If Romeo and Juliet had been written today, Juliet might have mused on her FB page:

What’s in a dating screenname? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So RomeoMontague1570 would, were he not RomeoMontague1570 call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes	50
Without that screenname.

Obviously one of the first way I can judge a potential cyber suitor is by their screenname. For example, this morning, I received an IM from CaptAmerica. Needless to say, it's very exciting to get a message from a name that invokes such an iconic presence. Unfortunately, the message I received "Hi. How are you?" Talk about a huge let down! If you give yourself a screenname like that, you're setting a very high bar for yourself. I'm EXPECTING someone who will blow my panties off with the power of a single message.

There are plenty of ways to capture your spirit without engineering a surefire disappointment. For example, my online screenname isn't JessicaRabbit because DAMN is that a bad idea for any number of reasons. The point is, much like when you select a holy grail, pick your screenname WISELY.

Labels: cyber dating, date, dating, online dating, screennames

So I'm internet dating again and as such I have a terrible stories to share.  But this is just going to be a little warm up to remind you of what is out there in wide world of internet dating.

Two weeks ago I joined OKCupid because my friend VideoGeek insisted I get back into dating and my other friend Semmelweiss found her husband to be there. I put up a profile, answered some questions, and the men started messaging me. Many of the come ons are pretty pedestrian-telling me I'm beautiful, great eyes, nice smile, seem like a cool chick. Nothing spectacular until I received the following. This is what I received word for word.

No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided I want to wrap your legs around my forehead and wear you like the crown you are my lady :P (what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your skin looks like it is crafted with Aphrodite's DNA). Oh forgot to introduce you to myself (got busy wearing pool floaties so I wouldnt drown in your beauty) I am Faraz and I am just a little bit more awesome than kim kardashian's butt(needless to say I am a mean twerker)...Lets have a cup of something delicious and some beyond fantastic conversations which would include but not limited to robbery, horror movies and diet coke! If you can handle it, that is. :D  

Now, let's take this a part a little bit at a time.

No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided I want to wrap your legs around my forehead and wear you like the crown

So apparently I am an accessory to be worn to indicate his accomplishment. This is reinforced by the fact that he and he alone decides to use me in this fashion. My desire is irrelevant. Which is good because already I want to rip this guy's spine out of his body and wear it as a sash.

 you are my lady

Oh, am I? So after being reduced to a mere object NOW I've been elevated to a human being, albeit one who belongs to you, even though you still haven't bothered to ask for consent. 

 :P


Included to indicate he's joking so if I object I can be relegated to one of those humorless feminists who take everything too seriously. 

(what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your skin looks like it is crafted with Aphrodite's DNA).

Am I the only person who got a "Buffalo Bill" vibe from this question?

Oh forgot to introduce you to myself (got busy wearing pool floaties so I wouldnt drown in your beauty)

That is not all he forgot.

I am Faraz and I am just a little bit more awesome than kim kardashian's butt(needless to say I am a mean twerker)

Needless to say there are few sentences that are more terrifying in the English language. 

Lets have a cup of something delicious and some beyond fantastic conversations which would include but not limited to robbery, horror movies and diet coke!   

Diet coke because I'm chick, right? That's all we drink or so does this basement dwelling, never probably talked to a real woman think.

  If you can handle it, that is. :D  

My little misguided lotus blossom, there are so very many things I can handle.But just because I CAN handle them doesn't mean I should. Like I could probably get some protective gear and handle some sewer rats. But I'm not gonna. You fall into sewer rat territory. 

Much like Remo Williams, the adventure begins. Gird your loins. 
 

Labels: cyber dating, dating, online dating

I suspect this is more an outgrowth of online culture, and yet the last two experiences where a man has insulted me, it was in person. Both times it was a potential romantic prospect who, begin to behave in a way I found questionable, decided it was OK then to call me a fat cunt or a pathetic cynical twat. Now part of this may be the difference between how men and women are conditioned growing up and social norms in terms of rejection. The guy who I dated for three years and broke up with me by text message, yup I called him an asshole and I pretty much stand by that statement. On the other hand, that guy with no social iq? Even after how insulting he was to me the worst thing I did was imply he was a creep and say he had a fragile ego. Not the same as calling a woman a cunt.

The reason I bring this up is more than once after such an insult a man has actually tried to ask me out again. THIS WILL NEVER WORK. I don't care where you want to take me, it's not happening. Ever. Not just because of self esteem, but because your behavior set off warning bells. Here's how it works.

If you insult me early on (in both recent cases it was after a first date), I don't have much other data about you. Let's put it like this: I have maybe 5 points of data about you, and one of those points is very negative. I know you're thinking "Well that means you should get to know me better."

No, it doesn't.

As a woman, one thing I think about to the point of it being reflex is "Is this person dangerous?" or put another way, are you Shrodinger's Rapist? After all, date rape being so prevalent (far more common than "stranger danger"), I am on the look out for warning signs. The big warning signs include inability to respect boundaries and impulse control issues (including temper). Even if those behaviors don't mean the person is a rapist, it certainly indicates there are some other huge potentially dangerous issues. After all, when we first meet someone to establish a relationship,  even if it is only a friendship, we are often on our best behavior. If, very early on, a person demonstrates very low social iq as well as anger management problems, he might not be a rapist. He might JUST be abusive or severely emotionally stunted. Either way, the behavior signals to me that the probability of this person being at the very least an emotionally unhealthy partner and the very worst a physically violent rapist is significantly higher than average. Therefore, I'm not going to waste more time getting to know him. I'm going to chuck him into the reject pile and keep going.

Basically, here's the short short version. If a woman (or man) rejects you early on, insulting them to their face only confirms that he/she is correct to reject you. You're confirming his/her suspicion that you are not a wise romantic choice. If you do make the mistake of letting your anger get the best of you, you can't turn back the clock especially with some kinds of insults. Once you call me a fat cunt, there is no chance, none, I will ever go out with you. Ever. So if you're angry in the moment, find some other way to express it because if you try to ask me out after insulting me like that, all you're doing is showing me why you're still single: namely you don't have a clue about how to talk to women and I'm not going to take the time to teach you.

Labels: advice, asshats, cyber dating, dating, insults, online dating

Labels: break up, breaking up, date, dating, dave, david, eHarmony, facebook, heartbreak, heartbreak loss, online dating

I want to start this out by saying that I thought until Saturday the things I'm about to tell you are such common sense that even 11 year old Amish children know not to do them on dates. And yet. Never underestimate how 1 amazingly clueless people can be 2 those people will also find me. Not necessarily find me, but I'm more forgiving than most because I know how much more competitive it is to date in NYC is especially once you get to a certain age. Dating when I was 26 was not a problem.

I'm 37. (I want to say "No, I'm not." But yes, yes I am. I may not LOOK 37 but I am in reality 37 years old.)

I digress.

So, this person chatting me up by email seemed like a decent person and so we moved to text messaging. And here began what should have been warning signs. The guy was CONSTANTLY texting me. This steady stream of really eager to please and amuse texts that did nothing but make me think 1 this dude is desperate and 2 he doesn't date much.

What should have been the kiss of death is when he asked me by text if any of the photos on my profile were doctored. I replied that they weren't because...well they aren't. His response? "Oh because, and I'm sure you know this, you have really nice knockers."

Now I know from the word choice this was an attempt at a humorous compliment. It made me want to punch him in the cock. One thing I truly hate is men asking or complimenting me on my breasts early on. Where you all raised in a Hooters? Seriously. I know I have the body of a pin-up model. And yes, there are times it's appropriate to compliment me. First meeting? No. Before the first meeting? No. Sure you compliment my appearance, but don't go into sexyland straight away.

The reason why this comment didn't get him fired is he offered to take me to dinner at Po, a Mario Batali restaurant in the Village. For some choice vittles, I'm willing to forgive a crass statement. Still the text messages, which seemed increasingly shrill and desperate, worried me.

When I met him on the date it was clear he didn't really understand where to take a date. We met at a kind of Irishy sports place downtown to "Get to know each other." He, almost immediately, unasked told me intimate details about his relationship with his ex-girlfriend including such stellar details as "She was more into me" and "she wasn't always clean in certain places, which wasn't pleasant."

YES HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT.

Let me take a moment to address the ex-girlfriend issue. If you're like me and dated roughly half the male population of NYC, it's hard not to mention ex-boyfriends. And yet I don't. The only time I mention an ex-boyfriend on a first date is if specifically asked a question like "Why did your ex dump you?" (Which you shouldn't ask but people do.) But even if an ex-boyfriend story slips, there are two things you don't do 1. talk negatively about your ex 2. talk about him or her intimately. First off you don't talk about their sex life or hygiene or whatever because ewwww I don't know this person and I don't need to know that. Second, being intimate with someone makes one vulnerable. Even if there is no love. Even if it's a friends with benefits deal. There's still a vulnerability there that deserves to be respected. No woman, or hopefully man, wants to be with someone who would so cavalierly mock a lover particularly a long term one. Not to mention,what the hell does that say about your self-esteem?

I told him, point blank, that he should never talk about me that way. He didn't seem upset by the comment, but I don't know if he heard me either. I don't think he quite got it.

For dinner, he chose the exceptionally small, crowded, and loud Po, which had wonderful food, but was not a good getting to know you place. Another indication of his low social IQ, but even more worrying was his statement half way through the meal "Either you're hanging on my every word or you're drugged." This was the height of the dinner crush at Po and I just didn't feel like yelling casual conversation. At that point I knitted my eyebrows and explained that if I tried to casually converse in that din I wouldn't have a voice. A few minutes later he made the same admission it was too loud. OK genius if it was too loud, then why the accusation? When I tried to explain I had an analytical mind that looks for patterns he responded "Oh you mean like OCD." NO NOT LIKE OCD AT ALL. OCD is about trying to impose order on a disordered universe. Being analytical is looking for patterns that actually exist and figuring out what they mean. In other words, it's called BEING SMART ASSHAT.

He also shared with me stories about two previous dates that week. The first one, a week back, he took to Red Lobster. After which, they went back to his car, she took his cock out, but then refused to go with him to a hotel.

YES HE TOLD ME THIS.

The second date, the night before, he took to Gray's Papaya because "That's where she wanted to go."

Whether your date takes your cock or not, recent dates are also not appropriate topic for first dates. But yeah, telling me about your post Red Lobster crotch fest is definitely right.fucking.out.

At this point, I.was.done. After dinner, we walked to yet another crowded cheap dessert place. We sat outside and by this time I was done with it.He made yet another negative comment and I replied " You do really like to pathologize all my responses to you." At which point, I brought up that he had called me mentally ill and accused me of drug use. I totally flattened my affect. My face and voice gave no indication of any emotion, either pleased or pained. Suddenly he felt "Uncomfortable." I told him it was interesting that someone who was so comfortable being negative about others had such a low discomfort threshold himself. After all, he spent most of the night talking, and what little he said to me was not complimentary (although I don't think he thought of it as insulting). In fact, when he tried to get me to talk about myself he could not come up with ONE QUESTION to ask me. NOT ONE. He basically just said "Tell me about yourself." I asked him what he wanted to know and he simply repeated the question. He actually couldn't come up with a question because the only thing I'd really said about myself was to talk about my job early in one. His response? "You seem really passionate about that. Let's change the subject."

I'M SORRY WHAT?

Showing interest in things IS GOOD. If someone is passionate about their job and you don't feel anything say something neutral like "I wish I enjoyed my job that much" or "It must be wonderful to be that motivated/involved in your career." It's not trying to solve cold fusion people. It's basic manners. Basic.

Finally, he couldn't handle being uncomfortable and wanted to end the date without waiting for us to order dessert at which point I got up. He went to walk to me a cab at which point I told him in no uncertain terms I did not WANT him too. I stalked off to a cab.

Later that night I got this text message, "I would not feel right if I went to bed tonight without saying this; I had a very nice time with you! I just think that your intellect maybe just go [sic] the better of me! It was really awkward for me! I really cannot let you think I'm a total creep! I did not want you to get up and walk away unescorted! I am sorry! Good night, and I hope you find a more compatible person to be with!" Now first of all no one, not even 14 year old girls who are still upset with Kristen Stewart on behalf of Robert Pattinson use that many exclamation points in a single text. I explained to him that I didn't think he was a creep, just someone with very low social IQ who has no idea what he sounds like to the outside world. I further informed him that I DID NOT WANT TO BE ESCORTED, which I made clear. No apologies for actually respecting my wishes, but lastly I didn't accept his apology because I believe it was motivated by his discomfort and not any genuine concern with my upset as his apology in no way addressed the topics it should have. That, of course, was confirmed by the response to text. Finally, I was reduced to texting him this. "Stop texting me. Just stop."

The response? "Out!"

All I can say is I've never been out with a 14 year old girl before, but I bet they are less annoying and fragile than that dude.

Labels: dating, idiocy, idiots, online dating

So last week, I got my hair done. As always dealing with gay hairdresser left me feeling fabulous and sexy and I wanted to go out that night. So I proceeded to text every person I know in NYC.

Everyone was busy. Sigh.

In light of this, I decided to go to dinner at this tavern by where I live. I often having working dinners at the bar as many other people do. The regulars have a kind of loose community there so even if I'm there alone, it's likely someone I know will be there and at least there will be some pleasant chat. So I'm sitting at the bar enjoying a salad when this guy proceeds to hit on me with subtly of a water buffalo. I don't mean he was crass, but from the moment he walked in he focused only on me. Which I found kinda weird because there lots of attractive single women around, but he was decent looking and pleasant to talk to so, hey. Not bad. We shared an order of dessert and he walked me home. I admit at the doorstep there was some canoodling, he took my number, and walked away. I firmly expected never to hear from him again.

Last Friday night my phone rings. I was in the middle of watching this hilarious horror zombie road trip rom com type deal planning on having an early night and hitting the farmer's market in the morning. But this guy called and asked if maybe I would like to meet him for dessert and I thought to myself, "It's Friday night. You have no other plans this weekend. If you don't go meet this guy, tomorrow night you'll be lonely and whiny." So I said "Give me 20 minutes to freshen up and I'll be there." Exactly 20 minutes later, I walked into the tavern where we met.

It was unexpectedly dead.There were literally only 6 people at the bar-a group of 3, a group of 2, and a single man near the end of the bar. I figured the single man was my target until as I walked by the group of three my "date" turned around.

Part of the reason why I had ignored the group of three was this: it was composed of 2 girls and a guy and one of the girls seemed very friendly with the guy. Basically not the scenario I was expecting. The girls seemed put off by my presence and didn't acknowledge me at first, instead trying to draw my dates attention by asking him questions. When it became clear this tactic wasn't going to work, they shifted and began talking to me-where was I from, what did I do. The "friendly" girl revealed unprompted that she was a Columbia grad and her friend a Harvard grad. So now the name of the game was intellectual intimidation, which didn't work either. Partly because I'm well educated myself and partly because having worked at some reputable institutions of higher education, I know you can be brilliantly book smart and still have the functional intelligence of a brain damaged grape.

So basically I knew from the moment I walked in no matter how this played out, I was walking home alone that night. What happened next was, admittedly, surprising.

Friendly girl turns to me and says, point blank, "Is this your boyfriend?" Which I say "No." I mean, honestly, this was technically our first date so no, no he wasn't. She then turns to my "date" and says "I'd like to ask you out on a date. Nothing fancy, just a casual dinner and drinks." Uncomfortable silence. "I'm sorry I'm just sick of waiting for guys to ask me out."

Now my "date" could have, before I arrived, pawed off these girls by saying he was waiting for someone. He didn't. So I knew from second one he was off the list. You invite me out and 20 minutes later you're ensconced in conversation with 2 women and you haven't mentioned that you invited a woman to join you? You're fired. But you're fired out of a cannon when a woman makes a play like that and your response is basically to smile and not answer. The correct response is to politely decline and indicate that you're already with someone ( ie me).

At this point I began to laugh to myself that only this shit happens to me. The other girl, silent and serious, walked up my date and whispered something to him very intensely before walking to the bathroom. I look at him. "She's a philosopher. She told me that you can only focus on this moment and to remember everything. You have to admit it's deep." Maybe to a puddle, but not to my mind. The serious girl returned only to announce she was leaving. Apparently she had received a booty call (or intelligently had gone to the bathroom in order to fake one) leaving me with friendly girl.

At this point, my date began asking to go back to my apartment. Under no circumstances was THAT happening. Standards, I has them. If he had been upfront with friendly girl, I would have considered some kissing on the couch, but as it was it seemed like he wanted to save her for a rainy day and enjoy me while the weather was lovely. I explained that I had been indoors all day and was enjoying my tea. After all, it was actually not that late so why not enjoy a little of the nightlife in NYC?

He put to me again that he wanted to go back to my place a few times and I, again, explained that I wanted to finish my pot of tea in a leisurely manner. After these few exchanges, friendly girl got even more flirty and aggressive. Because I'm me, and I already knew what my outcome was for the evening, I really didn't care. I was now involved in the situation as a writer, not a social entity. I just wanted to see what would happen.

Friendly girl puts out that she would invite my date back to her place except that she has a friend staying on her couch and she lives in a studio so they wouldn't have privacy. Cue my date asking if all of us can go back to my place and "just watch a movie." I say no. He asks a few more times specifying that "There will no sex, no funny stuff." I explain I have a small one bedroom apartment. I only have room for two people to watch a movie. No joke. He keeps pushing. At first I thought it was funny and predictable, but then I started getting genuinely angry. The 12th time I said no in 3 minutes, I was not amused. He went to the bathroom at which point friendly girl said she would gladly bring liquor and drugs over to my place if I could host.

And this is where I lost it.

I said, "Let me get this straight. You're asking me if you can bribe me to come back with you and the guy who called me and asked me to come out tonight so you can fuck him in my bed." She kind of jerked back and than said, "I'm only asking this once. If the answer is no I won't ask again."

People, you can not write this kind of comedy. You have to have truly fucked up karma as well as a morbid sense of curiousity and just let it wash over you.

So I said, "No." At this point, I received a text from a male friend downtown. He's served as a white knight for me on more than one occasion so I explained that I might need his presence to help me out. As we texted, I turned away from them as they began discussion my lack of cooperation and alternative plans. Ten minutes later, without saying anything, they both left. The barrista came up and asked what happened to my friends. I smiled at her and said I only knew the one guy and not well at that. She looked at the door and then leaned into me, "He won't be the same after spending the night with her" gave me a pointed look and walked away.

I had one more cup of tea by myself and walked home. I curled up with my cat and watched the end of the movie which ended with the hero predictably getting the girl, even though he was dead and his arm kept falling off. Considering the men of nyc, I'd gladly deal with that as long as they had something vaguely resembling decency and did actually care for me.

Labels: dating, idiots

Labels: boyfriend troubles, boys, dating, drama

http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/2007/10/name-greg-locat.html


The above links to a question posed by a woman who is having trouble with internet dating. While Moxie offers advice about how to be competitive and showcase herself on online dating sites, my whole take on internet dating is that it really isn't worth the effort.



I've tried online dating hoping to find a better or at least different caliber of man. And what I found was more annoyance than it was worth. Sure I was a popular girl on these sites, as one can imagine, and perhaps that was part of the problem. I would get emails from men in Japan and Turkey, but their profiles would reveal they were looking for a "casual" relationship. Many of the men who responded, I'm sure, didn't even look at my profile. One man sent me a personalized email, which I thought rather witty. When I responded, the email I got back was, "I just looked at your profile again and see that you are 4 ft 10 inches tall. I think that's too short for me. Does that make me shallow?" I couldn't believe he would even write back to say that. If he failed to respond, it would have been more polite (I would have assumed he found a more interesting girl). Of the men who were worthy of response there were still other problems. Many men lied about their appearances and submitted old photographs, and the medium of email allowed them to hide a variety of problems from agoraphobia to philandering and every issue in between. Added up, the time and effort of writing a profile and sorting through emails not to mention so many horrible or even just so so dates made it completely not worth the effort.


I've honestly found picking up men in bars to be a better way to meet men. Not just more of them, but sadly, an overall better quality of man. First off you know right away what the guy looks like. Second email and IM make it easy to hide issues that might be easily revealed with a few dates. Third having liquor on hand, well, it makes any man seem just a little bit better. Plus you can find out right away if the guy is utterly cheap (won't offer to pay for a drink) or if he can at least play the gentleman for an hour or two. (While I don't buy into a lot of old fashioned ways, I do believe that if a man offers to pay for a drink it reveals something about his character. Once a relationship is developed then I'm all about going dutch.)

I do understand that living in NY colors my opinion since in other towns and even cities, it isn't as easy to meet other people, but still I would say you are better off going to places like Meetup.com or going to large events and mingling than trying to "sell" yourself on a dating site.

Anyone out there want to share their online dating stories?

Labels: dating, online dating

So metafilter has finally written about this so I can come out of the closet and admit it. I watch the Pick Up Artist.

I know I know it's shocking to believe that I who spend many up curled up with Dante and Flaubert would waste my time watching this, but well. Let me explain.

When I was in college, I was friends with a guy named Dave. Dave was a benevolent doofus. He wasn't smart, charming, funny, attractive, talented or rich and so even though Dave was a benevolent doofus, he didn't do well with girls. Add to the fact that Dave hit on every woman who stood still next to him long enough and did it in a really "Wow, look at how long I've been hanging out in my mother's basement playin' D and D'" kind of way and you can understand why Dave had trouble getting a girl.

Dave had a childhood friend named Colin. Colin had waist long hair and that olive complexion that has just a touch of the exotic to it. He changed his name to Amadeus or 'deus for short. 'Deus was a ladies man, and when he came to visit I finally had the chance to witness it in person. Dave's girlfriend, Vicky, a dance major who had a great body but the intelligence of a bag of hammers, fell for him. They spent the weekend in bed together. I know because I was her roommate. Anyway, 'Deus would often call for her and if she wasn't home proceed to hit on me. I personally found him fairly disgusting even before he slept with his friend's girl, but after I wanted to shower even after talking to him on the phone. (Vicky got her just desserts when 'Deus bedded one of her friends in her bed, while she sat in the living room tearfully. Dave broke up with her and now seems to have a lovely girl.)

What amazed me was how much the long hair and the silly name worked on chicks. When I saw Mystery of the Pick Up Artist, I thought "My god, it's the same plan." So I wanted to see how this might actually work on women since it didn't work on me at all.

I have to admit I'm still at a loss for the most part (how does one dress like Orville Wright as envisioned by Willy Wonka and still pick up chicks?), but he has some moments. Mystery teaches his little dorklets "sets" and openers" like "Do you floss before or after you brush your teeth?" or "If a girl with a boyfriend kisses another girl is it cheating?" What's interesting about these sets is they begin with a question that does have a conclusion written into, thus placing the focus on the other person and allowing an open response.

Now while I don't agree with sets, and most of them especially the flossing question seem ridiculous to me, the asking of questions is a brilliant lead-in. Often men begin talking to me by asking me what I'm reading. This is a great opener because it shows interest in what I'm doing without judgement (ie "Why are you reading the Inferno? Isn't that boring?"). The conversation can then move on from there.

I was reminded while reading the metafilter comments of a conversation that the Doberman told me about a long time ago. A male regular at the Lion's Den had been rejected by a girl. He bemoaned how he spent so much time trying to get her engaged by talking about various topics that he was interested in or deemed important. He extolled his past as a playwright and talked about his time abroad. However, she rejected him. His male cronies all ponied up stories of attempting to sweettalk women and failing miserably. Art, travel, politics, movies it seemed these women just weren't impressed by any of these vastly important topics. Essentially the discussion came down to "What's wrong with this women that they aren't totally floored by my vast knowledge of these essential topics?" Finally the Doberman walked by. One of the cronies said, "Hey Doberman, you've got a girlfriend. What do you talk about to impress a girl into a date?"

And the Doberman said, "Whatever she wants to talk about."

It's a brilliantly simple lesson and yet it seems that there are many men who have yet to learn that basic idea.

Maybe we can get him a TV show. "How to talk politics and get a girlfriend with your host the Doberman." But the minute he starts wearing eyeliner, I'm gonna pretend I've never heard of the guy.

Labels: dating, the pick up artist

I know in the past here we have kidded around with having a dating Bunni application (which I think I need to reinstate including such questions as "What would most effectively describe your attitude towards watching a film with subtitles? A. That's OK as long as there is some hot sex scene during which I can rest my brain B Movies are supposed to be light entertainment, not a reading comprehension quiz C Uh, you think I can read? Wow, that's cool.") I have received courtesy of MySpace a Valentine Application which I have been requested to fill out.

I dunno, but to me it seems like something only slightly LESS exciting than filing my taxes. My personal favorite question, "Have you ever broken my heart?" Um, well if you didn't notice, probably not. I have decided to "make my own" Valentine Application. Feel free to have fun with the format.

This is the " Valentine Application."

Everyone knows there's at least one person on myspace that you want to be your Valentine. Here's the application for that special someone. Let's see who replies back with the following filled out.

Area 1:
Please provide positive answers.
Name:
Age:
Phone:
Height:
Do you Drive:
State You Live In:
May I Call You:
Single or Taken:
Would You Date Me:
Kiss On First Date:
Will You Send This Back To Me?:

Area 2:
What would you do if I...
I made a move on u:
I kissed you:
I lived next door to you:
I started smoking:
I asked you on a date:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got into a fight and you weren't there?
I asked u out?

Area 3:
What do you think about my...
Personality:
Eyes:
Hair:
Body:

Area 4:
Have you ever....
Lied to make me feel better?
Wanted to kiss me?
Wanted to kill me?
Broke my heart?
Kept something important from me?

Area 5:
"X" marks the spot
[ ]Kiss me..
[ ]Hug me..
[ ]Date me..
[ ]grab my ass..
[ ]Kill me..
[ ]fuck me ...
[ ]Love me..
[ ]Hate me..
[ ]Hold me..
[ ]Lie to me..
[ ]Hurt me..
[ ]Sing with me..
[ ]Dance with me..
[ ]Grind with me..
[ ]Cuddle with me..
[ ]Let me make a move on you..
[ ]Make a move on me..
[ ]Watch a movie with me..
[ ]Get me a B-day gift..
[ ]Let me borrow your car..
[ ]Be there for me..
[ ]Buy me a drink..
[ ]Bring me around your friends..
[ ]Give me a massage..
[ ]Drink kool-aid with me..
[ ]Take advantage of me..
[ ]Hangout with me...
[ ]Take care of me if I wasn't feeling good..
[ ]Hold hands with me..
[ ]Do something incredibly sweet for me..
[ ]tell me you love me

Area 2:
What would you do if I...
quoted an obscure 12th Century text:
did an interpretive dance about my feelings:
set fire to my place of employment and ran:
called you at 2 am and asked you to get pink bunny peeps:
asked if you wanted to see a movie with subtitles:

introduced you to an attractive friend of mine:
edited your Ph. D thesis:

gave you my phone number:

sought the aid of a life coach:

Area 3:
What do you think about my...
cat:
therapist:
alibi:

Labels: application, dating, valentine

So last week I met a pornographer. Ok well a guy who owns to two pay per view adult channels. Decent guy. The type of guy who if you didn't know what he did for a living you'd think would be working at some tech company developing the next wave in entertainment. His glasses are more geek sheik than hustler.

Last night he calls me and asks me out for a drink. I have to grade like a lunatic, and I know I'll want a drink afertwards especially since I can't hang out in my apartment while it's being painted so I have taken to grading in bars. (I only drink soda WHILE grading and only drink after I'm done. No really.) So we figure out time and place of rendez-vous and then I go off to grade like a lunatic. A few minutes later I get a text from him, "Would you like any free porn from our library?"

I'm sure the boy posse will be putting in their orders later today.

Labels: dating, pornography