The following is text from an email sent to me by eHarmony. Now, let me ask you something, do you want break up advice from the people who do things like support Focus on Families or do you want break up advice from a woman who has dated roughly half the male population of NYC? Yeah, if there is anything I know how to do it's deal with a break up. My commentary is in italics. Enjoy.
1. Facebook is not your diary. Just because you’re
on an emotional roller coaster doesn’t mean that those ups and downs
should be available for public consumption. Journal in private. Cry with
close friends. Just stay away from your computer when you’re tempted to
chronicle every stage of the breakup. This is good general advice,
but yeah if you're sad and need company, put it on your fb. It's more
important your needs are met than you sit in your room alone crying because heaven forfend SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET SHOULD KNOW.
2. Don’t post sappy breakup songs. Put them on your iPod and go for a jog instead.Who the fuck jogs to sappy songs? Fuck that. GO TO KARAOKE. Put on I Will Survive. If you're thinking ahead, bring a boa. I'll bring the tambourine. Come to think it, if you can, rustle up some gay friends and have a total "break up" themed karaoke night. Sing Cry Me a River and Pink's So What and whatever the hell else makes you feel fabulous and fun. Because you are.
3. Avoid denial. Take down that profile pic with you
as a couple. Don’t post a message on his wall as if you’re still
friends. Remove your relationship status (with as little fanfare as
possible). That's not avoiding denial. You can do all those things
and still hope you will get back together. You shouldn't, but you might. This is more "Deal with the
breakup in a business like fashion." Dissolve your public association. In addition to this I suggest the Big Box of Sad. Put everything he gave you, pictures of you together, whatever things you associate with him into a box. Maybe put it in storage, maybe stow it under your bed. Maybe throw it in the East River. Your choice. I've stowed stuff until I was OK with it and then took it out, I've stowed stuff until I worked through my grief and THEN threw it out, and I've thrown stuff out immediately. Each break up is different and you need to weigh that, but definitely cutting down on remembrances in the immediate aftermath is a good idea. Make the decision quickly, and act swiftly.
4. Resist the Facebook rebound. Don’t post photos of
you with cute members of the opposite sex. Don’t message other exes or
cute single “friends” out of discomfort for your new singleness. If you
catch yourself posting anything that you hope will make your ex jealous,
don’t do it. It’s a transparent move that will only make you look bad. FUCK THAT. Post what you want. If you're out with a hot guy having the
time of your life or you stumble over Aaron Eckhardt and he agrees to
have a pic with you in his lap, POST THE HELL OUT OF IT. When one of my
exes dumped me, three days later I had 2 dates in one day and I posted
it on fb. Not because of him because I was like "Woooooooooooo go me. I forgot I was a hot mama."
And you know what? It drove him nuts. Later that night he was on his
knees in my apartment crying. Didn't make me look bad at all.
5. Don’t post cryptic notes about your ex or your emotional state.
In fact, as a general note, don’t post cryptic notes on Facebook ever.
If you don’t want people to know why you’re sad, don’t insinuate that
you’re blue. I dunno. I tend to think a little mystery is fun. Pretend your life is the Da
Vinci Code if that distracts you for a bit. Plant clues as to which of
your friends is actually the descendent of Jesus.
6. Don’t get friends involved. Don’t comment on wall
posts by any of his/her friends. Don’t force mutual friends to defriend
him in order to stay in your good books. If you have to hide statuses
for a time, do so. Look, here's the thing. Friends are going to be
involved if this was a long term relationship. They are going to feel like they have to choose sides no
matter what. Don't take this to FB but with close mutual friends, sit
down and have a talk about what this means. If you would prefer not to
see your ex for a time at parties etc let them know. In short, be an
7. Don’t betray your ex’s trust. Keep it classy. Repeat this motto: No slander, no revenge posts — ever. Oh
fuck that, fuck that, fuck that. Slander is not the same as betraying
someone's trust especially if they betrayed yours first. Don't slander
or libel people because that's the against the law. Also don't harass or
stalk them for similar reasons. However, if your ex betrayed your trust
by, say, telling secrets of yours to a gossipy friend and now the whole
world knows (Not that I've had that experience *cough*david*cough*),
you have no obligation to keep his/hers. For example if something comes
up in a fb thread and it's relevant for you to disclose that your ex
used to visit hookers while he was married. Have at it. Again, I ONLY
advise this in the case 1 he's already betrayed your trust 2.there is a
natural context for you to make such a disclosure. And by natural context, I mean absolutely every opportunity you can remotely twist into being appropriate for you to mention it.
8. Don’t try to convince him to return, or publicly beg for forgiveness. Of course not. He's the one who should be apologizing while crying and rending his garments.
9. Don’t use statuses and photos to announce that you’re having the best or worst time ever.
Don’t try to make your ex miserable. (Nor should you be assuming that
she/he’s reading your Facebook wall. You shouldn’t be reading his/hers.)
Again, screw that. If you're having a bad day, sometimes you need
commiseration. If you're on a date with David Tennant (which is weird
because he's married, but he played a Time Lord so maybe it's all good)
please tell your friends about your best day ever. Basically, post on
fb like your ex doesn't exist. Because to you he no longer does. Break ups are basically a very personal death. This person has died TO YOU. So hey, post what you want. This is about you and what you want and need to heal.
10. Never admit to Facebook stalking. If you find
yourself checking out his Facebook page, never comment that you’ve been
there. Better yet, don’t check his page. Don’t write a status about the
picture he just posted or the life he’s leading without you. Well
this seems incredibly obvious to me. You should probably block him, if not permanently at least for a short time to give yourself space to heal. If you don't, don't get thrown by what he posts immediately post break up.
I once had a boyfriend tell me in the aftermath of a break up (the first serious relationship I ended) that he was actually ok with it because he wasn't that into me anymore. It hurt, but you know what? It was like 8 years before he got another serious girlfriend so you know don't believe the hype. Give it time. Eventually he'll get his epic karmic bitchslap and by
that time you'll be canoodling with some other hot twit. That's the great thing about people. No matter how many you date, there are still more out there for you find.