I said I would write about my vanishing act before I go back to the Frehel Diaries. The last two weeks I have been fighting that horrible black depression of mine topped occasionally with physical troubles. Last week my arthritis was so bad, I could barely make it up the subway stairs to get home from work. I'm 33 years old and unmarried. The odds of me finding a husband in this condition is none to none. And if you think that my oh so rewarding teacher is going to keep me from topping myself, a brief look over the work my classes hand in is more likely to make me feel like dying than living.

When I get in these moods, truly black depressions filled with the desire to kill myself or others, I tend to vanish. I don't return phone calls or emails. I avoid contact. Some times for months. Friends take it personally. I get calls and emails inquiring if they have offended or if I'm still alive. I assure them as it's not them, it's not personal. My vanishing acts are, if anything, an attempt to protect those close to me. In these moods, I tend to have uncharitable thoughts about everyone, and avoid others lest in my darkest moods I utter some of these unutterable thoughts.

I wish I had some great thoughts on this, some beautiful piece of literature to offer. All I can say is that when I vanish it's not that you have driven me away, but it's my fear of doing something to drive you away.

Labels: avoidance, depression

"If you can look at yourself and laugh, you aren't as bad off as you think." Pere Lapin

I really don't have the time to post, but this issue has really hit me the last few days. I was going to post about my vanishing act, and how people take it personally, but that will just have to wait.

In the last two days, 3 people have taken throw away comments from me far too seriously. Joe Flirt wrote a post about one of my claims over at his blog. I wrote a little comment and made the mistake of finishing it with "But then again, I’ve always been fairly proud of being a bad girl."

EPIC MISTAKE.

I once wrote the worst mistake of your life will seem like a good idea at the time. I should have written the worst mistake of your life will be a throw away comment you barely remember making.

And what ensued demonstrated that some people need to take things just a little more lightly. One reader seemed to react with my claim with some intensity. Her response was downright rude, but knowing what causes is a troll is often a very personal reaction to benign comment, I responded to her question politely and made it clear that in no way was my claim meant to insult anyone. How did she respond?

It pissed me off because wearing the ‘bad’ badge with pride pisses with off. Dunno why. Just does. I think it’s that attitude that “I’m a bad, naughty girl and I just love sex” thing - seems so passe (accent acute on the ‘e’ there), so old hat, and so very much over-used. Old. But probably more than that I feel I it’s the misuse of the word ‘bad’ basically.

Yep, I'm polite and I'm told that my attitude is passe, over used, and old even though she can't come up with a real reason WHY it upsets her so much. Then another reader jumped on the bandwagon with:
“Bad” has connotations of it’s own, that go far beyond “bad girl” or bad whatever. You might use a more positive word like “different” “rebellious” “unique” “bohemian” “unconventional” — these all imply similar things to the what you seem to give as examples of your “badness” but do so with a positive spin, an empowering one if you ask me. I’ve always referred to myself as “unconventional” or “non-traditional” — and I certainly fit a lot of the description the way Bunni talks about herself and her choices. Perhaps not to the same degree, and perhaps not as overtly now that I’m an almost 41 married woman. But I think — as Joe can attest — I’ve lived a pretty “bad” life, as Bunni would call it. I just choose not to refer to my own choices in such pejorative terms. Perhaps, Bunni, you might ask yourself why you do that.

Ah yes, it couldn't be because I used bad BECAUSE of its specific connotation. There veiled at the end is the cliche that I need to think about why I would do this with the clear implication being "If you really enjoy your life so much, why use a negative word?"

All for one throw away comment for the love of christ. Why not think about why that one half comment matters more than THE WHOLE FREAKIN POST JOE WROTE?

And then I get hit by the troll on my last post, who can't handle a throw away comment about the French hating Americans and Starbucks.

JESUS H CHRIST ON A FUCKING CRUTCH PEOPLE.

Watch some Scrubs, Patton Oswald, Blackadder, Kathy Griffin, MST3K, Dana Gould, Monty Python, Ben Stiller, The Young Ones...or as Eddie Murphy said "Have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up" at least until you can lighten up a bit. Because if you can't say something nice, AT LEAST say something funny.