Lake Placid
Starring Oliver Platt, Bridget Fonda (Single White Female), Bill Pullman (serpent and the rainbow) and Betty White (Golden Girls), this film features the oh so original premise about giant freakin' crocodiles in Maine.

Speaking of water based horror films with ridiculous premises: A widow grief stricken over the death of her son in a freak shark attack decides to overcome her grief by visiting her other son, a marine biologist, living in the Bahamas.

Blogger status: I'm guess a lot of you will guess this one, it's pretty obvious. However, for reasonI will explain in the next post, this one has an imporant place in my heart and fits with the whole shower thing.

Speaking of the shower, I just took one with a spider. Seriously. I used the downstairs bathroom and when I turned on the water I didn't check the shower, which my mother never uses. So I go to step in and notice the tiny spider against the wall. I tried to get him with a tissue, but he managed to evade me. Finally I had to admire his/her will to triumph so I just let it be and I showered and he/she attempted to rebuild its web. I just didn't have the heart to kill it. I know, you're on the edge of your seat.

They Live
Ah yes it was time for another Rowdy Roddy Piper film. I'm not sure there actually was a plot to this film except there was a whole lot of sunglass wearing making it look like the world's longest Corey Hart video. I thought this one was a gimme so held off until I thought many of you would be asleep. Still, many of you recognized it! Excellent work.

More fun with mutants: Sheriff: I... I... I never heard of a crocodile crossing an ocean.
Doctor:Well, they conceal information like that in books.

From the same film "If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it!"

Blogger status: 15 hours of consciousness, 14 hours of bloggin', 5 drinks, I'm freakin' exhausted. It's ice shower time for me. The music and red bull aren't much help right about now. What I love about Bakerina is she is freakin' out about having "quality" posts. My posts degenerated to five sentences hours ago, and she's writing the Magic Mountain of food blogging. If I wasn't so tired, I'd be ashamed. Ice shower time.

Yep that was Jamie Farr as Randy right before he got shot. Guess he got to first base with at least one chick. Well, let's move on from serial killers. We need a little variety. Getting back to our roots some cheesy horror film action.

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum.

Psycho IV: The New Beginning
The Psycho series was a fave of my father and myself so this is not the last time this series will appear here. This film though was phenomenally stupid. What psychiatrist would say "hey my husband is a serial killer with a history of killing women for no reason and now he says there is just one thing he doesn't want me to do. I think I'll do it anyway." Smack. Ask me, the dumb bitch deserved to die. Obviously didn't graduate at the top of her class. It's like my favorite thing to tell my kids when we talk about medicine "You want to know what they call the person who scored the lowest passing test score on the medical boards? Doctor."

Psycho IV starred Henry Thomas, which some of us new better as the "hero" from ET and Cloak and Dagger.

More fun with serial killers: "I never thought I'd be so happy to be a virgin."

Blogger status report: Sitting out on the porch with my mother, she said "So you must be in the home stretch by now." I said, "Yes, if consider eleven hours a home stretch." We both laughed and we discussed Duke Nukem and why I am so happy I am not with him anymore. But lord I am getting tired. Cold shower time soon.

Have you ever noticed that half an hour is just enough time to do nothing useful? I thought it was a good space of time until recently. I thought I would do all sorts of things in the interim between posts. Nope-totally fucking lost weekend-when the hell am I going to grade papers? can someone get me some elves with a copy of the elements of style?

Red Dragon
Ralph Fiennes running around naked with a huge tattoo, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT! I don't know why, but I'm alwasy attracted to villians, which might explain some of my less inspired dating choices. Let me tell you, I can never watch a murder mystery because I can tell the murderer by who I would go to bed with-never fails.

Continuing our serial killer theme. Premise: A rehabilitated serial killer, married to his psychiatrist, is convinced that his lunacy is genetic. He informs his wife she must never get pregnant; she gets pregnant anyway. Killer then calls in a talk show to tell a radio doctor of his intentions to kill his wife in order to prevent his hereditary taint being passed onto another generation.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes
Vincent Price, deadly sins, and a mute, but sexy assistant-how can you go wrong with that? One of my father's favorites, strange considering he was a doctor that he liked a film with such anti doctor sentiment.

Killer: Would you like to know what I am?
Victim: More than anything. I was afraid to ask.

I thought I would continue to serial killer trend for a bit. This film features a totally fuckable killer. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Blogger status: Passed the 12 hour mark without comment. I am worried that I am running out of films, although I'll start posting any old film quote should that happen, but seriously I'm such a perfectionist and thanks to IMDB I'll make it. I'm drinking my first energy drink and listening to Rev. Horton Heat The Baddest of the Bad and Martini Time. The caterer asked for my email because he was fascinated by my American Werewolf quotation which proves I can pick up a man anywhere, anytime, under any circumstances.

Ah yes, David Fincher back again with perhaps one of the most disturbing films I've ever seen. Lust was the one that kept me up at night, and of course a superb performance by Kevin Spacey who does creepy like no one else. I think my favorite line of his is "Oh, he didn't know." My students are disturbed by the fact that I can do both sides of the car dialogue. But really those last the minutes are beautifully written even if Brad Pitt does some of the worst acting I've ever seen.

Tag Line: Love Means Never Having to Say You're Ugly

Premise: In this film a musician and biblical sholar kills off people involved in the death of his wife with the plagues from Exodus.

An American Werewolf in London
According to VH-1, Michael Jackson saw this film and hired the director for the "Thriller" video. This film starring Griffin Dunne, king of the yuppie doing a nervous breakdown performance, as the best friend who gets eaten features perhaps the best performance by a nearly skeletal side kick.

Killer: It's more comfortable for you to label me as insane.
Cop: It's VERY comfortable for me to label you as insane.

Gremlins 2: The Next Batch
You have to like a horror film spoof which manages homages to Marathon Man, Batman, The Wizard of Oz, and the Muppet Movie. Of course, the line in question comes from the "Brain Gremlin" who was voiced by Tony Randall. The film, probably the best work Zack Zalligan ever got, illustrates another theory a friend of mine came up with in grad school. Given enough time every horror film sequel will either go to space or NYC, sometimes both.

"Have you ever tried talking to a corpse? It's boring."

Dolores Claiborne
Apologies on the delay-technical difficulties. Since it is a Stephen King script I think it counts.

"What we want is what you have: civilization. Was that civilized? No clearly not, fun but in no way civilized."

The Night of the Creeps
This film features an academy award nominee for best supporting actor from Mr Saturday Night, David Paymer, in a walk on role. This features one of the ugliest leading men in all horror film history, a whole bunch of aliens that look like Baldrick's leech from his charlie chaplin impersonation, and, of course, the requisite sorority girls in underwear running around and screaming. My father and I loved this film for all of its truly bad qualities. When it comes to the good bad horror film, Night of the Creeps is hard to beat.
Although some might not technically consider it a horror film:"Now, you listen to me, Mr. Grand High Poobah of Upper Buttcrack, I'm just about half-past give a shit with your fun and games. "
"Sometimes you have to be a high-riding bitch to survive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto."
Blogger status: Have now switched to sangria by order of the chef who was offended the guests preferred my margarita recipe. My third drink, typing is very fun, although not tired at all, guests leaving as I hide in the computer room. Thankfully, the caterers, who love me, are leaving me a large plate of my favorite treats. They took very good care of me, even coming in here to give me first dibs on the trays.

Shaun of the Dead
I am personally disappointed that none of you even tried to guess on this one as I thought of it as a gimme. This British horror film/comedy is, as they say over the pond, brilliant. One of the few films that manages to be both terrifying and funny. It captures what the average person would probably do in the event of a zombie uprising. I think my favorite part is the master plan is to get to the local. God knows should any kind of major catastrophe occur I would go to the nearest place I could lock myself in and drink myself silly.

Continuing with our dating theme: "The good news is your prom dates are here. The bad news is they're dead."

The Hills Have Eyes
That one was for Bakerina, I thought considering the party a couple of cannibal films would be appropriate. Unfortunately I am on my second margarita and rapidly losing the ability to type. Especially since my mother neglected to mention that mother of Duke Nukem would be attending this party. Just who I don't need to see two weeks after the Wee Russian Asshat dumps me. I asked my mother "Why didn't warn me?" and she said "Oh it really didn't occur to me." That's my mother, only comes to this planet to get her mail.

This one goes out to my ex Duke Nukem:
Boy: I don't think I have it in me to shoot my mother, my roommate, and my girlfriend in the same day.
Girl: Who says I took you back?
Boy: You don't want to die single, do you?

From Dusk Till Dawn
Another film with George Clooney, it features a star packed cast which I won't mention, but it does feature one of the best pornographic monologues from Cheech Marin ever penned.

Do you always try to stop trespassers by hanging yourself?
This film, by a very popular horror film director, gets filed under my "You call that an ending? cetgory. Much like Cronenberg's Rabid the film seems to just end without ending those nagging questions like "uh will anyone survive?" which generally I like answered before the credits roll.
blogger status: Half a margarita to the wind, forgive me if the quality starts to flag. Guests are starting to arrive, and I am already annoyed by having to explain over and over again why I keep looking at my cellphone.

Love at First Bite
My favorite line to say from this film is "You have 24 hours to get your aristocractic shit together and vacate the premises", I thought that too obscure. The other fun one is "Without me this place will be about as much fun as Bucharest on a Monday night." It took me awhile to understand all the jokes in this film, the blackout, the tannest man in hollywood as a vampire, but still a classic film starring Richard Benjamen as Rosenberg/Van Helsing who would unfortunately later direct Milk Money with Ed Harris and Melanie Griffith. Now THAT'S scary.

My father and I would often quote one scene from this film to each other. Rosenberg and and th eCount attempt to hypnotize each other across a table at a restaurant. Rosenberg says "Sleepier and sleepier, Count" and the Count counters with "Drowsier and drowsier, Rosenberg." The sparring continues until a waiter walks up to the table to take an order and promptly passes out.

Woman:Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spud". Welcome to slavery.
Man: No, thanks. I've already had a wife.
Blogger status:party about to begin. Posts will be sparse as I attempt to scarf food, drink margaritas and keep my wits about me.

I think my mother is the only person int he world to get a two hour cocktail party in her backyard catered. Not that I'm complaining.

Fright Night
Starring the mouse-y cute Roddy McDowell and Chris Sarandon ( who isn't nearly attractive enough to be a vampire), this horror film classic was very popular in my home.

"Renfield, how many times do I have to tell you? Body temperature!"
From the same film: Doctor (taking out a star of david) "What do you say to this, Count?"
Count: I say "Leave Cindy alone and get yourself a nice Jewish girl."

Staying with the vampire trend, this spoof was my first favorite film.

Aliens 3
Directed by David Fincher, later of Se7en, I watched this film with my father in the theater. He sat next to me and every time something scary would happen he would cover my eyes or put the large tube of popcorn in front of my eyes. Although not a very scary film to watch despite nice performances from Lance Henrikson, Charles Dutton, and Charles Dance, it is a very scary listen to listen to. All those slurping noises, yick!

My father's favorite line, inexplicably, was "Look I'm really sorry you've got this thing inside you."

No vampire's going to want him anyway. Probably give him blood poisoning.
Blogger status: chatting online with my monkey fretting about if I will have enough films to make it From Dusk Till Dawn. Get it?

Seed of Chucky
Any film which has Jon Waters in a cameo as a sleazy photographer taking pictures of demented dolls and saying "god bless the little people" is going to get my vote as one of the best horror films of all time. And of course the ever sexy voice of Brad Dourif and some very snarky remarks about Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich keep me endlessly entertained.

(In response to a character's nickname being 85)
Woman: What's this "eighty-five" thing?
Man: A couple of us sneaked a look at his personnel file the day he arrived. It's his IQ.

Blogger status: The caterer, who is annoyingly loud and talks to himself, is in the kitchen next to me. I have put Lee Press On back on although I am thinking of going into the living room to watch Psycho 3. I am now in full make up. I will take pictures of the schebang for all of you, but I won't post them till after because this computer gets hinky when I download, and I don't want to screw up the delicate balance right in the middle of the blogathon.

Return of the Killer Tomatoes
Not quite as funny as the originally, the sequel spoof starred George Clooney as the comedic side kick and John Astin as the demented professor Gangrene. The professor's assistant Igor is a blonde blue eyed henchman who really wants to be news anchorman. The most classic piece of schtick is when the director discovers in order to have enough money they have to place products in the films. Thus when the professor turns around his white lab coat sports the Pepsi logo.

"if this is what it takes to be human, I'd rather be a supernaturally possessed doll"

The trick here, of course, is to catch which of the many sequels this quotation came from.
Blogger Status: Listening to Lee Press On and the Nails, about to commence make up application. In the meantime, why not visit this site, a puzzling site that could use some comments, I would but I strangely suck at puzzles, or perhaps posting boobies for breast cancer is more your style. Lord knows I support hooterliciousness in all its permutations.

Hell Comes to Frogtown
Ah yes a cinema masterpiece starring none other than Rowdy Roddy Piper as the hero in question.

"My girlfriend is a vegetable!"

From the same film "But she does this thing with two lawn chairs and a milk carton..."

This horror spoof actually stars the original Gomez Adams, John Astin, and the undiscovered George Clooney. Remember players IMDB is your new bestfriend.
Blogger status report: Apparently things in upstate are very different. The caterer is due to arrive in the next hour and the "margarita party" is only from 5-7. I've just gotten into my "mexican" ensemble and will be putting on my make up shortly (which accounts for the brevity of the post). In the meantime, go visit Bakerina who is having a hard time of it at the moment.

Special points to the HP for guessing this one, although how many films are there about giant pigs? Spiders, lots, bats, sure, snakes, bags full, but pigs? They don't exactly seem to project that "Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid." aura.

Keeping with our animal theme I give you the next line and a premise.

Hey, you try making love in a hostile, mutant environment, see how you like it.
Personally that's the ONLY way I like to make love, but I digress, enough about me. The premise of this film, such as it is, involves the only fertile man left in the world pitted up against mutated sexually deviant giant frogs.

Special Note: Please forgive the spelling in my rush to get posts up there are a lot more spelling errors. The truth is, honestly, I am mildy dyslexic, which explains why I can't spell under pressure, so bear with me.

Critters 4: They're Invading Your Space
Featuring the man who started it all Terence Mann, not the author of a Death in Venice and other light classics but the grandmomma of all mullet wearing actors, Critters Four also stars Academy Award Nominee Angela Basset and of course long time fave Brad Dourif.

Have you ever noticed that Brad Dourif always seems to be decapitated in every film-from Graveyard Shift to the some film where he plays a priest and gets his head cut off by an elevator shaft-his head seems intended for violence. I've always thought he did that ridiculous Wayans brother because he called his agent and said "Does my head cut off?" "No, but Brad, you don't understand..." "I don't care, if I don't die I'll do it. ""But" "No buts about this, sign the freakin' contract."

Premise: A giant pig terrorizes a small town until it is lured into a dog food plant and chopped into pieces.

Please say hello and peak in on my site monitor Pico and thank her for joining us.

Pitch Black
Starring Vin Diesil (however the hell you spell his name) with very cool contact lenses, you have to admire a horror film that has the balls to kill a major character in the last two minutes. Truly admirable. Never saw the sequel, so no bitching about it to me.

My favorite part of this film comes at the end when Riddick is remaining in the blindspot by re-enacting the famous improve mirror game that all actors learn. As if that wasn't entertaining enough, the cut to the crane shot of it is absolutely priceless. My father would have thoroughly approved.

Man 1: Are you an alien?
Man 2: No, do I look like an alien?

This film stars an academy award nominee for best actress. One of my theories is that every famous person has done one really crappy horror film, from Demi Moore ( who appeared in a Full Moon production) to Humphrey Bogart's first film (The Return of Dr. X). This film boasts a strangely impressive cast.

The Brain
An alien brain is being fed brainwaves through tv waves. As the brain feeds, it gets bigger and is able to control more people. The only person resistant is a young male genius who is being studied by the same institute that is "feeding" the brain by broadcasting its signal through educational television. My father and I loved this film especially when the brain grows to the size of a baby rhincerous and suddenly grows a face! And not just any face, but the face of a slimy doberman. Classic filmmaking.

My father was always bitter about this one. We managed to tape all of the film but the end of it, which somehow got cut off, and he decided it was my charge in life to find it. I've never been able to get a hold of the film, and so he died without seeing the end of it. Up to the last time I saw him he always asked me "So did you ever find the Brain?" Still haven't found it on tape which is curious considering the quality of the premise.

"Did not know who he was fuckin' with."
Blogger status: Dispirited by the lack of comments, I'm putting up another "gimme" quotation. Currently watching "The Curse of Frankenstein" with Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee.

Directed by Dario Argento and starring Jennifer Connelly as the young heroine, this film failed to impress me like his other work Suspiria and Opera although it does feature a stunning revenge killing involving a chimpanzee and a razor.. The soundtrack features Iron Maiden, and Donald Pleasance plays the whellchair bound etymologist who helps Connelly discover her gift.

Scene: An orderly under the control of an alien brain decapitates a cop with an axe getting not a drop of blood on his white uniform and then hails a cab with the bloody axe.

From the same film:The young teenage couple who manage to ellude the control of the alien brain and lock themselves in the school. As the townspeople attempt to break in, the virginal girl decides that it is this moment she wishes to lose her virginity. The boy, rather than focus on a plan to survive, submits to her desire.

Exorcist Three
Starring Brad Dourif, who will be another regular here on these pages, as the Gemini Killer, this film was written and directed by William Blatty who wrote the original Exorcist screenplay and novel. Blatty was famous for writing the screenplay "A Shot in the Dark" considered to be one of the best pink panther films ever. (Thank you to Joe Bob Briggs for the extra info-I knew all thos enights of monstervision would comes in handy.)

It seems that blogger is being a bitch about how long it takes to post some of my posts, but be assured that I am posting EVERY HALF HOUR although it may take a bit to get up there.

Premise: The young daughter of a famous film director is sent to a private school in Europe where with the help of a wheelchair bound etymologist she discovered she has the power to control insects. She uses her new found power to discover the serial killer who is murdering her classmates.

Special bonus points if you can name the actress who played the lead or the director.

Army of Darkness
Yes, there is very little in the world better than Bruce Campbell, except Bruce Campbell in a Raimi film. Bruce will be appearing several times today because I like him and he always gets the good lines. Incidentally, I am pining for a pillow with those lines stitched into it because I think it would go with the rest of my decor.

"Well, there I was so awfully dead in that electric chair. I didn't like it. Would you? It's upsetting. There was still so much killing to do, and there I was, in the void, without a body."

From the same film: "This I believe in... I believe in death. I believe in disease. I believe in injustice and inhumanity, torture and anger and hate... I believe in murder. I believe in pain. I believe in cruelty and infidelity. I believe in slime and stink and every crawling, putrid thing... every possible ugliness and corruption, you son of a bitch. I believe... in you. "

Extra bonus points for this trivia: This sequel was written and directed by the author of the original. What is the name of the author? And what other film ( outside of this series) is he famous for writing?

Night of the Comet
This spectacularly bad horror films opens when almost all of the inhabitants of the eart are reduced to fine red powder, and it degenerates from there. My favorite moment, with the car, is actually the very end of the film, which is a lot of awful horror film to watch before getting rewarded.

"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."
Status report: Currently watching Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee in the Curse of Frankenstein. Also on deck Psycho III and Copycat. Later I suspect I will break out the MST3K.

Pet Semetary Two
Sequels will, of course, play a big part of today. The actors in questions were Anthony Edwards ( you may remember him from the original Revenge of the Nerds, but more likely from the show ER) and Edward Furlong, who after getting that gig in T2 was to vanish into the hoary netherworld never to be heard from again. And I know we all say prayer of thanks for that one. I have to say this film started out with a possum shivering on top of a post for no freakin' reason. For that alone I have to love it.

Older Sister: You really shouldn't cross on red light.
Younger Sister ( standing in the middle of the road): There's no one here. Everyone in the world is dead!
(Car suddenly comes zooming over the hill narrowing missing younger sister. Car pulls a u-turn and stops by younger sister.)
Attractive man in car: Oh I'm sorry about that, but you really shouldn't have crossed on a red light.

Also from the same film: You were born with an asshole, Doris, you don't need Chuck.

Girlfriend From Hell
Yes, we've all had one. This horror film starred Dana Ashbrook later to be of Twin Peaks fame. He fueled many a teenage girl fantasy back in the day, and I'll be honest with you I miss that James Dean greasy teenage boy gone bad energy he had.

"No brain, no pain...think about it."
This one is sort of a gimme, but I am listening to the Ramones right now, and this is in honor of Joey ( hint, hint). Extra points to those of you who can name the actors who played the vetrinarian and the teenage hero.
Special Note: My time stamp seems to be off. I posted my last post at 8:55, but it's time stamped 8:45. I didn't want to change the stamp and have people think I'm falsifying my posts so just be aware.

"Oh I've met God. He's shorter in person."
This staple of the 2 am Sci-fi Channel screen gems involves demonic possession, cheesy special effects, and the best that 80's hair has to offer. The premise gets convoluted but begins with God sending a "chaser" to capture a renegade demon who is possessing the living, which takes a bit of a Romeo and Juliet turn when the "chaser" falls for the demon in question.

Blogger Status: Showered and listening to the Ramones "I Wanna be Sedated." "24 hours to go......"

Oh Dad: 48 Horror Movies and Memories
And now for me to explain the concept behind blogathon theme. My father was a big fan of horror films. All of them. Good. Bad. Ugly. Low budget. Poorly acted. Ridiculously premised. He loved them all. It was perhaps one of the few things we bonded over. We would get a whole bunch of crap from the 24 hour store (cream soda, bright orange "cheese" popcorn, pretzel sticks, strawberry soda, chocolate covered donuts, gummy worms) and stay up watching some of the worst dreck ever to grace the small screen. Occassionally we would treat ourselves to actually going out, getting bucket of popcorn drenched in bright yellow food coloring (forgive me my sense of humor isn't quite a awake yet), a jacuzzi sized coke, and seeing a movie on the big screen.

During those evenings, my father espoused the theory that every film, no matter how awful, had one line that made the whole movie worth watching. I have since refined his theory. It is not always a line:it can be a scene or premise. You see it and you think "That's why I just wasted two hours of my time." For my part, I was always fascinated by the fact that at some point, no matter how egregiously stupid the plot, someone thought "Oh yeah, people are going to LOVE this." This was the beginning of the theory that would become the central philsophy of my life: every really huge mistake you will ever make will seem like a good idea at the time. And now the time has come to finally use my wasted youth in the name of a good cause.

Vanna Show Them How Its Done

The way it will work is that I will post a line or describe a scene or premise. You, my precious readers, then have 30 minutes to guess what horror film or horror film spoof I am referring to. The next post will begin with the title of the film. I may include, at that point, memories of watching the film with my father. Not all the films were released when my father was alive because I have included films that I thought he would have loved. I may also include some pieces of trivia, just as an added extra bonus and to show off.

Extra Bonus Blogathon Feature

To keep myself entertained I may also include information like what music I am listening to, how many red bulls I have consumed, and any number of completely irrelevant facts. Listen I will do whatever the hell I have to do to stay awake, and if you want to stay awake with me and see what I resort to come 4 am, well, I'll just remind you that I have a digital camera and very little modesty. If this what I am saying when it's not that late imagine how much more fun it will get when I'm sleep deprived.
Current Status Report
In my pjs drinking my morning tea about to have breakfast and a shower while I decide what I am going to kick off the 'thon with. Currently listening to the Shrek soundtrack.
Special Thanks
To fellow bloggers who have donated including: Bakerina, Blogmonkey, Spanglemonkey, Blog D'Ellison, Beastmomma, Keith, Rabbitch, and Kimberly. (As I said previously some of you gave under your real name, which I didn't recognize, so if I accidentally left you out please let me know and I shall show my link love.) Also special thanks to the lovely people at blogathon for having this event especially Sheena, who I suspect has been staying up 24 hours a day for most of this week. Also check out my neighbors in the webring Twitterpated and Hippycritism.

Hang on people, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

And now to the showers!

Thank You Easter Bunny
Well, I'm up to nine sponsors, and I've raised more money than I thought I would, it is all thanks to you, my lovely and devoted readers. I would send you each thank you notes, but many of donated under your real names, and I only know your screen identities. I would sure love it if those of you who gave to send me an email so I could thank each and everyone of you personally. For those of you who have come here to lend your support of myself and other blogathoners, thanks so much! We appreciate all the support we can get: comments, emails, photos of genetically mutated ocelots (well you could cut down on those as actually we seem to be over this years quota), and IMs.

Someday I'm going to Marry that Monkey

Of course, none of this wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for a very special man in my life, my very own sockmonkey. I tell you readers, someday I'm going to marry that man or at the very least abduct him and treat him to the very best marshmallow fluff and cheap sex week of his monkified existence because this man...there are not words good enough for this man. He redesigns my template, dealing with the frustration that is IE for three hours, all on his own as a present, he fixes me up with the whole blogathon webring with my stats in the corner, he deals with my panicked emails without complaint, AND he donates money as if he hasn't already done enough. Not to mention all the moral support he shows me. This from a man who has never even met me in person; He has not even gotten a real life taste of the hooterliciousness that is the Bunni. I've had boyfriends who didn't treat me this well. Say it with me one time won't you WE LOVE BLOGMONKEY!!!!

So I have my list horror film quotes and premises, 8 cans of red bull, LOTS of English Breakfast tea, Marv the killer bunny, my music selections (lots of punk and upbeat 80's music), select Lush products (you crack the whip-body butter, whoosh-pulse point balm, fever-massage bar, pied de pepper-foot lotion), and a bag of favorite snack, fluffy stuff, all laid out on my computer desk. My timer is downloaded, my computer is set to the world clock, and I have my support team lined up. So all that's left is for me to get a good night sleep. Oh and by the way, while I'll be blogging, my mother will be hosting a margarita party. No joke. Everything in life is timing. And everything else is good chocolate, quality bath products, and fabulous friends.

Those who wish to prepare for this landmark event might want to go here and enjoy the MST3K movie poster gallery!

Rattle and Hum
I have already posted about blogathon 2005 and my soon to be heroic 48 posts about horror films, in honor of my father and proceeds going to the American Heart Association. Yet strangely I haven't even raised 200 dollars. AHEM. If even a few of you sponsor five dollars, you will be making a huge difference to my self esteem as a charity fundraiser. Because really this isn't about helping out other people who, you know, suffer and all that, it's about me. All of it. All the time. I am the bellybutton of the universe and as such I demand that you sponsor me or I shall put in an order with the secretaries of certain underlords who report to certain hoary hellbeasts that you are to get a karmic bitchslap on an epic level for being apathetic twerps. The blogathon is August 6th so there is no time to delay.

"If you ever wish great pain on anyone, there is only one thing you really have to do: wait."
-Pere Lapin on Revenge
My father's attitude was very simple: Why bother to go to all of the that effort when you could do nothing and achieve the same result? As a physician who often worked in the ER ,he saw the variety of suffering that could befall people. What was the point of planning and conniving? Could you really do better than a drunk driving accident or even a careless moment with a lawnmower? And even if you could, it violates the law while karma is completely legal and free.

Up until about five years ago, I thought my father's theory was bullshit. I wasn't going to engage in revenge, I didn't have that kind of energy what with grad school and my disability, but I didn't believe the universe was that just either.

I met Vampire Hunter D when I was twenty one. The moment I saw him I desperately wanted him-gold eyes, high cheekbones, strawberry blonde hair, built like a greyhound. The kind of guy I could wrap my legs around and squeeze for days. I, of course, never expected to get him. I had just spent four years surrounded by gorgeous gay men. On the one hand, I got a lot ofmake up tips, but it didn't do a lot for my self esteem. So imagine my surprise when I ended up watching the sunrise with him as we sat in a doorway on eight st.

Vampire Hunter wasn't just beautiful. He was learning architecture and so he knew about a field that I had very little background it, but he would talk about inflatable bridges and urban nomad habitats with such intesity that I was fascinated. And, of course, there were summer days where all we would do is lie in his apartment on the futon on the floor naked, drinking kool-aide out of a coffee pot and listening to that awful rap remix of Roxanne drift in from the apartment upstairs in between making love. I could feel the motion of him for days afterwards, like getting off a ship and still feeling the ocean while on land. He insisted that I was the devil. Used to call me the best argument for sin that was ever made. I was proud to be that. To be irresistible to a man such as him was quite an accomplishment for me.

And then one day he vanished, like the shadow of smoke, gone. I tore myself apart running over our last conversation, our last meeting, like the Zapruder film in JFK. Searching for some cause, some indication. Finally I gave up, and ended up dating Duke Nukem and then the Artist Formerly Known as the Idiot.

Three years later, a bit before Christmas, Vampire Hunter called me. Gave me some bullshit story about finding my phone number and thinking it was a sign. I knew it was a lie, but I knew to get the truth I would have to go with it. We exchanged emails, met for drinks a few times, became friends in a way. Finally one night in the beginning of August 2001 (a month before the Artist was to abandon me), we went to Mars Bar and started drinking at seven. Around midnight he was sloshed enough I knew I could get an honest answer. "What really happened? What did I do?" The look on his face, such sadness, "It was never you. It was never anything you did. Oh I felt so guilty I couldn't tell you. I was dating a girl for a year before I met you. We broke up the week before I met you and she wanted to get back together in september. I went back to her. I thought it would be easier for you if I vanished because what was I going to tell you? There's nothing wrong but I'm leaving you anyway? So I ended up moving in with her. She tried to kill me and herself a couple of times. I suppose I should have known then, but I didn't leave. Last Thanksgiving I went home to see my parents and when I came back to our house, all her stuff was gone, half my stuff was gone, and she took my cat."

If I had worked and slaved and planned, I could have never come up with a better revenge than that. My abandonment visited upon him threefold. I marveled at the justice of the universe. It was hard not to be bitter that he preferred a psychotic to me, on the other hand his poor taste was more than effectively punished. And so although I threaten those who wrong me a great deal, I don't act on my threats because I know I don't have because even if I never think about the poor twit again I know he will suffer for what he has done. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. And as I said to Chainsaw that day he broke up with me, "I want you to know one thing. In that moment, when you lose everything and you see the hollow empty husk of your existence, somehow I will know, I will know what has happened to you and I will be laughing." Which is a pretty safe bet since I laugh all the time knowing that at the very least I never broke up with a wonderful and lovely person to date a psychotic who stole my cat.

Slouching Towards Morpheus
I am absolutely exhausted, but I thought those of you who enjoyed my rant about the Asshat with an Accent might enjoy this post or maybe this one, which proves as much as break ups suck they provide me with some quality material. Also this post, which is about the death of the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, has some good comments about break-ups, so I will cut and paste a paragraph and leave you to your own devices:
Some events although are clearly enhanced and romanticized like the death of Spike. Now poor James Marsters (who is NOT REALLY BRITISH- his first acting role was as Eyeore in Winnie the Pooh! You can't beat the research team we have here at Bunniblog-one Jew, a keyboard, and A LOT OF FREE TIME) is out of work. And its not like he will ever get cast again. but back to the show. Here Spike dies, thus making the way for Buffy to go back to Angel without having to make a choice and therefore without incuring guilt (how nice). In addition, this is the nicest break-up of all time. Instead of getting dumped, her beau chooses to save the world by sacrificing himself. Don't we all have a few ex-boyfriends we wish would do that? Oh it's not that he isn't calling because he doesn't love you anymore, or you just can't be together, or that he doesn't have opposable thumbs, he isn't calling because he died for you, he died saving you. ANd not just you, everyone, the whole freakin' world. Now that's a good break up people. That's the only kind I'm interested in. And this allows Buffy to keep the romantic dream intact. In order for "the romantic illusions" to stay intact one of the parties must die or the story must end "Happily Ever After" because romance does not survive reality.

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