None of you watched House of a 1000 Corpses? For shame. The three real murderers in Capt Spalding's ride are Albert Fish, Lizzie Borden, and Ed Gein. Spaling's advertises Food, Gas, Murder to roadside motorists (and kids get into his murder ride half off).

Dinner party about to end as I make the mad dash home. Beginning to get sleepy. Time to pop a Red Bull.

Next trivia challenge: What horror film boasts the most number of foreign languages WITHOUT subtitles? 5 pts

Name the fictional rockband featuring members of the crew whose posters appear prominently in three scenes. 5 pts

What famous foreign horror film director has a cameo appearance? 2 pts
Well it seems I may have to check on my research, but the DVD I have proclaims that the Gore Gore Girls is the first X rated horror movie as well as the last movie by schlock king Herschel Gordon Lewis. Herschel was the mind behind the original 2000 maniacs.

Ok I think the dinner party is winding down so you'll be getting the quality commentary back soon. But until then the next trivia challenge:

What 3 real killers are featured as part of Captain Spalding's Murder and Mayhem ride in House of 1000 Corpses? 3 pts

What is the name of the liquor store in this movie? 3 pts

What 3 necessities does Captain Spalding's sign offer to motorists? 2 pts

Who is Baby's favorite actress? 4 pts
Yep, a personally favorite. Can't wait to see the next Simon Pegg movie Fat Boy. It's interesting to know that zombies are perfect for the service industry (cashiers etc). Surprisingly OE didn't recognize that Zombi is actually originally from Dawn of the Dead.

The dinner party rages on into the night. Another difficult series of questions.

This director's final movie was the first X rated horror movie. What is the name of this film? 3 pts.

Who is the director? 1 pt
Ah yes more quality films from the Sci-fi channel. As you may have guessed by how many entries are influenced by the sci fi channel, you now know what I do most nights. Glamorous club hopping? Intense conversations in coffee bars? Nope I'm watching craptacular cinema on sci-fi. I digress.

This one is in honor of the ribs I'm eating right now.

Although right about the gun at the Winchester, what assertion of Ed's does Shaun refuse to believe in Shaun of the Dead? 2 pts

According to this movie zombies are perfect for employment in what industry? 2 pts

Goblin's song Zombi appears on the soundtrack of Shaun of the Dead, in what movie did it originally appear? 1 pt
From Season Three Buffy vs Dracula.

If you haven't yet seen Nightwatch, rent it. It's great visual effects put into the service of a story with multidimensional characters. If only more American filmmakers could balance those two elements instead of making glossy crap like Underworld and Van Helsing.

Well I guess that was too difficult. Better try something easier.

This vampire movie opens with the lines: V-san Vampire Sanitation. The toughtest job you'll ever hate.

What is the name of this movie? 1 pt
Beer Guy's other job is a part time host at Red Lobster, he claims he is a model. Henry Rollins says before he leaves the bar, "Great men will write about my bravery" but right before he dies as a human battering ram he says, "Bullshit." Rollins also appears as a surgeon in Johnny Mnemonic.

Let's break out some hard trivia. Night has fallen so let's talk about the movie Nightwatch.

After Yegor is attacked by vampires, he is at home watching tv when two members of the Nightwatch arrive to protect him. What show and episode is he watching? It's an American show 4 pts.
Oh how I love this film. Well, I am now at my lovely friend Julie's house having a dinner party so th editorial comments may be sparse but I promise to take pictures. I took pictures today, but my computer had a HAL attack when I tried to uploading them. "I'm sorry I can't DO that Bunni."

The killer actually uses a sharpened leg of the camera tripod to kill his victims.

I am aware that I haven't had any give aways yet. So here we go the person who wins the next round will get a special prize-a fangoria shot glass!

Famous last words: In the movie Feast, what does Henry Rollins say before he dies? 2 pts

In what Keanu Reeves movie does Rollins have a cameo? 3 pts

In the beginning of the movie we are introduced to each character and their life expectancy, who is the only character listed by his real name? What is his life expectancy? 3pts

According to Beer guy, what is his other job? 2 pts
According to director William Friedkin, "You don't use God to schill for your movie" and he rejected the tag line. William Peter Blatty was known for writing slapstick comedies, particularly Blake Edward's A Shot in the Dark. After a while screwball comedy lost it's market and Blatty was out of work. At that time, he remembered a real case that took place when he was in college. He moved back to his college town and commenced research, which if Joe Bob Briggs is to be believed is pretty close to the real case.

Eileen Smith is really the girl vomiting pea soup in the Exorcist. Although she was told not to discuss her role in the movie, she got upset and sued the studio for credit for her "performance" AKA stunt vomiter.

Trivia challenge before I go uptown to meet friends for dinner:

In what movie does the following line appear: Do you know what the most terrifying thing in the world is? It's fear. 1 pt

What does the killer use to kill his victims? 1 pt
Larry Fessenden got his tooth kicked out when his mugged in Brooklyn in 1984 and never had it replaced. He was in a movie released last year called Automatons, which rocked. He also kicked butt in a short film called the Pod. I've met Larry and he is just a cool guy. In the movie Habit, when the female vampire asks him about his front tooth he simply replies "My mother" and never gives any elaboration.

Let's get back to some horror classics:

What was the original tag line for the movie The Exorcist? 2 pts

Why did William Friedkin, the director, reject the tag line? 3 pts

William Peter Blatty wrote the book and the screenplay, what film was he best known for BEFORE the Exorcist? 3 pts

Finally, although Linda Blair complained that this movie ruinned her career because she became the "pea soup girl" it was not actually her vomiting pea soup. Who was it? 5 pts.
When an alcoholic cartoonist hits a dog named Lucky with his car, he doesn't know it's going to change his whole life. But Lucky revitalizes his career and his love life, but soon Lucky reveals the price for success is human lives. A really good creepy horror movie with a sense of humor.

The set is decorated with beer cans that took one of the producers 3 years to collect. That's a hell of a sacrifice for his art.

Identify the movie with the following line:

"I began to realize that this girl is, like, drinking my blood in a way that's like effecting my health."

identification 1 pt.

The leading actor is missing a front tooth. What is the explanation in the movie? 3 pts

What is the explanation in real life? 4 pts

(I'll give you a hint the main actor is in Cabin Fever II: Spring Fever.)
Starring David Boreanaz as a satanic priest doing a really bad Elvis impersonation and Eddie Furlong as the latest incarnation of the Crow. Indeed, Dennis Hopper utters the line in question as apparently, he is willing to take any movie that comes around these days.

So you thought that was easy huh?

Well let's see if you get the next one:

Identify the movie that features the following lines:

"I've made 3 big changes in my life. I switched beers when I was 16. I switched back when I was 30, and I killed a girl last week."

also

"I couldn't get Misty out of my mind...or out of my backyard." 2 pts

One of the most impressive parts of this movie are the beer cans all over the set. How long did it take for one of the producers to collect the cans? 5 pts

Although there are references to all kinds of horror movies within Slither like the Castavets (the neighbors in Rosemary's Baby) and Dr. Carl (voiced by Rob Zombie a reference to the movie Rabid) the movie's inspiration was the David Cronenberg classic Shivers. Lloyd hired James when he saw that thanks to his performance art James had the ability to vomit onstage at will. According to the mayor, lyme disease is caused by handling deer feces and then eating a sandwich without watching your hands. It does, not, however, make you look like a squid.

And of course, the Sheriff's name is Bill Pardy.

OK Here's some more courtesy of 2 am sci-fi channel programming.

A gangster named El Nino pronounces the following line in what movie, "I now pronounce you Devil and his shorty! Kiss the bride motherfucker!" 1 pt

Who plays El Nino? 1 pt
This film is a personal favorite for a variety of reasons. It features a date scene at the now gone, but not forgotten Stingy Lulu's, I know two people in the movie, and of course, there are exploding breasts, which I think we all agree is far more historically significant than anything in the Wild Bunch. But my most favoritiest thing about this movie is the line that appears in the uncut version:
"For 40,000 you think NYU could teach her to wear gloves when handling a lightbulb."

According to Lloyd's daughter, Charlotte, who kills the crossdressing fiend in the movie, that line was inspire by the few NYU interns that worked at Troma. Apparently they aren't known for their common sense.

What a surprise.

The killer is obsessed with the song Amazing Grace which shows up in various covers during the movie. Ron Jeremy, friend to fellow Surreal Life Cast member-the Late Tammy Faye, plays the killer's molestering father of the killer. Finally Lloyd Kaufman plays Larry Benjamen a blind film director.

OK next trivia challenge. Things are going to get pretty rough round these parts if OE keeps getting correct answers.

Although most horror fans thought the movie Night of the Creeps was the inspiration for Slither according to James Gunn what film really inspired Slither? 4 pts

James was hired after he graduated from Columbia by Lloyd Kaufman of Troma after Lloyd read what special talent on his resume? 5 pts

According to the mayor, how can one get lyme disease? 1 pt

What is the name of the sheriff? 1 pt
No wonder the French hate us. In this movie, Julia Delpy's idea of "hair of the dog" is human hearts in a blender. The plot involves a serum which can causes werewolves to transform immediately and a pack of skinheads who don't like American tourists. Can you say "All You Can Eat Buffet"?

The beginning of the movie features Julia attempting suicide off the Eiffel Tower, when she is saved by a bungee jumper. The end of the movie featured their marriage when they bungee jump off of Lady Liberty.

And when did it become 4:30? It was 9 am like ten minutes ago I swear.

Now that OE has entered the fray I feel the need to break out some of the harder questions.

This would hardly be a horror movie trivia quiz if I didn't throw a Troma movie or seven out there.

In what movie does Lloyd Kaufman claim "This movie is going to have more gunshots than any movie except Sam Pecknipah's the Wild Bunch. But we have.........which is much more historically significant."

What's the name of this movie? 1 pt.

What is the object that is more historically significant? 2 pts

What is the song the serial killer is obsessed with? 2 pts

Who is the killer's father? 1 pt

What disability does the director have? 2 pts
This film has the dubious honor of being the only film to actually make me gag. It is a great movie and has some interesting questions about what is a "healthy" relationship. Although the killer does feed them junk food, the secret ingredient is the fat from the corpses of the previous victims. And yes the slogan is Consumption is Evolution.

I am honor bound to point out that last year's winner Office Elf AKA OE has entered the fray. He is the man to beat people.

I am also honor bound to mentioned follow thonner Scribbling Way of the Ninja has made me a nice bunny girl! So go look!

OK I need time to eat so a few quick questions:

"You are the most egocentric corpse I've ever met."

Identify the movie 2 pts.

Identify the monument that appears at the beginning of the movie and the monument that appears at the end. 2 pts.
You are indeed correct Kimberly. How you know that the opening scene is shot in the NJ Meadowlands is because a young couple is in a motorcycle and end up impaled. As Joe Bob says,"That's the NJ meadowlands. If you die in a swamp, you get chopped up by an outboard motor, you get eaten by an alligator, you drown. But only in the NJ meadowlands do you get impaled!" He was so impressed by the scene that half way through the next one he interrupts himself to talk about the previous scene again.

I feel the needs for a little foodie trivia while I make myself a late lunch of a dang quesadilla.

Here's the premise: An Australian cop suspects an American serial killer of feeding willing women to death for the entertainment of online subscribers.

Name the movie 2 pts.

What is the "secret" ingredient he adds to his victim's food to help them gain weight? 4 pts

What is the killer's main ideology/slogan? 2 pts
I gotta say, I'm disappointed people. This movie came out this year and most of the answers are up at IMDB. But here they are. The poem Jungle Julia "writes" for Butterly's lapdance is On a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost. Although in the movie the lapdance is on a "missing" reel, shots of it were featured in the trailers.

Despite being horribly unfunny, Cherry wanted to be a stand-up comedian. Kurt Russell who plays Stuntman Mike is also called Icy Hot. Finally the trailers are as follows:

Cowgirls in Sweden, They Call Him Machete, Werewolf Women of the SS, Thanksgiving, and Don't.

They Call Him Machete is actually becoming a real film. All of these trailers are available for your viewing pleasure at youtube. I'd link 'em here, but well I don't think it will make much of a difference.

Next trivia challenge. I feel the need for a little Joe Bob Briggs.

The premise of this film features a traumatized science teacher being harassed to the breaking point by her students.

Name the movie 1 pt.

According to Joe Bob's commentary on the DVD, you can tell that the opening scene of this film was filmed in the NJ meadowlands how?
5 pts.

Still haven't gotten the strawberry soda because of my fear about post quality. I am going dammit and getting some snacks too!

If you love Bruce as much as I do, and I know you do because, well, he's Bruce. He's the only man who can actually make profound statements about the difficulties of signing a girl's bosom, you might well enjoy the Director's Cult song Army of Bruce. The same group has a tribute to Wolf Creek called Head on a Stick.

Bakerina is indeed correct-the words Klatuu Barada Nikto come from the film The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Unfortunately Ted appears in four confirmed roles.

Welll let's keep going with movies that try and capture that old movie feeling but heap on the gore.

In the movie Grindhouse, Jungle Julia rewrites what famous poem for a man to recite in order for her friend Butterfly to give him a lap dance? 1 pt

Cherry, the crying go go girl, wants to go into what line of work? 1 pt

What "brand name" is so prominently displayed on Kurt Russell's costume that it becomes a nickname for him? 2 pt

Grindhouse features a number of "fake" trailers. Name all of the fake trailers. 5 pts.

AKA Rik Mayall. You might remember him as Drop Dead Fred, but fans of British comedy also know him as Flasheart from Blackadder as well as Rik from the Young Ones. He also appeared in the Comic Strip and Bottom(See some of his work at Youtube). But Bakerina, who is preparing a lovely blogathon dinner for me, and I love him best for his performance as Sir Richard Dangerous on the Dangerous Brothers.

The porn film, which Landis actually filmed, was See You Next Wednesday. That film title is a signature of his and appears in many of his movies.

Next set of trivia questions. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm in the mood for a little Bruce Campbell to keep me going.

In Army of Darkness, what words must Ash repeat? 1 pt

From what classic sci fi film are these words taken? 1 pt

How many confirmed characters does Ted Raimi play? 2 pts

I'm gonna run out and get some strawberry soda (didn't stock up yesterday) so you might have five extra minutes to answer.

Welcome to the Guts and Glory Jubilee at Pleasant Valley. Of course, Robert Englund, better known as Freddy, plays the mayor. Although John Landis originally played Professor Ackerman, he scenes were cut and Peter Stormare took over the role.

OK let's try something easier, as I think I'm losing some of you here. Since I've mentioned John Landis....

What British comic actor is one of the chess playing locals at the Slaughered Lamb? 3 pts

In the famous porn theater scene, what is the movie showing on the screen? 1 pts

Ah yes, Cabin Fever. Roth's director commentary reveals that when his mother asked him if he wanted a DJ at his bar mitzvah, he was terrified because "girls thought I was wierd." (Yeah I wonder why.) Instead he wanted a magician to cut him in half with a chainsaw. He got his wish.

Roth's canine sidekick is Dr. Mambo who appears with him in 2001 Maniacs. Roth originally cast the pitbull from Roadhouse, but had to recast a police dog when it was discovered that the pitbull was just far too friendly to be threatening. On the Cabin Fever DVD you can see a special feature which shows footage of the original dog spliced into the attack scene.


Since we are on the subject, let's talk about 2001 Maniacs.

The movie centers around a festival. What is the name of the festival? 1 pt

What is the name of the town where the action takes place? 1 pt.

What horror icon plays the mayor? 1 pt

What actor has a cameo as a history professor at the beginning of the movie? 1 pt


This awesome slasher flick is the directorial debute of David Arquette (you may remember him from the Scream franchise). Paul Reubens (who had a stunning death in Buffy the Vampire Slayer the movie) played the unscrupulous festival manager. The hippie followed a white rabbit into further into the forest. Gotta watch out for those bunnies, people.

So three hours into this I am beginning to realize that 30 minutes is just long enough to do nothing useful. So it's time for some Cabin Fever trivia!


In the director commentary, Roth discloses that instead of a DJ at his bar mitzvah he asked his mother for what? 4 pts

How do Roth and the male cast members on the commentary track refer to the strip joint that was across the street from the hotel where they stayed during the shoot? 2 pts

Roth appears in this movie with a dog named what? 1 pt

Who did Roth original cast as his canine companion? 2 pts

In what other movie so Roth and his sidekick appear?
There are actually two alien references in Dreamcatchers-the army calls the alien menace Ripley and Jones or Jonesy is also the name of Ripley's cat. Jason Lee, AKA Earl and Underdog, fends off the alien menace with a toilet brush. Not too surprising that he doesn't succeed with such advanced weaponry. King sold the movie rights for a dollar. Personally I think the movie studio overpaid. Thomas Jane, who is a veteran of many horror films, agreed to do the movie because his mother, a King fan, told him too. Tom, honey, that's why you have an agent.

But not all of Tom's choices are so questionable. This next film was a very good choice on his part.

Premise: A serial killer obsessed with Ronald Reagen kills pseudo-hippies at a Woodstockesque music festival. It features Thomas Jane's line, "That's compassionate conservativism."

Name that movie. 1 pt.

This film marks the directorial debut of what actor? 1 pt.

Early on in the film, a naked hippie follow what deeper into the forest to meet a grisly death? 4 pts.

Who plays the unscrupulous manager of the music festival? 2 pts.
The first solo effort of French directer Jean-Pierre Jeunet better known for his work with Marc Caro (Delicatessan and City of Lost Children). In this installment of the Alien franchise, Sigourney Weaver was supposed to make love to the Queen Alien. This is what happens when you allow the French to director a horror film, people. Luckily, someone stopped him and the scene is simply,uh disgustingly erotic and slimy.

Next trivia question:

While some consider him the King of Horror, his work has been behind some of the worst horror movies. This premise involves many key elements from his more popular novels-boys brought together by a traumatic childhood incident share psychic abilities, which they are meant to use to battle an alien menace.

Name the movie. 1 pt.

In the movie, what does Jason Lee use to fend off the alien menace? 3 pts.

How much did Stephen King sell the movie rights for? 2 pts

AKA: Dracula is Alive and Well and Living in London.

It might be me, but I tend to think that no vampire film should have the phrase "alive and well." It's one of my fave ridiculous vampire movies of which there are MANY. (Also see: Van Helsing and John Carpenter's Vampires: Los Muertos)

This film has the dubious pleasure of being the last Hammer Horror movie. It was also released in 1974, the year I was born.


Next trivia question:

Identify the film which contains the following lines:

Man 1: Drink, Elgyn?
Man 2: Constantly.

Elsewhere in the film this line is uttered, "You're programmed to be an asshole? You're the new asshole model they're putting out?"

1 pt.

Also name the director whose first solo effort was this film. 1 pt.
Although Ashbrook got eaten by the Wolfman in Waxworks, it was in Girlfriend from Hell that he proclaimed that he met God. In fact, he played an angel charged by God to capture a demon, but had fallen in love with the demon in question. Oh yeah, another film not to attempt without crash gear.

Let's kick it old school now:

Premise: Dracula resurrected by a Satanic Cult, hatches a plan to release an engineered strain of the Bubonic Plague upon the world (effectively wiping out his own food supply). Identify both the original AND the alternative title for this film. 3 pts.

What is the historical significance of this film? 2 pts.

Another film which is a crime against nature as well as David Warner. This film had quite a few horror veterans aside from Warner (The Omen) including Deborah Foreman (April Fool's Day), Zach Galligan (Gremlins), MST3K favorite Miles O'Keefe (Ator from Cavedwellers) as Dracula, and Dana Ashbrook.

Our next trivia question will focus on the lovely Mr. Ashbrook. Although perhaps best known for his performance on the television show Twin Peeks, in what schlock horror festorama did Ashbrook proclaim that he met God, but expected him to be taller? 1 pt.

Yes, a movie so bad that even all the eye candy couldn't save it. I have to say, despite all the Troma movies I've watched, if I had a choice between watching Frankenfish or Van Helsing...well I would probably set my own head on fire and beat it out with a sledgehammer to avoid watching either one, but I digress. Let's just say it's bad and move on.

Van Helsing is allegedly the prequel to Evil Dead. I didn't believe it either, but IMDB says it, so it must be true.

Incidentally I had to fix the clock on my blogger program, so don't trust the first two time stamps. I didn't realize my blogger clock is apparently 30 minutes ahead.

Here is your next trivia question:

This horror film involves a plot to unify the 18 most evil "people" who ever lived despite one of them is a man eating plant and another is an alien. This movie, like Van Helsing also features Dracula and the Wolfman.

"Can't a girl get laid around here without being burned at the stake?"

Identify this movie. 1 pt.

What MST3K fave plays Dracula? 2 pt.
Such a bad film shouldn't have such a complicated title. Definitely a film that only a professional schlock watcher like myself should attempt to enjoy. Speaking of which, if you haven't seen the Simpsons movie go see it. It honestly was one of the best movies. The trailer before the movie suck and make you wonder what the hell is wrong with American filmmaking these days, but the Simpsons movie will reaffirm your faith in everything.

Here's your next question:

Identify the film in which this exchange occurs:

Man 1: Why do we have to kill this Dracula anyway?
Man 2: Because he's the son of the Devil.
Man 1:I mean besides that.
pt ranking 1

Also, this movie was supposed to be the prequel to what cult classic? pt 2
Let's start with just one question and work up to some of the more difficult trivia. Here's your first trivia question: In what movies does Jon Bon Jovi play a vampire hunter? 1 point.

Incidentally questions will be given a point ranking of one through five depending on difficulty, some movies will only have one question, others will have several. Feel free to post answers here or email them to me.

Let the games begin.
Welcome to Bunniblog's Blogathon Horror Trivia Challenge. Before the whole wacky sleepless hijinx ensues I thought I would take a moment to give a little history to the Horror Trivia Challenge and explain how to play the game.


My father was a big fan of horror films. All of them. Good. Bad. Ugly. Low budget. Poorly acted. Ridiculously premised. He loved them all. It was perhaps one of the few things we bonded over. We would get a whole bunch of crap from the 24 hour store (cream soda, bright orange "cheese" popcorn, pretzel sticks, strawberry soda, chocolate covered donuts, gummy worms) and stay up watching some of the worst dreck ever to grace the small screen. Occasionally, we would treat ourselves to actually going out, getting bucket of popcorn drenched in bright yellow food coloring, a jacuzzi sized coke, and seeing a movie on the big screen.

I inherited his love of horror movies. I've stayed up late night watching movies like My Bloody Valentine and Blood Feast. I've burnt out my eyes on bad sequels and pretend tributes to H.P. Lovecraft. I've driven away dates with my terrifying dissertations on the anti-American content in the remake of the Hills Have Eyes. But now the time has come to finally put my wasted youth to work in the name of a good cause.


Sound familiar? Well, it should. I've done a similar version of this game for the last two years. (You can see past 'thon posts here and here.) But what is a sequel without some changes, some innovations? Last year I gave away one grand prize. This year there will be a bigger more mysterious grand prize as well as smaller giveaways along the way: devilish rubberduckies, jolly rodger hotpads, scary shot glasses. So let me tell you how it's done.

Each post will contain a trivia question or questions about one film. Each question will have a point ranking based on difficulty.You, my precious readers, then have 30 minutes to answer the questions. You can post the answer in the comments field of this blog or email them to me ( misslapin at gmail dot com). After thirty minutes, I will post the answers in the next post along with the next set of questions. The commenter with the most points at the end of 24 hours will win a prize.

Now I don't expect you to stay up 24 hours. There will be a winner no matter what and that person will simply have the most points. Now if few people play, then your chance to win is pretty good. If there are lots of players, well, you better be on your A game. There is no registration fee or process. Players can drop in and out as needed-no worries you're always welcomed back into the game. All you have to do is be sure to give some sort of name so I can tally your points. Remember the winner, because of the point system, may not be the person who answered the most questions, but the person who answered the most difficult questions.




The good news about eating men at the astounding rate that I do is that much like potato chips, they'll make more. I was walking by a bar where one of my latest conquests with whom I have been playing casual phone tag was sitting having a beer doing nothing. Including calling me despite the fact that I still have his watch and he called yesterday to let me know we "might" be able to get a drink. I might have gotten the insiest bit upset if, at the exact time in the exact same bar, a really hot guy almost fell out of the bar window he was so trying to get my attention.

Better to think of the men that I will sleep with who won't call than focus on the ones I have slept with and don't call.

Who says I'm a pessimist?
Disclaimer: This post contains graphic sexual content.


I ended up in Place des Vosges for dinner again. I was trying to find some restaurant recommended in the Eyewitness Guide and ended up in the least crowded restaurant I could find. The least crowded was one where I was the only customer. I didn't want to be hassled. I was tired and sore from the Louvre. I wanted to sit and write my notes without feeling like the waiters were either making fun of me or desperately trying to free my table up for some, French, customer.

So I sat alone in a French restaurant watching the sun set. Again I was haunted by the feeling that I hadn't done things right. I mean, the first time I was in Paris, I had already bagged two frenchmen by day three and fended off numerous unwanted advances. I hadn't even been hit on. Christ, I hadn't even been winked at. Maybe I was in the wrong part of town. Maybe I should have gone to Florence. Maybe the mistake was in trying to relive days of past glory. What's impressive about a magic trick isn't that you pull it off once. Anyone can do that. It's that you can repeat the same trick over and over again at will. That's the magic.

And I had been unhappy in the Louvre. And I wasn't venturing far from the hotel. I hadn't yet been to the Latin Quarter for dinner. Of course, I was exhausted when I got home, but I could have taken a cab. I had the money to spend, so why not get a cab there? Because that was admitting defeat, weakness. To whom I don't know, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But where was my sense of adventure? Where was my devil may care attitude? Where the Hell had I gone? Taking a trip is about self discovery, but what happens when you go away and discover you've vanished. There's just two footsteps in the snow where you used to be.

I ate quickly. I wanted to go home and crash. I was exhausted from all my time in the Louvre and I had to reorganize my Enforced Cultural Death March of attack for the next few days and my left ankle was throbbing.

On my way home, I noticed that two men with a baby carriage were keeping pace with me. Of course, my first thought was that even in Paris I am a hit with the fucking gays. (Me and Kathy Griffin no doubt have that in common.) And not just any gays but a gay french family. I thought this had to be some kind of rarity. They were polite and smiled. They started to chat while we were waiting for a light and after that it took me about five steps to realize that I , the great and powerful Bunni, who has honed her gaydar to razor's edge like precision had fallen victim to the gay or European conundrum. They weren't gay. One of them was a married man taking his baby for a stroll ,and his cousin was walking with him realizing what men in New York realized a long time ago about dogs: a baby is a great way to pick up chicks.

Baby or not the cousin, Luc, was gorgeous-that exotic mix of olive skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes would have had me on the verge of tossing my panties at him even with an American accent, but you add into the pot that he doesn't speak much English and has a French accent and we have entered the real of moral imperative.

The Lord only puts a man like that in my path for one reason and it isn't to be a tour guide or refresh my knowledge of the French language. It isn't to discuss the finer points of Zola's the Drinking Den or long strolls in the Luxemburg Gardens. It is to reassure me beyond a doubt that as long as I can get plane fare to Paris, I will always be able to have satisfying but incredibly questionable cheap sexual encounters with hot younger men.

Can I get an amen from the front row?

Before I left for Paris the first time, the Big Bad took me aside and gave me some advice. "Fuck lots of guys," he said to me, "I mean lots of guys. You are on vacation. No one will know. No one will care. I mean be safe. But fuck lots of men."

Who am I to argue?

We walked for a bit. The father of the child offered his services as a tour guide the next day. He was a stay at home father. I agreed to meet him early to depart for the Luxemburg Gardens. I had no intention of ever seeing him again. I take my advice on how to treat men in Paris from Madeleine Kahn in Clue, "Men should be like tissue: soft, strong and disposable." It's amazing I haven't been banned from the city yet.

Yet.

The father departed, and Luc and I stayed on a bench while he tried to talk his way into my hotel room. I was torn. Normally I have an instinctive sense about people-the Bunni sense. Rarely have I been wrong. I can usually tell right away: bad news or good? Occasionally judgment gets clouded, but I wasn't really getting a sense from this guy either way.

Finally I decided I wasn't going to see him again no matter what I decided. Might as well give him a bit of a thrill before I threw him away. And since I wasn't getting a bad sense from him, where was the harm?

On the wall of the room by the bed, quite close to the bed in fact, was a floor to ceiling mirror. I can't imagine why one would put a full length mirror there, but there it was.

I've always had a thing about mirrors. My first boyfriend and I were involved in the theater in school. Most of the dressing rooms had walls that were lined entirely with cracked, streaked, floor to ceiling mirrors. We would be making out on the couch and I could look and see us-his hand under my shirt, his face buried in my neck, my thigh raised against his torso urging him further. There was something arousing about being able to see us from a different point of view, an outside point of view, as if someone was watching us. Utterly safe exhibitionism, if you will.

I didn't intend to be naked so quickly, but this guy was not about foreplay. He was about ripping off clothes and taking me. I put up no resistance. A simple turn of the head and I could see him-lean, tan, arching. I was almost invisible beneath-reduced to a glimpse of elbow-an ankle-a flash of hand. There was nothing sensual about this, nothing less brutal animal desire, which ended quickly.

Luckily, because he was young, he also recovered quickly. As I dozed for a moment against his chest, he threw me onto my back, "Are you tired?" he asked sliding into me. "Are you tired?" he repeated. I could barely breathe I was so surprised, although I don't think either answer would have stopped him.

As Harry Burns remarked in When Harry Met Sally, "Your problem is somewhere between thirty seconds and all night." Afterwards, he took a shower while I pondered how to get him out of my room. I mean, I couldn't quite say, "Yes well that was great now get out." This is why one goes to HIS house. So that afterwards one can remember an early morning meeting. "Love to stay baby doll, but my Life Coach wants to meet at seven." Or you left your copy of I Ching on your bedside table and lord knows you can't go through a single day without that. Worse case scenario you can reveal that you have an emotionally needy cat who will pee in your Ferragamos if you don't get home soon. Sure you don't have Ferragamos and your cat, emotionally disturbed as she may be, would never dream of pissing anywhere but the litterbox, but HE doesn't know that and he never will.

But in my wanton French lust, I have forgotten one of the key rules to being Une Petite Americaine Coquine: Never take them to your place.

And so now I have to think up some excuse to get him out of my room so I can peacefully sleep without this, well gorgeous, but only functional lover. Because pure lust is not what I am after, and what I need, tenderness and sweetness, this youngster can not offer. Time release him back into the Bull Pen.

But my mind, addled as it is from sex, exhaustion, wine, and butter, can not function properly. I come up with nothing while he showers. He comes back to the bed and puts the television on.

"Are you a Christian or a Jew?" he asks me in French.

I could tell the truth. The French are apparently famously antisemitic. But when I think about his complexion I know where he is going with this. I wonder what is less offensive to a French Muslim, an American Christian or a Jew?

"Christian, and you?"

"Muslim."

It seems I have made a hobby, if not a second career, of fucking men that would my father would have killed me rather than suffer the idea that these men had ever touched me.

Another notch on the bedpost for World Peace.

or something like that.

He lies there quietly for a minute. Then he recalls that he left his metrocard at home. I have a flicker of hope. "Oh well," he shrugs, "It's not serious." Then he remembers that he has to get up early for work. He fidgets. The list of things he forgot seems to exponentially multiply. "Why don't you just go home?" I finally said to him exasperated he was still here and damn near infuriated he didn't even have the balls to say he has to leave. "You're not mad?"

Mad. I was practically overjoyed.

"Of course not." He was full of apologies and promises for the next night. The next night he would stay over. He would take me to dinner. He would give me a massage. Whether these were empty promises were of no interest to me. As I said, he had served his purpose, but he wasn't worth the effort of a repeat performance. He's Just Not That Into You meet He Fucking Wishes.

He promises to meet me at six o'clock at the corner. He says it a few times insistent that repeat back the time and place before he leaves. I go to the window and light a cigarette. I watch him walk down the street distant and disinterested. As my friend from college would say, "He's just another cheap piece of ass that you won." Still I wonder if that's all that Paris has left to offer me-bad museum experiences and tolerable sex. Because if that's it, well I can walk five blocks to the Met save a ton on airfare and not bother having to pack a suitcase and get the same damn thing.

Labels: exhibitionism, paris, sex, voyeurism

I have five days in order to reach my goal of raising 1000 dollars for blogathon, but here's the thing. I've pretty much run out of people I can harass for donations. And I'm even running out of bloggers to harass to post because my friends have donated, my blogger friends have posted. So first of all, to all of you a huge round of thanks for being fabulous wonderful people who reaffirm my faith that there is some decency left in humanity. (There is certainly none of that in my class room.) Unfortunately it also means that I don't know where these last dollars are going to come from.

Except shameless exploitation of my readership. If you haven't sponsored me yet, please do. If you already have, please harass the bloggers you know to post about my quest and email your friends. The more people who know, the more likely I will find donors to help me reach my goal. I promise you huge bags of gummy brains and popcorn flavored jelly bellys if you do. I've even been scouting for awesome prizes-and found some lovely, but horrible knick knacks that no horror hound should be without.

Oh and this last post was just a taste of what's to come tomorrow. Yeah baby red hot Parisian paramours. And honestly, if this last post got you hot you can't wait for the end of the Paris diaries. So help me to help you.