All I ask

So Farm Fresh is no more. He asked me to go to dinner on Wednesday. Then he totally forgot about it. I called him at seven, he returned my call at 11, drunk, having totally forgotten that he had asked me to dinner. He promised to make it up to me. The next day he called at eight and started the conversation with "So, do you want to come up here and hang out?" I said no. His next suggestion, "I can come to your place?" "You are NOT coming to my apartment." "Well then I don't know what to do." So then I spent fifteen minutes explaining to him that a guy can't just stand me up and expect the next night for me to be fine with just hanging out. He kept saying "I'm sorry" and "I don't know what to do". I even spelled it out for him:

"Listen, you asked me out to dinner and then never called. Even if you were just a friend, I would be pissed. It shows a lack of effort and care. Now you want to win me back, be back in my good graces, then show me some effort. Show me that you care."

I mean, I may be an English teacher, but I don't put much stock in just saying I'm sorry. At least buy me a card.

To which he said, "I don't know what to do."

Is it me, or can this guy not get a hint with a staple gun to the forehead? Do I have to write up detailed set of instructions, like the owner's manual of a stereo, and then carve them into his forehead with a dull scalpel before he gets it?

I digress.

Now what's odd here, is that despite the fact that I know my anger was justified ( a friend asked to meet me that evening and I actually said because I THOUGHT I had plans) I still feel upset, like a failure, like somehow the fact that he wasn't willing to show up with flowers and candy is somehow my own fault. I see other couples, I hear stories. Men who clean their girlfriends apartments, men who light candles around the bathtub, men who massage sore feet and backs. Men who vacuum naked ( Ok I could do without that one). I've even met some of them. My crazy friend E's fiance who puts up with her insane obsessing about her cat ( she called me last weekend in hysterics because her cat was wheezing, she also refers to herself as her cat's Meowmy) is a notable example.

So I ask you, what am I doing wrong that I am not worth, oh say, a little effort?And why is it when I assert feelings of self worth, I often feel as if I have done the wrong thing? How is it a twit like Farm Fresh can treat me like this and not feel the slightest twinge of "what have I done?" I will obsess over this for weeks. Was I too cruel? Should I have been more sensitive to his limitations as a twit? He, on the other hand, will probably have a beer and forget he even met me. ( I have been assured by male friends that this is not the case, but he will merely pretend that he has forgotten me while inwardly mourning our lost love. I, however, am unconvinced.)

And here it is Friday, and I have no plans, no date, AGAIN.

On the other hand, I know if I really wanted one I could call up Farm Fresh and "forgive" him. And wake up tomorrow not being able to forgive myself.

Why is it I can't seem to have plans AND standards at the same time?

And valentine's day is coming. ( sniffle)


Thumbellina

Apparently my height has been under debate at Quick Story. Just for the record, I am indeed four foot six. You can always ask Ari for confirmation as she has seen me in person. And no, I'm not a dwarf. And no, I don't have a pot of a gold. And no, I do not do midget porn. And no, I will not dress up like a thirteen year old girl. And no, my name is not Smurfette ( do I look three apples high to you?).

And yes, I have been asked all these questions before, some of them more than once.

What interests me is why my height would even be a topic of discussion? Do I seem taller on the blog? Does my hostility towards men take on a different context when you realize I am knee high to a grasshopper?

When I was younger, a child, but not much smaller than I am now ( I stopped growing when I was 12 about the same time everyone started saying to expect a growth spurt), my father used to say "I'm gonna put books are on your head and keep you that size."

Who knew, he wouldn't have to bother?

No, no one in my family is this small. My mother is petite, but she is about five six, and my father was about five nine. My grandmother for a while insisted every time that I saw her that I had grown until I would haul out the measuring tape and prove that I was the same size...still. She too is about average height, maybe a little above.

Honestly, often I am not aware of my size. It's not until I happen to look at a photograph or a video and notice how much smaller I am to other people that I wonder how I seem to other people. Do I really seem that...small?

When I was in college I was close friends with a guy who was six foot four. I used to joke that he was my multiplicative inverse. One night he realized if I stood on a chair, I would be his height. And if he got on his knees he would be mine. So I stood on the chair and he got on his knees. "How the fuck do you walk without constantly tripping and falling?" I asked from on top of the chair. "How are you not terrified of me" he asked me from the carpet.

I find that I tend to befriend tall men. Most of my boyfriends have been over five eleven, a way of being tall by association I suppose. Or at least, a way for me to get the things on the top shelf of the supermarket.

occasionally I see other people on the street who are close to my size. When I see them, I am struck my how small they seem to me. I wonder if this is how I appear to other people. When I was in Ireland, I was befriended by a former jockey. He was about my size, every time he put his arm around me it gave me vertigo. I wasn't used to not looking up.

I admit that often I wish I was taller. Buying clothes would be easier. Being more than just a pair of eyes peering over the counter at the bank would be nice. I'd like to dance with someone cheek to cheek or be able to use all of my cabinet space in my kitchen.

But there are advantages too. I'm fairly sure I am the only person who is comfortable flying coach anymore. I love being picked up and carried around and thanks to my size, that is perfectly do-able. And certainly most men find my height very attractive.

The other day I was in this bookstore and there was a father in there with his daughter. He put a stack of books on her head and said "You know, you're so nice this size. I'm going to books on your head and keep you that way."

I was tempted to rush up to him and say "Oh my god, don't do it. My father used to say that to me when I was child and look what happened!"


A substitute for love: revenge

What do I get in my email today?

An email from Israel which reads, in its entirety

"Kis kis

Israel"

Christ, you'd think the guy could spell kiss.

But here is where I get the Nero Roman Emperor Seal of Cruel and Unusual Punishment-my plan is to play Farm Fresh off of Israel and vice versa

And before you get on your whole "Listen why torture these men who don't deserve it?" rant- I'm on break ok-and I deserve cheap entertainment. And if I get a thrill torturing men who desperately deserve it, well, slap a blind fold on me and call me justice.

My plan is to see Farm Fresh and give him this speech ( again, anyone wants to use this in actual break up-serious points-but I better get credit)

"Is there anything more regrettable than pleasure almost tasted? Like an apple brought to your lips, the smell so intense it seems you can taste it already, the press of firm flesh against the tips of your fingers, your upper lip. The anticipatory salivation. And as you open your mouth, it slips from your grasp. And without every tasting it, you still held it long enough for its loss to leave a permanent scar."

Yep, going to tell him an old boyfriend wants me back, meanwhile I'm going to tell Israel I have a new boyfriend and that if he REALLY wants me he is going to have to work for me.

A friend of mine thinks that I should have them see each other, a kind of boyfriend coliseum type of idea. The idea is attractive.

Of course, I would never consider dating either one of them seriously again, but they don't know that


yet.