Hello Again: Anatomy of an Online Come On
So I'm internet dating again and as such I have a terrible stories to share.  But this is just going to be a little warm up to remind you of what is out there in wide world of internet dating.

Two weeks ago I joined OKCupid because my friend VideoGeek insisted I get back into dating and my other friend Semmelweiss found her husband to be there. I put up a profile, answered some questions, and the men started messaging me. Many of the come ons are pretty pedestrian-telling me I'm beautiful, great eyes, nice smile, seem like a cool chick. Nothing spectacular until I received the following. This is what I received word for word.

No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided I want to wrap your legs around my forehead and wear you like the crown you are my lady :P (what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your skin looks like it is crafted with Aphrodite's DNA). Oh forgot to introduce you to myself (got busy wearing pool floaties so I wouldnt drown in your beauty) I am Faraz and I am just a little bit more awesome than kim kardashian's butt(needless to say I am a mean twerker)...Lets have a cup of something delicious and some beyond fantastic conversations which would include but not limited to robbery, horror movies and diet coke! If you can handle it, that is. :D  

Now, let's take this a part a little bit at a time.

No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided I want to wrap your legs around my forehead and wear you like the crown

So apparently I am an accessory to be worn to indicate his accomplishment. This is reinforced by the fact that he and he alone decides to use me in this fashion. My desire is irrelevant. Which is good because already I want to rip this guy's spine out of his body and wear it as a sash.

 you are my lady

Oh, am I? So after being reduced to a mere object NOW I've been elevated to a human being, albeit one who belongs to you, even though you still haven't bothered to ask for consent. 

 :P


Included to indicate he's joking so if I object I can be relegated to one of those humorless feminists who take everything too seriously. 

(what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your skin looks like it is crafted with Aphrodite's DNA).

Am I the only person who got a "Buffalo Bill" vibe from this question?

Oh forgot to introduce you to myself (got busy wearing pool floaties so I wouldnt drown in your beauty)

That is not all he forgot.

I am Faraz and I am just a little bit more awesome than kim kardashian's butt(needless to say I am a mean twerker)

Needless to say there are few sentences that are more terrifying in the English language. 

Lets have a cup of something delicious and some beyond fantastic conversations which would include but not limited to robbery, horror movies and diet coke!   

Diet coke because I'm chick, right? That's all we drink or so does this basement dwelling, never probably talked to a real woman think.

  If you can handle it, that is. :D  

My little misguided lotus blossom, there are so very many things I can handle.But just because I CAN handle them doesn't mean I should. Like I could probably get some protective gear and handle some sewer rats. But I'm not gonna. You fall into sewer rat territory. 

Much like Remo Williams, the adventure begins. Gird your loins. 
 



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