All I ask

So Farm Fresh is no more. He asked me to go to dinner on Wednesday. Then he totally forgot about it. I called him at seven, he returned my call at 11, drunk, having totally forgotten that he had asked me to dinner. He promised to make it up to me. The next day he called at eight and started the conversation with "So, do you want to come up here and hang out?" I said no. His next suggestion, "I can come to your place?" "You are NOT coming to my apartment." "Well then I don't know what to do." So then I spent fifteen minutes explaining to him that a guy can't just stand me up and expect the next night for me to be fine with just hanging out. He kept saying "I'm sorry" and "I don't know what to do". I even spelled it out for him:

"Listen, you asked me out to dinner and then never called. Even if you were just a friend, I would be pissed. It shows a lack of effort and care. Now you want to win me back, be back in my good graces, then show me some effort. Show me that you care."

I mean, I may be an English teacher, but I don't put much stock in just saying I'm sorry. At least buy me a card.

To which he said, "I don't know what to do."

Is it me, or can this guy not get a hint with a staple gun to the forehead? Do I have to write up detailed set of instructions, like the owner's manual of a stereo, and then carve them into his forehead with a dull scalpel before he gets it?

I digress.

Now what's odd here, is that despite the fact that I know my anger was justified ( a friend asked to meet me that evening and I actually said because I THOUGHT I had plans) I still feel upset, like a failure, like somehow the fact that he wasn't willing to show up with flowers and candy is somehow my own fault. I see other couples, I hear stories. Men who clean their girlfriends apartments, men who light candles around the bathtub, men who massage sore feet and backs. Men who vacuum naked ( Ok I could do without that one). I've even met some of them. My crazy friend E's fiance who puts up with her insane obsessing about her cat ( she called me last weekend in hysterics because her cat was wheezing, she also refers to herself as her cat's Meowmy) is a notable example.

So I ask you, what am I doing wrong that I am not worth, oh say, a little effort?And why is it when I assert feelings of self worth, I often feel as if I have done the wrong thing? How is it a twit like Farm Fresh can treat me like this and not feel the slightest twinge of "what have I done?" I will obsess over this for weeks. Was I too cruel? Should I have been more sensitive to his limitations as a twit? He, on the other hand, will probably have a beer and forget he even met me. ( I have been assured by male friends that this is not the case, but he will merely pretend that he has forgotten me while inwardly mourning our lost love. I, however, am unconvinced.)

And here it is Friday, and I have no plans, no date, AGAIN.

On the other hand, I know if I really wanted one I could call up Farm Fresh and "forgive" him. And wake up tomorrow not being able to forgive myself.

Why is it I can't seem to have plans AND standards at the same time?

And valentine's day is coming. ( sniffle)

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