I would like to add something here having to do with previous post. Because the hot guy from last weekend didn't call, I called Chris D (see chart for when he was my "boyfriend"). We still hang out from time to time and fool around. A bad idea all around. Personally I think we need to really give the dating thing a serious go so it can totally fail so we can both get over it, but since he isn't having it, we just have to live with this wierd desire for each other. Not really being with each other and not able to resist each other all at the same time. Anyway I know what D would say about this whole situation if I were to tell him about it, which I probably will. He would simply say that no man in the same room can resist me. As attractive as an idea that is I think that's D's way of rationalizing his continued attraction to me. It would also be a pretty effective way of rationalizing all the cheating on his girlfriends he has done with me. To my credit, he doesn't tell me until after the fooling around that he has a girlfriend. That way I am at least ethically absolved. Although, I think by now I probably could have figured out his pattern.On the other hand, his grilfriends are really not my problem. I'm not cheating on anyone with him, so I'm in the clear and technically the only person I'm really hurting by continuing to "be with" D is myself. D is an interesting guy. He is really the one who saved me from my last suicidal depression. The type of guy I could call and he would come over and "babysit" me. So when I started feeling shall we say unpleasant urges towards myself when I was walking by the knives this week I called him and told him he had to come over and watch a video with me. And he will. That's the strange thing about him, in his own way he is the most ethical person I know and one of the most strangely dependable. He also has several different sides to his personality all uncomfortably housed in the same body. Well I guess the housing crunch effects everyone.
It is an odd thing to make love to someone after absence. I mean an absence that lasts years. The first time I slept with him I was 23 and he was 20. Now I'm 28 and he's 25. There was a four year lapse in our sleeping together (it might actually have been more) It's strange to to experience it all over again. See how much the person has changed (or perhaps hasn't changed). D has changed quite at bit(a vast improvement I am happy to say), at least in that department. In respect to everything else however he is the same. But I suppose I should simply be happy that I have evidence that change of any kind is still possible.

"These were not pleasant thoughts. Perhaps, CB thought to himself, it was impossible to have pleasant ones so close to a decomposing moose." Richard Russo-Empire Falls (available at amazon)

He didn't call. Not that the vigil is technically over. Some guys call after two weeks. So there is still hope. You can still light candles or donate money to the religious order of your choice in the name of me getting a phone call from what the hell let's put his name down, David O'connor. Can you get more irish than that? Maybe that's why he didn't call, maybe he actually a priest. Oh lord that would happen to me. I manage to avoid dating gay men, and then walk right into fooling around with a priest. So let's all pray now that David O'Connor is not a priest and the reason why he isn't calling is because he is trapped under a large piece of furniture.
So I met a cute funny smart sexy guy last night (he had the best voice and I'm a sucker for a sexy voice) so we are having this big conversation and he's flirting and I'm flirting and his hand is on my waist and then and then and then after three hours of conversation he tells me "Well I just sort of started seeing someone, but I will definately call you and see you again. I'm just saying I don't know what's going to happen and I met her first, so I may have to cool it, you know?" OK first off I didn't know there was a LINE for you. Second of all, you know how men hate a tease? You would think they would understand by now that it goes both ways. WE hate a tease too. Don't sit over there talking me up and then tell me after I've invested my whole damn friday night that you are already taken. I have other things I could have been doing, more important things, like painting my god damned toe nails. And now I know what it feels like to be runner up for Miss America-should John's girlfriend not be able to complete her duties you will be able to assume the mantle.
Do I get a tiara?

"What do you call a man with half a brain?-Gifted."
Ok so he hasn't called. Arguably because I spend all this time online and he can't get through and he probably thinks that I gave him the wrong number.
Sure, let me think that ok.
So, now I'm debating calling him, which is probably a big mistake, especially considering that I've had a margarita and after fifteen minutes of conversation I would be like "Um would you excuse me while I pass out?" Oh yeah, how can he resist my feminine wiles? (Is that even how you spell wiles? These are the types of questions that keep me up late nights. It is also the reason I'm probably still suffering from a cold.)
"I'm a mental patient, I'm supposed to act out" -Twelve Monkeys

YOU AREN'T PRAYING HARD ENOUGH because he hasn't called yet. Maybe you need to sacrifice a lamb or place a carton of chicken mcnuggets on an alter somewhere.
Yes it's day two of phone watch and no he hasn't called. Do they ever? I mean, usually I even wait for the day afterwards even though they NEVER call that day. Well, ok once a guy did and I ended up in a two year relationship with him, but it was a bad relationship. So I'm not exactly sure what the lesson of that particular set of circumstances is (if you want me as a long term girlfriend call, but if I want a decent relationship I shouldn't answer?) Of course, I'm online right now which means that if he is trying to call my phone is just ringing and ringing and ringing (yes I live in the dark ages, but I do have a cellphone which people call me on when I'm online, of course, he doesn't have that number). His number is right next to my left hand taunting me. Why do men do that? I can't tell you how many times men have given me their numbers only to blow me off when I actually called. What is that? So that you can say "Well I could have that ass, but I chose not to." Is it a power trip? I mean, for a long time I refused to take a guy's number. I was like "listen, here is mine. You want to call, call. You don't, I don't have to live with the emotional torture of deciding to call you." Of course my friends are like "Well, just pretend you don't have his number." What am I five years old now? Why I don't just pretend that he is puff the magic dragon? or pretend that the reason he isn't calling is because he doesn't have opposable thumbs? On the other hand, I could just throw the number out and then I would eliminate the whole temptation.
But of course I can't DO that because what if he is one of the few insecure guys in the world who wants a woman to make the first move.
No, sorry that can't be it.
Um, well, I just can't ok. I can't even come up with a good rationalization, but really, a hot guy gives you his number, would you thorw it away? Besides he has such nice handwriting.
In other news apparently to distract herself from the fact that my phone never rings, my cat has learned to open the damn refridgerator door. Isn't that impressive? I only wish my students had the same drive and ambition. I mean, my cat has more of a quest for learning than my students, who are paying about thirty two thousand dollars a year.
And speaking of evilness in the learning environment, I had a department meeting on monday. OK so here's the situation: eight people, ten questions, one hour and ten minutes. Now these eight people have to pick four of the ten questions to be on a mid term in one hour and ten minutes. Could we do it? No fucking way. Not even close. I mean we finally voted after forty minutes, and one professor-her picks didn't make it. So she keeps putting up a fuss, can't she have her question just for her class? Well no. We agree to have a common mid term, and that's what a common mid term means, common, as in we all share it, twit. But no she keeps bitching and moaning and complaining. I'm sitting there like "You know at least half the time questions I hate get approved and I live with it. We aren't talking about the bombing of Cambodia here. It shouldn't keep you up nights. If you think the question isn't fair, take that into consideration when grading or tell your kids not to answer that question." I mean, people, we aren't taking about solving world peace, we just need four questions for the exam. And the head of the department would not shut this woman down. We voted, her questions lost, move on. It happens to all of us, it happens often. We all teach and we all teach the same class. She needs to just accept. Except that she complained so much that the department head decided to let her have her way. Which totally destroys the common mid term idea. Why not then just let all of us write our own mid terms (please and spare us the serious emotional anguish of another meeting like that)? But then having her own way there, she just wouldn't stop. Then one question that won by a landslide (everyone, including her, voted for it) she suddenly has issues with it. Oh it's too vague. Oh I don't like the way it is phrased. Well, jesus, then you SHOULDN"T HAVE VOTED FOR IT, GENIUS. So I have to leave and teach, but now I've approved a question that I won't even get see in its final form. This morning I get the "new" and "improved" form of the question. It is a totally different question, which is so amazingly vague that my students would have a better shot if I simply gave the question "why?" In fact, I was tempted to suggest it as an alternative. However, taking my own advice, when asked about this new question I told the head of the department "Listen, I don't like the new question. I liked the old question, which is why I voted for it, but I will accept any question at this point. My students will be able to answer it." She said "Well, lots of people aren't happy with this new question." She didn't say why we weren't going back to the original form of the question, which everyone liked. It is enough to make me eat paint, if I didn't already.
Of course none of this would matter if the hot guy would call me. I mean if I actually had a life these meetings wouldn't bother me.
OK yes they would but I wouldn't be so bothered that I would actually have to write about them or waste my time filling up a blog with them. No I could fill my blog with happy sunshine thoughts (OK A-who would read that? and B-I can't even begin to imagine ever having those kinds of thoughts). Ok just tried googling the guy's name. Figured he's an actor he probably has a site up somewhere, but no. Hmmmmm. Interesting.
Suddenly I'm all nervous. Like I used to get a long time ago when something with a guy might actually go somewhere, like a date where I wouldn't have to run and dodge phone calls afterwards.
My male friends accuse me of being too picky. Really. I went out with Paul for two weeks. I wasn't even sure if I liked him that much, but I went out anyway until he opened the door in his robe. I mean, is that picky? Demanding that my dates actually be dressed? (At least early on in the dating process.)
Well, I suppose I have to actually go and do work. I can't just sit here not listening to the phone not ring all evening.
Paint, anyone?

"Sometimes being a whore is the right thing to do." James Pergola (former student)
Yes so I hung with one of my former students on saturday night, which was totally fun. We swapped men suck stories (since he is gay, and can therefore feel a straight woman's pain). I told him about this whole situation with these two guys next door. To make a very long story short, there were these two guys. I was attarcted to both for different reasons: Gerry because he was, let's face it, incredibly gorgeous, and Alex because he was funny and witty and smart and sensitive (but let's just say not conventionally good looking). So anyway, Gerry is about as deep as a petri dish, but for sheer fooling around purposes totally acceptable. But Alex is the guy I really wanted for a boyfriend. What I didn't know is that these guys not only knew each other, but actually live together. So one night I'm fooling around with Gerry in his living room and in walks Alex. And of course I have this, well there goes that possible relationship (not that there even was one, there was just my personal hope that there could even be the idea of a relationship) with Alex. So then after that I was all tortured that I totally screwed up with Alex (when in fact there was nothing going on with Alex to even screw up). So then after that I was like no fooling around with Gerry, bad girl. But of course, I ended up fooling around with Gerry, again. (I'm sorry he's REALLY hot, and he was also really flirting and well there was NOTHING going on with Alex, so what was i actually going to lose?) Well, come to find out after all this self torture that I ruined my shot with Alex, that Alex has a girlfriend. (And my I say not a particularly good looking one as at first I thought she was his mother) So there you go, as my former student James pointed out "See you instinctively did the right thing." Yes, sometimes being a whore IS the right thing to do. (And as Wilford Brimley would say "And the tasty way to do it.")

In other news met an attractive guy (unfortunately an actor) this weekend. And since I don't believe in G-d, or if I did, I don't believe he would take my calls, I need all of you to meditate and pray and burn candles that this guy will pick up the damn phone and call. PLEASE. Just out of curiousity don't you want to know what I will blog when I'm actually happy?

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