Ok so yesterday was wierd. First, I called this guy that I'm kind of seeing in a way maybe. Ok I don't know what is going on with him. I met him about three months ago and we see each other about once a week for what I call conversation and sex. (Usually more sex). It started off like it could have been going in a relationship direction. Like we went out to dinner and stuff, but then it trailed off mainly into us hanging out at my place or his. In my mind I have a nickname for him, the beast, although he is closer probably to a werewolf. I remember the first time we went out, he was utterly laid back. At the end of the date we were sitting on this park bench looking at the river. I was actually beginning to wonder if he was attracted to me because he hadn't even put an arm around me. We talked about a lot of different things. What it is like to watch your friends just give up on themselves and resgin themselves to awful lives. And then suddenly he attacked me. I don't mean it in a bad way. It was just all of the sudden he was not only kissing me, but was totally wrapped up around me. It was like 0-60. Laid back guy all of the sudden in passionate embrace. But I really don't know where we are in terms of how he thinks of me. Am I his grilfriend? Am I just some chick he likes to screw around with? I haven't a damn clue.
Last night we talked on the phone for a long time while he was in the lab. It's strange. Apparently when he was 23 he was engaged and had a house and the whole thing. He is just so detached from the world outside his lab, I couldn't see him like that. We talked about it for a bit, what happened, why he left. I guess I thought he was always this detached and yesterday I found out, to some degree, his detachment is a choice. He consciously rejects, at least for now, the whole "normal life" plan (marry, house, kids) and yet he talks about wanting those things sometime in the future. This is a difference between us. I want it, but I don't seem capable of finding it. My friend Ty keeps asking me if I could see myself married to the Beast. I told him I don't even know if I'm this guy's grilfriend, how the hell am I suppose to know if I want to marry the guy? And besides the answer should be no because I always said I wouldn't marry a doctor. I remember what life was like with my father, an orthopedic surgeon, and I never want to repeat that experience. I don't want to be second to someone's job. And with the beast that's exactly what would happen. By his own admission the lab is basically the majority of his world, the one thing he is truly passionate about. I don't want to come in second to a tray full of protein samples. I already have enough self esteem problems.
Well that was the first part of the evening, I find that I don't have the strength to report the second part of my evening so you will all just have to deal with the suspense until tomorrow.

The migraine continues although I had the "good class" today. I should put in more of an entry, but the screen hurts my eyes. You shall have to wait until tomorrow for more pearls of wisdom.
To distract I offer you the film "Audrey Rose" which is currently playing on AMC. It's actually pretty good. I have to admit I've been questioning some of AMC's choices -Robocop? Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? Short Circuit? Have I really lived so long that Ally Sheedy is really being put in the same class as Audrey Hepburn? And does anyone really want to see Short Circuit? I can't imagine that anyone from my generation wants to revisit that film, and I know the next generation has no great desire to see a steve gutenberg movie. (Of course, they don't know who he is, but they don't want to see anything that's more than five minutes old.) I really wish I didn't have this migraine, poltergeist and the exorcist are coming up soon.

I apologize for slacking last night, but my students in one class finally got all of their papers back.
Unfortunately they were such pains today about questioning every little thing it gave me a migraine. I had to leave class fifteen minutes early. I mean, they ask some incredible questions. I tell them "Listen you've got to document where you got each and every piece of information in your paper. Failure to do so is technically considered plagiarism by university standards. So fifteen minutes later one of them asks me, "If you get a definition of a word and quote the definition I don't have to cite that right?" What part of every piece of information don't you understand? So I said yes, absolutely since there are a wide variety of dictionaries(that way I can also see how recently the dictionary was published). Then they ask well we don't have to document encyclopedia entries do we? I was like "Why on earth not?" So they say "Well it's common knowledge." I asked them "How many people here know about Hannibal?" Only one, and not very specific at that. I was like "Ok well he was from Carthage and fought against the Romans. He was a famous war tactician known in this century primarily for his use of elephants. So this is their response. "Well we shouldn't have to cite it since you know it. Therefore it's common knowledge." My response was "I have two years of high school latin. I focused most of studies in classical literature. I would hardly call two people out of twenty commong knowledge. The law of gravity is common knowledge, but the identity of classical warriors is hardly common knowledge."
I'm suppose to be applying for a phd so I can become a tenured professor, but I don't know if I want to become on after a day like today. Today was so awful.
And now because of the migraine I didn't finish my other classes papers so they are going to be pissy about that. Somedays it really doesn't pay to get out of bed.

I'm so not in the right mood to post right now. I'm very depressed, and I should be grading papers, but if I grade papers I'm going to take my depression out on them. As much as they want their papers back I'm sure they don't want to get papers back with comments like "If this is your idea of good writing, I weep for the future." (Ok I'm so depressed I can't even come up with a good come back.) (A better comment would be "If you want to improve this paper, burn it thus creating heat and light.)
Well, my friends stephen and john are being idiots. I was going to protect their identities, but they have done dick for me in the last year so they can just handle it. In fact, they haven't even come to visit this website to see what I'm doing, so I can malign them as much as like (fiendish plan comes into mind-is dismissed but still entertained in off moments). This kind of reminds me of a strangely fiendish plan I had for an ex boyfriend. I was particularly upset for a number reasons. The first reason was I wanted to break up with him, and he just got to it first. There is nothing worse than being broken up with by someone you don't even like. It's like, jesus I can't even keep the ones from the bottom of the boyfriend barrel. What kind of loser am I? (A friend of mine said I should view it as a favor. They saved me the trouble. I ask you have you ever thought of a break up as a favor? Has anyone ever told it's over and your response was "Gee thanks, that makes my life easier"? It is one of those asinine things that people tell you to kick you out of a post break up funk. They think by making no sense they will distract you from your emotional pain. It doesn't. It only makes it worse. Because now you are thinking "Ive been dumped, and all my friends are morons.Oh yeah, I feel better." Reason number two I was pissed was he chose to reveal that he was seeing other people when he broke up with me (actually I have to thank him for that-I've actually used it on other people with great effect-hey they deserved it). He says to me, "Well, you know this was always only a short term relationship." And I said "I did? When did you say that?" "Well I said I wasn't into anything serious" Now this is a bad idea. I have a memory, well, it's amazing what I remember. And so I said "No no what you said was that your last girlfriend, you were going to marry her and she suddenly dropped you (now we know why) and that you weren't anything serious LIKE THAT. We've been seeing each other maybe once a week for two months, hardly a marriage." I had 'em. So there was a break and he says "Well I just get the feeling that you want a more serious relationship." Oh yes, have we been calling Madame Cleo again? No evidence just the vibrations from my aura and the tea leaves. He continues, "And you know I've been seeing other people." "No I didn't" "Yes I told you in the very beginning." "No, no you didn't." "How do you know? Maybe you just don't remember." Oh sure that I would forget? "If you told me you were seeing other people, I would never have slept with you, you schmuck." Well that's enough of that. It degenerated from there. But I had this fantasy about telling all my friends about him (I built up a series of amusing stories) and these stories would be so entertaining they would be passed from person to person. So pretty soon he would walk up to a girl and say "hey I'm Jim Turner" and the girl would go "Jim Turner from NYC? Jim Turner who isn't into a serious relationship? Jim Turner who likes to dress up like a catholic school girl and be spanked with a large lollipop? That Jim Turner?" (Ok that last one wasn't true....I think.) And then she would dissolve in laughter. OK I was young, but its good to have dreams, goals, aspirations. Even if those goals and dreams involve nothing more than the abject humiliation of another human being. I am a big believer in the positive power of revenge. In fact, I think I'm mainly still alive because of spite. There's a positive note to end on.

Ok no response to the email so either none of you could find an online mail order husband website either or I'm going through all of this trying to protect my identity for no reason.
OK wierd weekend. Yesterday I was very depressed, and my gay ballroom dance trainer called me. He hurt his knee on friday and blew my plans for the weekend. Anyway he could hear it in my voice that I was depressed. So he made me put on Natalie Cole's "Only Someone That I Used to Love." He told me to have a good cry and go and have a drink. He told me to think about "being a buoy." You see, he is from California so he has to employ beach/boating metaphors. He said, "Look, you can only fight so many battles, but a buoy can stay afloat during a storm. A buoy endures." Yes, but a buoy doesn't go anywhere either; it doesn't accomplish anything. This is a kin to my mother's interior decorator telling me in his lovely french accent that "Life is like a garden. To the untrained eye, it may not look that different, but every year something changes. And every year things grow." Yikes, these sentimental gay men and their metaphors.
So last night I go to my regular hang out F's (I'm not giving the name, again to protect not only my identity, but the identity of the idiots I make fun of). My friend Patrick was there, and this guy who I see around the neighborhood, Drew. So there is a free seat next to Drew, and I sat down not realizing that this was apparently some kind of invitation. Drew is Israeli and has a heavy accent. He asks a few questions, how is the school year going, how are my students,and then all of the sudden, "Can I be honest with you?" Ladies, the answer to this question is always "No." Men try to use honesty as a way of saying offensive things and then they cover with "Oh but I was being honest. The truth is often ugly." Well, you know what I don't want to know the truth. I know more of it than I care to. Lie to me. Tell me that I most lovely girl you've ever seen, and you want to take me to Bora Bora for the weekend. But like an idiot I said "Sure." So then he offers the following proposition. "Why don't you teach me english and in exchange I'll sleep with you. I want to fuck with you multiple times. I use the phrase fuck with you instead of fuck you because I think we both will get something out of it." I have said maybe five words to this guy in my life and now he wants to "fuck with me"? Jesus, oh and the best part is he lives with a girlfriend/wife. (Apparently whether she is a wife or girlfriend depends on the day and who is asking.) So I found and excuse and relocated to the end of the bar to talk to a girl named Audrey (she works at the place next door.)
Then there is the Joe situation. Joe is the regular bouncer on friday and saturday nights. We've hung out a few times, when it gets slow I talk to him and he buys me drinks (well he gets the drinks free). So we've had a lot of serious conversations about his son, about his ex-wife, about his last relationship, about all kinds of things. Last weekend he walked me home and told me that I was one of his favorites. He didn't say favorite what, he kind of trailed off and then said that he always had good conversations with me. This comment made me nervous. Now before every one yells at me that I have a decent guy interested and I'm throwing him away, I have to say this in my defense. He's twelve years my senior. I'm 28 and he's 40. That's a pretty big leap and I'm not willing to make it. So friday night Joe was kind of flirting with me. He came up and put his arm around my waist and was talking to me for a while. Then he left me alone. I ended up chatting with this kind of white bread, but very nice guy. He walked me home. And that was it, I gave the guy a kiss on the cheek because it was his 27th birthday and that was it. So last night Joe is giving me the cold shoulder. Wouldn't really talk to me or anything. Finally I was talking to him for a while and I referred to him as a male friend. And he had a strange re-action. He was like "Oh is that what I am?" And I said sure that's what I thought of him as. I mean, did he really think I was interested? So finally Drew left and went and sat with Patrick again. I went to the bathroom and when I cam back Joe was gone. Now this was odd because it was an hour until closing. Apparently, Joe got pissed because the bartender wanted Joe to tell in some people that Joe thought were questionable. Joe let them in but then said to the bartender "I won't kick them out." The bartender kind of shrugged, but Joe wouldn't let it go. He said to the bartender, "Listen, you do your job and I'll do mine." The bartender simply said that keeping people out of the bar was bad for business. (One of the patrons threatened to tell the owner.) To which Joe asked him if he wanted to take it outside and then stormed out and left. But I have the feeling that the realization that I see him as a friend is what made him angry. Then again maybe I'm being self centered, and I had nothing to with it.
I still have a huge pile of papers to grade. At least tomorrow I have to give the midterm which means I have class time to grade.

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