Very Depressed

Yep, very.

So depressed that I can't clean the apartment. It's a wreck. And the worst of this depression is that I want to talk to people about it-like Jin, but it's like there is a plate of glass between me and him. When it comes time for me to actually say something I find I can't. Like those autistics who want to be hugged but find they can't bear it when it happens.

So depressed I couldn't sleep so I decided to blog, which depresses me too because of the total lack of shout out, all this effort which amounts to nothing more than shouting in the wind or writing my name in the sand before high tide.

I've had one piece in my mind I shall write it here-what does it matter anyway:

Piece of Sky ( this was a piece that I guess started when I was in college- it was just a little piece of writing that would come into my mind every now and again-recently a second half was added-who knows if they really go to together or not)

About a week before I left for college, my true love, or my true love until I met you, left me. I was a mess. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I went to college. I would sit in my window at night and think about all he and I had shared together, all that was lost. If I pressed my head against the glass I could see this two foot square of sky. No stars, it was too bright, but I could see sky. When I looked up, I would think that at we still shared that. We might not have anything else. He might never speak to me again, which he hasn't. He might never think of me, which he probably doesn't, but we still share the same sky. And to gave me comfort to know that. To know that we still had something in common, even if that was the same thing that I have in common with billions of people. At least he was out there.

And then there was you. And when I thought about all we had shared, but that you were still in the same time zone, the same state, the same city, hell the same part of town as me, when I thought of all the things we still had in common...I felt like...to puke blood. I wanted to burn down every restaurant we had dinner together, I wanted to stab every person we had met together, I wanted to ban every movie we ever talked about seeing. I wanted nuke your home fucking town, even though you haven't lived there for five years. In short, I wanted to wipe every molecule, every memory, every vague reference to you off the face of the earth. And you want me to do you a favor? Let me share this with you, I already am doing you a favor. I am tolerating the abstract concept of your existence. So unless you would like to kill the free kittens they have next door, I suggest you leave, because you've gotten from me everything that you're going to get in this lifetime.