Room Service!

Remember our friend John Yule? The one who said he wasn't coming back ever again? Well, he did. They just can't stay away.

I had an assignation with this other guy, I made it Wednesday night in the midst of my meltdown. Come Thursday morning it seemed like a bad idea, and by last night I pretty much decided to ditch him. So I put my away message on, I shut off my phone, and put my little bunni head down to sleep, because really how much can go wrong when you are asleep in bed.

Around five thirty my buzzer starts going off. And going off and going off. At first I thought it was just someone locked out. Finally it went on long enough that I schlep myself over to the buzzer and ask who it is.

"It's me" says John Yule.

I should have known.

So John comes in and I say "Hey wasn't the last time I saw supposed to be the last time I saw you." And he says, "Well yeah it was. This is the last time I swear."

I'll let you know when I'm convinced.

So he asks me if I've been sleeping, which I have. I mean, that's what some of us crazy kids do at five thirty in the morning. So he asks me how I've been and I tell him awful. He wants to know the whole story so I give him the short short version. ("Never sleep with a friend," he tells me, too late I might add "I have a whole bunch, and I would never touch them." I looked at him and said, "And because you have me, you don't have to.")

Digression Actually what is fun is getting a whole bunch of different perspectives on the same situation-for example John's take: "Ok this guy is just lying to himself and to her. I mean, I'm a dog, but I admit it. I'm up front about it." To which I responded "Yes, yes you are."-What I didn't add is that although he is up front with me about being a dog, I wonder how upfront he is to her. ( I can just see John doing his daily affirmation-looking in the mirror, breathing from his diaphragm saying,"I am the dog. I am the dog." Girlfriend walks by with raised eyebrow wondering "What the hell is that all about?") END DIGRESSION

I told him about the blog thing as well and how upset I was by that.

JY: Oh is the site you won't tell me about because you think I'll freak?

BB: Yes.

JY: What do you write about?

BB: Um, well, you know all of this stuff, dating, sex, teaching-it's totally self indulgent.

JY:Well that's good, but why would it scare me?

BB: Um, I dunno, I guess I'm paranoid about people I know in real life reading it, that it would radically change their opinion of me

JY: Oh. ( Bunni lets out a sigh of relief when it's clear the John has totally bought it.)

And then I added that all I wanted was someone to show up and rip my clothes off. True I would have liked him to show a little earlier, but show he did. I could have resisted, but what for? I wanted him and he was willing, so I used him. I could come up with a witty metaphor here but I'm too damn tired.

Oh and before he left John wanted to know if I was available saturday.

I love it when they book in advance.

Just Fucking Kill Me

"Game over, man, game over." Bill Paxton in Aliens-I know I used once before as my inspirational quote of the day, but it's just too appropriate for today's entry. Forgive me.

Welcome to the second worst week of my life in recorded history. No joke. And trust me, there are a lot of competitors for that slot. The best week of my life, no contest, the worst, we're talkin' some stiff competition. There was the week I spent in the hospital recovering from five hours of major surgery that failed to work. There was the week I was emergency hospitalized and not a single person came to visit ( my junior year of college-I was in a hospital not more than five blocks from the dorm where most of my friends lived). There was the week I was hit by a car and had my wallet stolen( actually that was all in one day). And then of course there were the events way back in thousand and one ( actualy I can seperate that into three different distinctly awful weeks-the worst actually occurring in October). Well, at least 2001 remains at the top of the list, but this week, this week is so bad ( and may I add, IT'S NOT OVER YET) has not only driven me to drink, but it's driven me to beg my friends to put a staple gun to my head.

So let's review shall we?

One of my closest friends of the last decade, well, we know the story, it's over, and of course, in a spectacularly dramatic way. Because if you must be crazy and destructive, at least do it with style. Rejection. tears, loss. We know, we don't have to talk about it anymore. So that's how we start off the week.

Monday Bishop was supposed to call, he didn't. ( I wasn't surprised, he and his "girlfriend" we supposed to exhange stuff the night-another "You might have a girlfriend if..."prompts-the exchange of stuff is another indication of a more serious attachment). Tuesday we we're supposed to hang, we didn't, as we have for the last week and half all we have managed to do is swap emails. Now he seems even crazier and there seems little hope of seeing him again. So romantic hopes BANG shot down.

Tuesday night I'm in such a bad mood that instead of doing work or sleeping, I go to F's and hang out with the gang. Unfortunately the gang is all a flutter about J's wedding on friday ( and the reception on saturday which promises drunken irish hijinx) and P's brother's pregnant wife ( as in she is about to give birth-we await every cellphone call with baited breathe). It was just like "Oh hey let's have a whole jambooree to celebrate what you can't have EVER. (on the other hand rest assured the marriage of J will probably not last, still they are getting married)

So last night, I'm exhausted, I'm disgusted, I'm rejected, I'm depressed, and I'm pissed off. I go online to check my email, as I promised my students I would do online office hours. ( OK and now the new teacher, let's call him the Young'un, who really annoys me, keeps walking back and forth besides my desk-it's interesting how during a realy bad day you're treshold for what qualified for justifiable homicide plummets) Big mistake.

Now I would like to take a moment here as I may have made a reader very nervous, don't worry I'm going to honor my promise NOT to reveal who you are NOR reproduce verbatim anything you have sent to me in confidence. I am going to discuss the events themselves however.

I check my email and there is an email sent to me by an anonymous individual claiming to have also dated the infamous Eric Kinsman. She found this blog through google and then through, what I can only describe as dedicated research, figured out who I am in real life including my real name. Needless to say this scares the bejesus out of me. (It does support my earlier claim, however, that if one of students were truly dedicated they could find this blog.) And part of the scare was with the mysterywoman97 and boomhower1971 drama, I was unsure if this was a hoax set up by a student, however it did seem to byzantine for even them. So I decided to believe the email ( although I am still assailed by doubts as to its veracity.) Whoever she is, she's very smart it's the first time I've seen whom used properly in an email ( definately not one of my students).

What also upset me is that I really never expected to hear from anyof E's other conquests. And now that it's happened, honestly I wish it hadn't. I really have no wish to know about the real life of Eric post Bunni. I have set up this whole mythology about A the time I had with him and B what has happened since, and I would rather it not be disturbed. Part of email contained reference that Eric has a special gift to make normal girls into "psychos" ( OK I resent being called a psycho- I was tremendously hurt and have sustained intense emotional trauma, but aside from this blog which maybe totally self indulgent and crazy-I have actually held it together extremely well as both Blogger Jin and the disgraced Bell Ami will testify.

When I was discussing this situation half hysterical and half terrified with MA BELL AMI ( yes I had to talk to him he was the only one available and I was desperate-don't worry I let him know this was emergency only) he said "Well at least you know that it wasn't you anymore. That's just the way he is." Right because it makes me happy to no end to know that on top of everything else I wasn't special. That I was just one more girl to "turn". ( Actually to tie in next week's reading with E-he went from the first stage of Socratic love-the admiration of a single beautiful body-to the second stage of Socratic love-the revelation and admiration of all beautiful bodies-next stage would be to see beauty in ACTS.)

Then there was the sudden worry of what he had been cheating the entire time. What if the entire relationship was a sham? But then I thought about and realized that all he went through those two years-well it couldn't all have been a lie-and furthermore I couldn't survive if it was. Freud would say that things have power only if they remain unclaimed ( repressed). But on this mark I tend to agree with Ibsen's the Wild Duck- there are certain illusions that are vital to our survival and to seek the truth in these is to seek death. I would prefer to make it to this weekend.

That some girl abadoned by the same guy is this haunted by him should make me feel better. At least I'm not alone. But it does add to my notion that he is completely happy, whereas I, suffer.

Finally and this strikes me as odd, after this girl finds the blog and goes through of this including reading a lot of the archives, which even I don't have the patience for, she asks me to take the Eric content down, not for his sake, but for the sake of her sanity and the harmony of the universe.


Actually over the time I've maintained this blog I have considered taking the Eric content out partially because it gives him to much credit. It could fill his ego to know how much he hurt me, how much he still hurts me. The other argument is that it keeps me tied to the past.

But the problem is that clearly I am still tied to the past, and since part of the Bunniblog is about working through this ( there actually is supposed to be a therapeutic use to Bunniblog somewhere) I refuse to take content down until it is organic to take it down. And as for the harmony of the universe, well, the harmony of the universe has a lot more serious problems than myself.I merely shake my fist ineffectually at fate-better than some who actually wreak havoc where ever they tred.

But I was so shaken by this and Jin was nowhere to be found and Bishop hadn't called and the only available consultant was Ma Belle Ami. This makes for a conversation filled with spite and hatred. He in trying to make me feel better, in some ways dug the ditch deeper. Mainly his whole- he was just a shamless asshole argument fails miserable because then I become just another girl in a string. If it's something wrong with me at least A I'm special and B I can DO something about it.

His other claim was that I'm really too great in his estimation not to find someone. Well, I've done a spectacular job so far. Everyone else I know ( 20 year olds included) is either in a serious relationship or married. I can't even get a date for the weddign reception. Last night I just wanted sex, I just wanted someone to come over ( yell room service when I open on the door) and throw me on the bed. Just to feel desirable to SOMEONE human on the planet. I couldn't even pull that off. Jesus I couldn't even seduce Volta for the love of all things holy.

But there is one good thing, no Ma Belle Ami is at least pissy in his dealings with me, which means he isn't an apostle of unconditional love. He claims that this because he now understand what it takes to deal with me, specificity and being direct. Well you couldn't tell that with the blogs unceasing war for honesty?

And my other favorite part of the conversation was his claim that until now he never realized how unhappy I was. Jesus man did you miss a meeting? He, like Jin, is now on the bandwagon to "fix" me. You want to fix me and win the argument-get a decent man that I want to commit to me. Prove to me it's possible. And don't start with the "Oh you've already decided" If I already decided I wouldn't go out on dates now would I? I wouldn't even live to NY. After all the unhappiness this life has brought me, if I really gave up I would pretend to be Emily Dickenson and retire to the country. So there, you want to prove me wrong, you really want to fix me ( instead of using sarcasm during one of the worst evening in memory) go, find, DO.

Because honestly I would love to be proven wrong on this mark. Nothing would make me happier than to have a normal human being, or maybe a only half way brain damaged ocelot, fall for me. Really and truly. I would love for it to happen. It just has never happened. So when you want to know where I get these feelings of low self esteem and rejectionthe answer is outstandingly simple: experience.

So here I am thursday, exhausted, upset, terrified, depressed, frazzled, and on the edge of even more horror and rejection as I face a dateless weekend.

Just fucking kill me now, the suspense is just torture.

Like An Easy Blow Job...Not that Blow Jobs have Difficulties

Ok shout out isn't working, but here is blogger Jin's response to the whole ma belle ami sitch. It's is so classic I have reproduced here:

Damn that is one repentent dear john letter that tries to keep the connection with you while also trying to hide the incredible mindfuck that it is. (And yes mindfuck should be a word) I see why you are mad and sad at the same time. Its not just that he called your relationship just sex but its the promise of a phantom friendship/relationship at the end. I am not going to jsut rag on him to you simply because as a friend i am suppose to but i will say this - your friend is a pussy.
This is sad to watch because when someone has all the power in a relationship, it is sickening to see how the weaker one squirms. They pitifully squirm whenever they are scolded for demanding fairness in the relationship and so on, they squirm and retreat just like your friend is retreating now. I was wrong about your friend, he is good for you , but good for you only if he is not weak. Yeah yeah love makes poeple weak but in this cause its that phantom Jedi love, the one that someone comes over and just says "you are in love, this is what love is" and you believe them cause, well cause you have not choice cause Jedi hand is in your face.
But i was also wrong in that he would leave his girlfriend if better came along. I though he would, i really did, i thought that he would realise the truth that he was not in love but attached, and that if he say better he would go for it like a crackwhore to an easy blowjob........... as if blowjobs have difficulties. You see? if he say that he could be happier than he is now, then he would go for it, anyone would go for it, if you took the world and put them in that situation, more people would leave, right? Wrong i guess. I underestimated the desire of one to fool themselves and i guess i had too much faith in your friend to do the best thing. a pox on him

I think the blow job line is the most precious piece of metaphor I've seen all week. I love it. It's better than cats. I'll read it again and again.

Hint, hint

Ok do none of you believe in shout out anymore? I'm all vulnerable here and upset and I could use some emotional support ie that someone out there feels me on this and nothing. FOR WEEKS nothing. This would be a golden opportunity for some of you who have gotten on my bad side to blow some sunshine up my skirt.

The Final Solution

While I'm here-I have come up with a possible solution to the Ma Belle Ami sitch ( by the way the reason I did post everything was that he HAS told his girlfriend-which pissed me off a great degree as well-but still the ostensible reason for secrecy is over-also clearly the relationship is over since he has been online all day and not yip from him-he probably thinks well let me leave her alone it will make her feel better-what makes me feel better is the illusion I'm rejecting him-I digress) and here is the possible solution-the only way I can not feel hurt by this whole thing is if I get a fabulous boyfriend then everyone is involved and happy ( what are the odds) so I say we charge Ma Belle Ami with a holy crusade. He wants things back the way they were-he wants our friendship back- GO AND FIND ME A DECENT MAN-pull that off and I'll wash your god damned car. I have failed, Jin has failed, but if you really believe, if you really want me, go, do, NOW. I think that's a pretty fair solution. Oh and by the way, no girl is above the joy of seeing a man suffer at her expense, you could always gratuitiously throw yourself on my mercy just to give me the pleasure of saying no. That would ease the pain of rejection too.

because I am a writer ( and unfortunately this whole drma ruins a story I was working on) I have this imagined conversation in my head-to be sure parts of it happened and parts of it are what I would love to say:

B: Congratulations, you've become just another man I'm not good enough for.

MBA: I don't want to be that.

B: Well I want to be blonde and average height. We don't get to pick who we are.

MBA: Was it the sex? Would things be different if we hadn't slept together?

B:You know it doesn't matter because we did and we have to live in this dimension not some parallel universe which this might not have happened.

MBA: There is a difference between sex and love.

B: Do you think I'm stupid? Of course there is a difference and I know it well. If you just used me for my body, you think I would feel this way? Listen I can tell the difference between sex and love, but I can't tell the difference between what you feel and love. You like talking to me and spending time with me and you find me sexually attractive and beautiful as well. You see where I stand that's love, romantic love. Now maybe I'm missing out on a whole level of friendship. Maybe I don't have the right social skills. But to me it looks the same. And it has nothing to do with the sex. If you had never touched me it would be the same, it wasn't that it was how you looked at me, it was how you took care of me, and you didn't have to sleep with me for that, jackass.

MBA: I had no idea.

B: Because you didn't want to, if you had thought about it you would.

MBA: Is there any way...

B: No, because I'm always going to feel rejected. I stopped being your friend when you kissed me. It ended there. The only way this friendship could have survived is if I didn't want you.

MBA: Then I wish to G-d you found me ugly, fun to talk to, but revolting.

B: Because that's what every girl dreams of hearing.

MBA: I want you to be happy.

B: So do I, but I don't wish you to be ugly, I have a slightly different wish thanks.

MBA: I wish this had never happened.

B: I knew I could drive you to regret. It's a gift I admit, but I knew if I was really focused I could.

MBA: I just want things back...

B: Let me tell you something I learned with Eric, you can never have things back. There is no point. Things changed. If you wanted things to remain the same, you shouldn't have agreed to meet me. You wanted things to change, you just didn't look at the consequences.

MBA: And you did?

B: You think I didn't see this coming? You think I wasn't waiting for this to happen?

MBA: And you never said anything?

B: What would have been the point? Were you going to prove me wrong? Were you going to tell me different and then be proved a liar?

MBA: So that's it then?

B: Look everything comes with a price and her's is me. You can't have us both. You want her, fine, let her be your emotional support. You don't get to have everything and leave me with nothing.

MBA: I give you nothing.

B: The emotional support you give isn't worth the weigh of the rejection I would feel. And I would always feel rejected.

I'm going to end this here because I'm exhausted-the real belle ami can verify the parts of this that are real, of course he won't shout out here for fear of hurting me-but truth be told his already hurt me a great deal-why not go ahead and add a little pinch after you've slahsed someone through the ribs? Would it be that much more in the grand scheme of things?-especially to reveal himself publicly it would be interesting and certainly more than any other man has done here yet.

A little support from the rest of you WOULD BE NICE THOUGH, HINT HINT.

Say Good-bye to All of This

Well there's been a lot of veiled references here to things that I can't talk about, things that I was silent about on the behalf of another individual, Ma Belle Ami or rather Ma Ex-Belle Ami ( for french speakers that is pretty friend). I was being silent here because he asked me to, because he didn't want his girlfriend to find out what really happened here.

And because I am who I am I did it. I was silent. I wanted to write about here, but I didn't. And there was a part of me that came to like that, that it was just between us. Something that was apart from her.

And then, and then, and then.

I suppose I should start from the beginning and then when I get to the end stop ( the Mad Hatters advise to Alice on how to tell her story). Let me just give you the short short version. I met Ami when I went back to visit my old high school, I was 19 and he was 15. He liked me, and it was clear that he liked me. And I liked the attention, but I was very conservative and so the flirtation between us also disturbed me a great deal.

What exactly happens next eludes my memory, but basically we started to email each other when I was 22. I was getting out of college, I was totally lost, I didn't have a job, or a direction, I was living in my mother's house in upstate new york. We used to im all the time and talk on the phone. When my favorite teacher killed himself, Ami was the first person I called. There was flirtation, but honestly my biggest fear was that what had happened with many of my other male friends would happen here, he would fall for me and I wouldn't want him in the least. So there was this drifting that became complete silence. Originally I thought I initiated it, I got a boyfriend and went to grad school, but Ami thinks he started it when he got his girlfriend.

Well he was much luckier than I was. I left grad school and my boyfriend two years later ( at least I got a degree from grad school) and I took up with Eric. Another fabulously huge mistake.

So why not make one more?

Around last september, Ami started imming me again. It's not coincidence that it was about this time his girlfriend went to grad school far away. Now see he could get angry with me for posting all of this, but you know what screw him. The nice thing here is I don't have to worry about that anymore. Somebody give me a lighter, I'm going to burn this bridge.

I was lonely and needed friendship and so we immed frequently. I flirted with him, but I wasn't as fearful as before because I figured if I didn't really want him he had his girlfriend so the friendship would be secure.
What I didn't see coming, not until things were already set in motion, is that I would want him. See that's where it all went wrong.

When I went on the cruise I saw him for the first time in almost a decade. I got off the boat being depressed feeling rejected, the whole Damocles faux engagement and Volta just had me so down. And I violated my own golden rule, never make serious decisions when you are depressed.

We had booked a hotel room together for three days ( mistake #2) and we had joked about fooling around, but at that point really neither of knew what was going to happen. Well actually I did. The last day I was aboard the ship I told my friends "Well I'm just glad I'm going to meet this old friend of mine. I'll just use him for his body so the vacation won't be an entire waste." The morning we were supposed to meet I called him and told him I was going to be so happy to see him I was going to lick his face like a dog.

I should say at this point that what I had been told was that the relationship he was in was open ie as long as it didn't threaten his connection with his girlfriend it was ok to go outside of it. So as far as I knew, I was ok. And I didn't think I would want him enough to threaten that connection, assuming I did want him at all.

We met at the hotel, an hour later we were in bed. Apparently half way into undressing I said to him "Listen, if we aren't going to have sex, just tell me now." He didn't say anything.

And we spent the next three days locked in a hotel room together. We were that obnoxious couple that never come out of the room. I mean short of obligatory raids for food ( and seeing that awful horror movie) never left. I will say this, he did redeem my faith in the erotic powers of semetic men ( although I should also say like myself he isn't "fullblooded"-he is also like me still by judiac law a jew). So all you other Jew boys out there make sure you write him a nice thank you note for that.

It was honestly, the happiest three days I've had since Eric left.

And then, and then, and then.

But see here's the problem. I got romantically attached. And once that happened, it was over, the friendship is gone. Because there were only a finite number of outcomes, and none of them were going to be good for me.

Now was it the sex? No, not at all. If he hadn't have touched it still would have ended the friendship. It was the way he looked at me, and the way he took care of me, it was the way he made me feel, and that didn't have anything to do with the sex.


Trust me I can seperate sex from love, but what this was, well I can't seperate what this was out from love, romantic love that is. So basically there was only one option: he would eventually become mongamously committed to the girlfriend, and I would feel rejected.
And I knew it. I saw it coming, but I what could I have done to stop it. The only other possible out come is if the committment to the girlfiend had happened after I met someone else and became involved with them. And that just wasn't going to happen.

But I am getting ahead of myself. During those three days, I told him his girlfriend was lucky to have him. "Says the girl who he is cheating on his girlfriend with" was his response, which was the first time I was aware this was off limits. Secondly he asked me not to blog about it, he wanted it highly veiled, and to the point I wouldn't be able to write about it at all. So I didn't.

But here is where things get bad. He knew. He knew that my feelings had changed. He knew. And if it was smart, if he cared about me then the way he said he did, he would have walked away then. Because from that point on, his destiny was sealed. I turned a friend into just another man I'm not good enough for, another rejection, another man I have to resent.

I went home and everyone knew something had happened. I was happier, lighter, easier, more hopeful. And Jin mde the mistake of feeding the fantasy. Of telling me such things were possible. I didn't believe it. I knew what was coming, I just wasn't expecting it quite so fast.

A month after I got back he went to visit girlfriend. During this month,before he left, he kept me up all night talking on the phone and IM. He wouldn't talk about romance, but I flirted with him hard core. ( He did spill a little bit on one occassion-come on admit it). He talked about being lonely and being used to the sound of my voice. He used me. He won't fully cop to it, but he did. If really didn't want to encourage me he wouldn't have called. He would have been distant. But clearly, self indulgence won out.

And then he came back and he immed me and sure enough he and girlfriend decided to be monogamous. Fabulous. But what triggered my rage, what gave me my righteous indignation was what he said after he told me.

"So I guess we got in under the wire."

and then later, when he was still clueless by how hurt I was "What? You're not going to stop talking to me now that I won't put out."

And that's what did it. That's what brought the wrath upon him. The characterization of what we did just being about sex. So I was a mess and I went on my bad date. I've been a mess all weekend. And today I stayed home from work. I was such a mess I couldn't go in and I havent' ben able to do a fucking thing. And this is why. I received the following email last night ( I've abridged this letter to take out any reference to the girlfriend as she has no idea that my connection to him might led to her appearance on a blog-I still have SOME sense of fair play):

I've managed to be colossally insensitive, haven't I. I was blind. I
interpreted your letters to mean that you felt much as I do: I care for you
dearly and I happily remember our physical intimacy, and I wonder what may
have happened between us under other circumstances. But I never meant to
suggest that I intended to leave *. Now I see that your feelings for
me extended beyond the closest of friendships into hope for a serious
romantic future between us. I realize this too late, after what I thought
was a casual remark has been taken as a rejection.

(That he wonders what might have happened if indicates that not all of his feelings are that of friendhsip-that's if you take that line seriously, which I don't-to me that's a "and here's your lovely consolation prize-things might be different if..." But the other problem here again what I said before whether you miss happiness by an inch or a mile-you missed it- and doesn't matter if you would have made it in some other slightly different parrallel dimension because we have to live in this one.)

This is strange to me because I think of you so fondly that I don't feel
that I want to push you away. The responsibility of setting limits in our
relationship is mine because I'm the one with other entanglements, and
that's all I felt I was doing. There's been sexual tension between us
throughout our friendship, so that since we were together and enjoying each
other so much, and since it was at the time permissible in my relationship
with *, it seemed natural that we indulge our carnal selves. It is no
longer permissible, so I pointed this out.

Um, right cause a comment like "We got in under the wire." really it ia just pointing something out. And by the way, regardless of entanglements, it is not yours to set limits on what was OUR friendship. As it involved both of us, we both can set limits thanks.

My physical desire for you has not diminished - in fact it's grown stronger
now with the tangible imprint of your body, tantalizing memories of your
sensual manifestation - nor will I ever tire of your conversation or your
company, but my situation has changed, and not because of you. The timing
was poor and leads you to a false impression; you were not some kind of
experiment for me to learn what I wanted. I knew what I wanted then and
it's no different than what I want now. I wanted you then and I want you
now. I cared for you then and I care for you now. I say "care" because
I'm too cowardly to say "love", which I fear seems to throw in your face
the difference between how I love you and how you'd like me to love
you. But I do love you, and I always will. You're an important part of my
life, and I don't ever want to lose your friendship. I have been
deliberately standoffish about making plans with you because I knew *
and I were at a crossroads and I wasn't sure what might come of it. I'd
love to visit you in New York, I just don't want you to think it'd be like
Ft Lauderdale. Well, it'd be close, but without the sex. Plenty of
affection, massages, eating together, cooking together, sightseeing,
picnicking, even cuddling - so long as it remains PG. I don't know that
you want to see me again any time soon, but for what it's worth I miss you.

Rereading what I've written so far the letter seems stilted and
uncomfortable. I guess that's about how I feel. I meant this to be a
handwritten mailed reply and I began it that way, but I'm impatient. I
needed you to know how I felt right away. I don't know how to talk to you
now that I've hurt you. I felt that I had your trust, and now I've
oafishly mishandled your feelings and become another one of those men
who've let you down. I feel ashamed. My feelings for you have always been
sincere - I never meant to use you, to trifle with you. I want you to be
happy, but now I may have botched any happiness I could bring you.

If you still never want to speak to me again, I understand. But I don't
like it. I miss you too much to just let you go with a shrug. I'll be
here if you want me, if you ever want to talk. I really hope you do.

And if this was a movie, this would be where Meg Ryan says "And you say these things and make it impossible for me to hate you Harry. And I hate you Harry, I really hate you."

Yep it's all my own damn fault. He even admitted that this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt him. And it's going to hurt me either way. If I continue the friendship, well then, that's like hugging the blade to your heart. I'm always going to feel rejected and resentful. And If I cut off the friendship, well then I'm left without emotional support, which I clearly need. HE HAS HER, he doesn't need me.

And that pisses me off too. Don't me keeping me up half the night on the phone if you have a girlfriend, that's her fuckin' job. Talk to her when you are lonely and can't sleep. Let me focus on the one thing, the only thing I have left, my hateful, underpaid, utterly annoying job. You don't get to have everything, and leave me with nothing-which is the exact situation I am in now.

And the worst part, the very worst part, is exactly like Eric, he would be the one I would call about this, he would be the one to console me.

Not any more.

So I've helped yet another man realize his goals of monogamy. Fabulous. I get a phone call today that my former roommate, V, who went down on everything and the titanic while she had a girlfriend is getting married. L. this dork I went to college with is getting married. My insane friend from childhood is getting married. Hell, this drug using tattooed photographer friend is getting married ( this week actually) and I and I and I can't get a date with a single guy to save my ass. I can't get even a regular gig with a guy who does have a girlfriend, but what I can do, is I can help men get serious about their women.

That's what I'm here for. The Ancient Greeks believed the key to happiness was to know your place. Well I know it now. Right next to the toilet. ( the garbage can)

Better? Better get a bucket I'm going to puke
This quote is from Monty Python and the Meaning of Life

Ok so I am beginning to recover from my rage. Partially because certain parties can, it seems, read and understand direct instructions ( hooray for that) and partially because Bishop called me. Yes, I am that sad.

But I would like to point out here you really did get to see the worst of the dark side. Or rather part of it. Last night I was incredibly mean to certain parties. Yep, and the sick part is I enjoyed it. I did. He was trying his best last night and today and I did everything to make him miserable and thwart him and I admit it there was a sick pleasure in it. Not that it's what I really want, but since I can't have what I really want, then the next best thing is making him suffer for it. You punish those you can for the ones you really want to suffer. So he is a scapegoat, a place holder. Not that he is entirely innocent, he did do things to bring my wrath upon him.

But generally this is the way of things with my male friends-we are very close and then because of relationship issues there is some kind of fight and I, being me, find an excuse not to deal with the other party ever again (Treehugger) or for a very long period of time ( Milk with Ice-a friend from college-and his friend the Idiot Savant). My friend D ( can I call him Vampire hunter D? Yes let's.) Vampire Hunter D calls it a pre-emptive strike ( he also claims I have pre-emptive bitterness I'm not sure what that is but I don't deny it).

But there is this satisfaction in being mean, in knowing that I have that power over someone still. Of course, I do this because I am threatened by the power he had over me. And there something about a reversal of fortune ( there is a greek term for that) that is quite charming. But the truth is the very heart of the problem is this. Even with all his effort, even with what he is going to say whenever it is I do speak to him, he still isn't going to be as hurt by this as I am.

More Fun Courtesy of

Oh I just couldn't resist posting this profile I was sent by THE LOVE DOCTOR:

hi ladies, i'm a 6 ft/180 lb italian who's looking for some fun. not looking for anything serious. age is of no matter. i'm a very sexual guy, who loves to satisfy a woman. my appetite for sex is huge. u may think i'm conceited, but i can back up my words. and some of u ladies i've been with from here, can also back it up. so if u want to be pleasured among your wildest dreams, give me a shot. if u want to feel what great, passionate, hot, wet, wild dripping sex is all about, i'm your man. i'll make u feel so good inside. don't miss out. is there a woman out there who can keep up with me?

Altogether with me now ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Uh, I already know what "great, passionate, hot, wild dripping sex is all about", but thanks for the invite.

I have to go gargle with clorox now.

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