It occurs to me now that I'm chatting with a friend online that I should make a little chart or time line for those of you who are utterly confused by the men in my life. They do have a tendency to cycle rather quickly. And so now I'm going to rectify that for you. Now be warned some of the dates overlap and some of the names actually return.

Eric April 2 1999-Sept. 28 2001
Kevin Oct. 23-Nov.23 2001
Chris D Nov. 5 2002-april 28 2002
Mark Jan 15-Feb 17 2002
Frank March 25-April 15
The Beast April 20-December 20 2002
Chris D December 27 2002-present



Have you noticed that I seem to blog when I'm at my most depressed? No, well then never mind.
I was reading this article today and this guy was lamenting that most bloggers only update once or twice A DAY. Well yes, and who are these people who are updating more often? Don't they have jobs? I guess, that my job requires me not only to be awake, but in front of people, and that I can't possibly multi task means that it radically cuts down on the time I can spend online, but really who is updating their blogs four or five times a day.
Wait, don't answer that.
So I'm getting seriously depressed. Max has left the studio, and as much as I had a crush on him that's not at all why I am depressed over his absence. Ok maybe a little bit, but since he's become my teacher, we have become friends. We used to sit and talk. We used to walk out together. He drove me home twice (which is kind of wierd since I only live three blocks away). And I told him. I TOLD HIM that if anything happened he was to tell me, and the schmuck gave me his word that he would. And now he is gone. I don't even know why. Apparently he left without saying good-bye to anyone, which makes me suspcious that he was fired. But it's cute little Max-ayla. My new teacher is Eddie, who honestly is a better teacher. I like him, but for sheer fun there was no one like Max. And he was a lot more fun to watch to. But then that was his whole platform-if you have fun dancing then people have fun watching you dance. I still can't handle having people vanish. And its so depressing without him. I used to always schedule him on fridays so I could start my weekends off right. He was just such a happy sunshiny little thing. Ok he was six foot three-so not so little. It's kind of like what I have with my students. I mean I teach them for a year. Three days a week. All those hours in classes reading their papers, tutoring them, often helping them with other papers and resumes and then poof! Gone. They don't call, they don't write. Often when I see them on the street they don't even wave. They have already moved on to the next class and the next set of expectations. And they don't realize that I remember them. I wonder where the hell the go. Did anything I teach stick?
Yep I get too attached. To men. To students. To fluffy bunnies.
At least the fluffy bunnies have an excuse for not calling.
Note to self-never watch the movie "Seven" right before teaching class. All I could think of was Brad Pitt shaking his head at Kevin Spacey and saying, "Could the freak be any more vague?"

This is going a long way back but I haven't heard from the Beast in quite a while. The last time I got a phone message from him was two weeks ago and the last time we actually spoke was the last week in January. So here is the grand question: Do I call? Not to get back together. (No of course not, I would never back slide into a relationship with a really attractive genius. Never.) But just to have "closure." I mean, I hate this we see each other for seven months and now I have no clue if he even notices I'm not around. I guess that would be the point of the call, to go "See, see I'm not here anymore, I'm off doing other things. Well, not right now, but soon and not with you, unless of course you aren't busy in which case you are free to join, but I'll still give you a nasty look when you first walk in, maybe." I mean, you can't really taunt someone with how disinterested you are. I mean what am going to do really if closure is what I'm actually interested in "I'm just calling to let you know that we are over. I just wanted there to be a record of that." Like somewhere that's going to get entered into some big book of break ups. That is if he even considered me to be his girlfriend to begin with, which we never actually established.It's just one of those days when where I am filled with envy for my cat who is fixed.


So remember that idiot who I ran away from last sunday? Well he sent me an email this weekend. Well, actually he sent me two emails last week and called me nine times (I didn't pick up). But apparently this guy can't take a hint if applied with an alumnium bat to the head. So he sent me another email today. I'm sure there is some way to include the actual text of this email, but I don't know how and even if I did, I would be loathe to do it because it would have my real email address (and therefore my real and very carefully guarded identity) but it would also have his real name and as much as he is incapable of having clue I don't feel like humiliating him to the very very few people who might actually stumble onto this web blog. (Am I not sensitive? Am I not caring? Even to the poor clueless dolts who don't deserve it?) So moron has written a two page long email asking me, mind you, if I don't care to socialize with him any more. He wants me to tell him because, he still has hope that maybe there was just some misunderstanding. Yep, I think it was my ass that misunderstood your hand when you grabbed it during our "hug." Or maybe I misunderstanding the phone when it rings which would account for my failure to answer it when you call. So I sent him a very brief email letting him no that there was no mistake or misunderstanding or hope, for that matter. And then I blocked his email. Hopefully that WILL make an impression.
But this seems to be a habitual problem for me. I have the undying affection of men I can't stand, but the ones that I want stay tantalizingly out of the way. Now I know part of this has to be my fault. I'm not looking in the right places. (Is there like some big pen of them somewhere that I'm missing?) And certainly there have been times when I was totally not ready for something serious. But hey I'm ready, I'm together, I'm flexible (in more ways than one) and uh where the hell are the decent men? I mean, there has to be one guy, who is not my ex boyfriend, who has a sense of humor and can take a clue. That's all I'm asking for. Oh and without a wedding ring, but with a pulse. I mean, c'mon I lower my standards anymore I'm going to have to start cruising the morgue.
In other news, this weekend, since I had no idiot to take me out, I went to the local pub on saturday. Of course, never let it be said that a saturday night goes by without some kind of story. I'm sitting in this bar being ignored by this guy I really like. (Another more painful story which I will go into more detail about later) and this young guy (I would say early twenties) walks up to me and with no preamble whatsover says "You have great breasts." Ok so this guy is drunk, but not obnoxiously so (ie falling down, tripping over his own feet drooling on his brooks brothers shirt). So having no idea what the "proper response" would be (hey my ass isn't bad either there buddy), I resort to typical teacher behavior-smile and nod. So that's exactly what I did. And it did, temporarily it worked because he kind of stood there for a moment. Almost said something again. Then said "I'm really drunk" and walked away. Which is fine with me. He's in a bar. He's not a threatening drunk, but I was to say the least amazed that he was actually expecting some kind of response to his comment. Was I supposed to be impressed by his honesty? So then he comes back about fifteen minutes later to say, "You know you are the best looking woman in this place?" Ok, I guess he thought a more traditional approach might work with me. (He also may have been still on his honesty kick since A I am definately a devastatingly beautiful woman-ok I'm at least good looking and B there weren't too many women in the place to begin with) So I simply say "Actually I did, but thank you for re-affirming it for me." To which again he meandered off. (He then tried to pick up to very unattractive girls near the end of the bar-and when I say unattractive I mean that they hadn't even really brushed their hair never mind put on make up or clothes that fit. I guess the thought process here is that two unattractive girls is better than no girl or they measure up to one attractive girl. There should be a college level course in drunken man logic and that should be on the final.