Before we go any further, I want you all to know that while I mock, I try to do so with a genuine hope that should someone with low social IQ stumble upon this blog, he (or even she) will realize that instead of creating a positive first impression, he (or she) is coming off as Rapey McStalkersons.

The beauty of online dating is you don't even really have to be funny. All I have to do is offer myself up and then wait. Kind of like fishing. With dynamite as it seems there is no shortage of men who don't quite get how to create a unique first impression without coming off as...well...terrifyingly desperate.

Today's offering:

Hi You look mahvelous dahling.  Did you know that if you toast 'chin, chin,' to a Chinese host, it's okay, but if it's a Japanese host, you just said, 'penis?' You probably already know that, but I know you'd do the same for me. Happy holidays. Will that be a vegan or omniveran one for you? I'm attending a Chinese wedding banquet but the host is a Japanese friend so, 'no chin, chin.' At least not for me. :-) See you later alligator. My name is btw.

Now the play by play:

You look mahvelous dahling.  

He kicks off with a reference to Fernando Lamas, a recurrent character on SNL played by Billy Crystal in 1985 . So he kicks off with a joke that is 30 years old. Way to date yourself, old man. 

Did you know that if you toast 'chin, chin,' to a Chinese host, it's okay, but if it's a Japanese host, you just said, 'penis?

He manages to work the word "penis" into his second sentence. Now true, he couches it in the "here's some fun trivia you might know" but really, out of all the trivia in the world, he HAD to pick penis trivia? 

You probably already know that, but I know you'd do the same for me.

Tell you penis trivia? How about the word "penis" is Latin for "tail" as in you probably have a vestigial one.

Happy holidays. Will that be a vegan or omniveran one for you?

I'm planning on eating the souls of men. It's a time honored tradition carried out by the women of my clan. They are also less calories than pumpkin pie.

I'm attending a Chinese wedding banquet but the host is a Japanese friend so, 'no chin, chin.' At least not for me. :-)

Not content to break one cardinal rule, he manages to get marriage AND penis into his very first email. In addition, he gets marriage AND a penis reference IN ONE SENTENCE. Truly an admirable achievement.

See you later alligator.

Really? We finish this off with a grade school salutation? From penis to playschool in two sentences. This guy is a neo-Freudian's wetdream.

My name is btw.

Hard to believe he almost forgot to tell me his name in this carefully crafted patchwork of awful.  

 


 



If Romeo and Juliet had been written today, Juliet might have mused on her FB page:

What’s in a dating screenname? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So RomeoMontague1570 would, were he not RomeoMontague1570 call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes	50
Without that screenname.

Obviously one of the first way I can judge a potential cyber suitor is by their screenname. For example, this morning, I received an IM from CaptAmerica. Needless to say, it's very exciting to get a message from a name that invokes such an iconic presence. Unfortunately, the message I received "Hi. How are you?" Talk about a huge let down! If you give yourself a screenname like that, you're setting a very high bar for yourself. I'm EXPECTING someone who will blow my panties off with the power of a single message.

There are plenty of ways to capture your spirit without engineering a surefire disappointment. For example, my online screenname isn't JessicaRabbit because DAMN is that a bad idea for any number of reasons. The point is, much like when you select a holy grail, pick your screenname WISELY.

Labels: cyber dating, date, dating, online dating, screennames

So I'm internet dating again and as such I have a terrible stories to share.  But this is just going to be a little warm up to remind you of what is out there in wide world of internet dating.

Two weeks ago I joined OKCupid because my friend VideoGeek insisted I get back into dating and my other friend Semmelweiss found her husband to be there. I put up a profile, answered some questions, and the men started messaging me. Many of the come ons are pretty pedestrian-telling me I'm beautiful, great eyes, nice smile, seem like a cool chick. Nothing spectacular until I received the following. This is what I received word for word.

No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided I want to wrap your legs around my forehead and wear you like the crown you are my lady :P (what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your skin looks like it is crafted with Aphrodite's DNA). Oh forgot to introduce you to myself (got busy wearing pool floaties so I wouldnt drown in your beauty) I am Faraz and I am just a little bit more awesome than kim kardashian's butt(needless to say I am a mean twerker)...Lets have a cup of something delicious and some beyond fantastic conversations which would include but not limited to robbery, horror movies and diet coke! If you can handle it, that is. :D  

Now, let's take this a part a little bit at a time.

No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided I want to wrap your legs around my forehead and wear you like the crown

So apparently I am an accessory to be worn to indicate his accomplishment. This is reinforced by the fact that he and he alone decides to use me in this fashion. My desire is irrelevant. Which is good because already I want to rip this guy's spine out of his body and wear it as a sash.

 you are my lady

Oh, am I? So after being reduced to a mere object NOW I've been elevated to a human being, albeit one who belongs to you, even though you still haven't bothered to ask for consent. 

 :P


Included to indicate he's joking so if I object I can be relegated to one of those humorless feminists who take everything too seriously. 

(what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your skin looks like it is crafted with Aphrodite's DNA).

Am I the only person who got a "Buffalo Bill" vibe from this question?

Oh forgot to introduce you to myself (got busy wearing pool floaties so I wouldnt drown in your beauty)

That is not all he forgot.

I am Faraz and I am just a little bit more awesome than kim kardashian's butt(needless to say I am a mean twerker)

Needless to say there are few sentences that are more terrifying in the English language. 

Lets have a cup of something delicious and some beyond fantastic conversations which would include but not limited to robbery, horror movies and diet coke!   

Diet coke because I'm chick, right? That's all we drink or so does this basement dwelling, never probably talked to a real woman think.

  If you can handle it, that is. :D  

My little misguided lotus blossom, there are so very many things I can handle.But just because I CAN handle them doesn't mean I should. Like I could probably get some protective gear and handle some sewer rats. But I'm not gonna. You fall into sewer rat territory. 

Much like Remo Williams, the adventure begins. Gird your loins. 
 

Labels: cyber dating, dating, online dating