Bunniblog

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Welcome Back

It's been a while. About two years to be exact, but here I am again, the Bad Bunni herself. First I owe you an explanation.

Over the years I've received emails from readers asking me that if I ever stop blogging, to continue writing. I always assured them this would never happen. I've always been a writer, even if it was just journal entries.

But then it did.

At first blogging became more and more of a Herculean effort. I had to, in some ways, blackmail myself into doing it. But I kept slogging on. Then my mother's boyfriend died, then my grandmother died, then I failed to get into grad school, and then the idiot I was dating dumped me by text message. All in less than a year. This triggered both a massive suicidal depression, which I am still fighting, and an honest to god existential crisis. I know, it sounds so unbelievably pompous but it happened.

So there I was struggling to just to function, to get up and go to work, and writing fell away. I didn't have the strength to fight to live AND to write. This became part of the depression as well because writing was always something I prided myself on and now it was gone.

In the aftermath of 9/11, I became so depressed I couldn\t read. I couldn't focus long enough to read. It was terrifying because I love reading and I wanted to comfort myself by reading but couldn't. But then I discovered that I COULD read news articles. So I read the newspaper every day. Two months later, I read a novel by spring I could once again enjoy literature without effort.

I bring this up because the same thing happened with my writing. I thought I totally lost it, but this last month I've been writing more. And now I'm writing every day and more importantly it's part of my day I really enjoy rather than thinking its something I have to force myself to do.

Many folks think I should leave this blog and start fresh. I very well might. If I do, I'll post my new address here, but I wanted to explain why, after such a prolific couple of years I suddenly vanished without explanation.

I also wanted to post here because 9/11 was the start of Bunniblog. Oh it took a while for me to actually do it, but Bunniblog really began as a way for me to cope its my life in the aftermath of 9/11. It honestly took me YEARS to realize what I lived through and how it effected me. So here we are 11 years later, and I'm still processing. I'm still brought very low by the events that happened today. And yet, the point of the post is that depression lies. It tells you you have lost something wonderful that will never return, but it does. Or it is replaced by something new and exciting.

Yesterday was Worldwide Suicide Prevention day. As I said earlier, I've been struggling with suicidal depression for over a year. Some days I'm ok. Other days I can't stop thinking about how much I want to die. How little point there is for me to fight to live. But I do. The Bloggess, no stranger to depression herself, posted about it. She encouraged her readers to openly discuss their thoughts and experiences because often people at risk for suicide suffer in silence out of fear. She asked those of us with experiences to share why we were still here to give hope to others. I was going to comment, but realized I had too much to say so I'll say it here.

I'm here because when I've said I'm suicidally depressed my friends and family didn't judge me, but it instead got me the help, support, and medication I needed to recover.

I'm here because I have friends who are willing to drop everything and come over to watch a movie or help me take out the trash.

I'm here because there are a bunch of movies and tv shows that I want to watch and bunch of dishes I want to cook and a bunch of knitting projects I want to finish and books I want to read and places I want to go.

I'm here because my students do need me.

I'm here because my body is stronger than imagined.

I'm here because I am lucky. I have done things that could easily have resulted in my death, yet it did not happen.

Mainly I'm here because of my fatass cat. She's lying at my feet right now. I don't know if she understands this but she saves my life almost daily. I adopted her in October of 2001 mainly because I couldn't stand being alone. She cheers me up every day. Loves to snuggle. She purrs loudly in the morning when I wake up. That's all it takes to make her happy, is for me to be conscious. She makes me laugh with her ridiculousness. And her faces, she has hilarious faces. I can't say how many times I've made myself live because she would be sad without me and she's old now and she doesn't deserve to be abandoned again. I adopted her. I saved her so I can't suddenly stop saving her. Even when she annoys the crap out of me by sitting on papers, it's because she loves me and wants to be near me. And that is special because while I'm not a bad cat mom,I'm not the best one either. But she's devoted to me anyway. While I was typing this she parked her ass on the side of my iPad and began purring away, like she knew. Maybe it's because I'm crying or maybe she wanted to say what I think when I look at her,we saved each other. And it's not pathetic that I was saved by a cat because it's damn hard to find another being that accepts you as you are so if you find it whether it is a cat or a dog or a horse or a person then you should treasure it because you\'re both lucky.

I'm here because of a thousand tiny kindnesses that made me hesitate. Gifts sent from people I've never met. The guy who picked me up when I fell on the ice. Victor the crazy chihuahua guy calling me "Mi Amore!" People I've never met or barely know who made it clear that there is still wonder and beauty and kindness in the world.

I'm here because of the times I've been surprised by people I didn't know who cared. The security guard at a building across the way who apparently watched me walk home from work for months and then asked if I was ok because he was worried about me. The woman who I met once three years ago and just ran into who stopped me to chat. The guy in an office building who took one look at me and said "I know you live at X. I see you all the time!" A random girl seeing me sobbing on street stopping to tell me that everything would be ok. And these moments mean that there are still other people I don't know whose lives would be hurt if I wasn't here.

I'm here because of you. Because I had readers who bothered to read about my ridiculous shenanigans and cared enough about me to say even if you stop blogging, don't stop writing. Because my voice is important.

So thank you. Thank you because you may think stopping by here to read my blog isn't a big deal, but it is to me.

And to anyone who is struggling with depression, \'m here to help. Please feel free to email me. Because you guys have been there for me and saved me so it seems like its only fair I do the same. So go hug someone and I'll be seeing you soon.

Bad Bunni posted at 9/12/2012 03:28:00 PM |