"By killing you, we are makin' a statement. I'm not one hundred percent sure what it's sayin'"-Natural Born Killers

"Don't ask me why. Ask yourself, why not?"-How to Make a Monster

"Man: I'd give my left arm for another chance.
Woman: I like that arm. How about you put it around me?"
The Divorcee starring Norma Shearer who earned an Oscar for Best Actress
Two things, people always assume I have friends. There is this thing about always being surrounded by people, but not really being of them. I always on the social periphery, in some limbo state, tolerated, but not sought out. Like my friends in the computer lab. Now part of it is, again, I'm not close to their age, although I'm much closer to their mentality than I am the other professors. Should I really be hanging out with the man hungry, socially clueless linguist? Or perhaps the manipulative and scheming business woman (the one who thinks sexiness is in the details)? Or maybe I should hang out with the 42 year old who is deliriously happy in his utterly dysfunctional relationship? (This is the same guy who asked if "it was ok" if he fantasized about me. On the first day of work, no less.) Not surprising when these are my social options at work, that I hang out with students.But that is only during the week. Same thing at ballroom studio, the teachers talk to me and they have a good time. They'll sit there and chat as long as I'm there but they never call me to come out with them. And so consequently i appear to be very popular, but can't actually find anyone to go to the movies with me.

The second thing I would like to talk about is that going home I heard these two, I'm thinking freshmen aged, kids on the bus. And they are talking away about stuff like who has a crush on who and et. cetera. It was a boy and girl sitting behind me, now the boy had a british accent (but he clearly had spent a significant period of time in nyc, as there was a hint of a new york accent on some of his words) but he was also Jewish. And I loved him for this. I've never heard anyone with a british accent talk about their Bah(bar is pronounced bah with a slightly upper class british accent) Mitzvah. But their conversation was funny enough. Here are two thirteen year old who actually use the word "blatant" in context and correctly. As in "You should know who I have a crush on since I'm blantant enough about it." It made me feel like maybe I'm not such a freak. That there are other people out there like me. But where the hell do they work and how do I find them?

"Because there are no whores in England, just a great mass of unlucky women." Heather Graham as Mary Kelly (generally considered the last victim of Jack the Ripper) in From Hell

Ok so I just had a long phone conversation with a friend of mine from college, and he said the same thing a great many people say about me, "Oh you're going to be fine, you just don't know it yet. I never worry about you." Now is that because I pretend to be really well adjusted or is it because there is some part of me that I don't know about? Do they know I am afraid to get the mail? That I live in fear almost all the time? That I can't sleep and barely eat? Do they have any idea of the anxiety that I am plagued with? And that doesn't even begin to deal with the depression and the sleeping disorder. Or is it me that isn't seeing something? Is there some confidence? Some ability to survive that I'm just not witnessing. I have these moments of what I think are well adjusted self esteem. I look at myself and think I'm smart I'm attractive I'm funny (no really). But then I think of the fact that I haven't been able to get boyfriend. Not that there aren't men that want to be my boyfriend, like Paul the mad robe flasher and Mark (who, until the fireman proposed, was the quickest man to ever propose his undying love...on our second date he said to me "I'm crazy in love with you" to which my response was, and I feel quite rightly so, "You don't know me" and he said "Well that's why it's crazy" to which I thought "no that's why YOU are crazy" he lasted about two whole months, amazingly, he was also notable for definately being one of the ten worst lovers I've ever had-and let me tell you that is quite an accomplishment-I mean this guy almost qualified as his own form of birth control he was so awful ) So then I think maybe I have an overinflated ego. But then the Beast was always telling me that things are going to be harder for me because I'm smarter than most people. (Coming from the Beast this was a massive compliment-the Beast's intelligence frightened me) But you see the men I want, like the Beast, Chris D., and the latest one John they are all beyond reach-for reasons I don't know-and if I'm so fabulous why can't I get these men? Is that I'm self defeating? Or is it something wrong with them? (Yes, well, something has to be wrong them because when have you every known men to turn down hot sex with an attractive girl? The correct response is never unless you are me.) or is it some combination of the two. What the hell is it?

I realize I have failed to include my inspirational quote for the day, "I won't, I won't because all of me wants to regardless of consequence. " Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade in The Maltese Falcon

A whole day where I didn't post. Amazing, isn't it? It's almost like I had a life.

So yesterday one of the other teachers was talking to me about a new "business" venture she would like to start up. She wants to set up a seminar to "teach" women how to make love to their men. Let me tell you, that should be the fastest seminar of all time. Basically it should be, "Show up." You want to please a man, nothing can be easier. Show up, and well, be willing. Don't agree with me, go watch the film Clerks even most men admit that all a woman has to do is show up. And the truth is that men, when it comes to sex, are fairly simple creatures. There is a stand-up comedian (I believe it is Dave Chappelle) who said "ladies, if you don't understand your man, it is because you are thinking too hard." For the most part, this is true. When a woman is misinterpreting a man's behavior, it is usually because she is ascribing motives of almost byzantine complexity to his behavior. This same teacher, the one with the seminar idea, said that men would consider me sexy because I am "detail oriented." Her idea of detail oriented is that my lipstick matches my outfit, or my jewelry is carefully selected to match in style and color scheme my sweater. Now, that I am sexy I won't dispute, but generally I think men find me sexy A because of the way my body is built and B because of the outfits I wear. I doubt many men are like "Hey that chick is hot, look at those earrings." Most guys can't even tell the difference between varied shades of a single color. So there you go.
Its a very stressful week and my apartment is showing it. It used to be my apartment was like my little safe space, but now I really hate going there. For some reason it invokes anxiety instead of being the calming realm it used to be. I have to spend at least part of tonight cleaning it up. If anyone knows a guy in the new York area who likes to clean apartments for fun please let me know. Which brings me to another off the wall point. When I lived in CT, there was a little "newspaper", kind of like the New York Press, that made most of their money by selling personals. And the personals were amazing. Much more frightening and creative than the ones in the Village Voice. I remember there was this one with the headline Ladies Sick of House work? and the rest of the add read let a nude man clean your house. I hate to say it, but these days I'm like "Alright buddy, here is the vacuum, here is the Soft Scrub, here are the sponges, have a good time."

And this quotation is inspired by all the awful student papers I just had to proofread (after six months they still can't get in text citation-basic in text citation correct)

"I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat." Rowan Atkinson

I would just like to take a moment here and say the for those of you who looked at my comment on Michael Moore, I would like to make it clear that I am not saying that I support everything he has done or stands for. I have read things about him, for example at http://www.spinsanity.com, that casts a great deal of doubt on some of his "research" and information. There have also been many documented complaints about him tinkering with chronology of events so as to build in a "dramatic arc" (specifically in the film Roger and Me ). I personally have not done enough research on the subject to say whether or not his information is off, I'm simply saying that I have reservations about his work. (Many other professors wanted to hang me for saying that after the film Bowling for Columbine.How could I possibly question the integrity of an "entertaining yet informative documentary"? Well, let me see, some of the information seemed downright suspect.) However I do applaud what he did at the Academy Awards, despite everything else he was the only thing worth watching. There were those who thought that his "performance" was disgraceful or inappropriate, but even these people spent a great deal of time talking about his speech. So to those people I say, sometimes you have to be disgraceful to get people to talk about important issues. I don't think that Moore just wanted to go up there and rant, I believe he was trying to create an opportunity for us to talk about what is going on. Now there are those who are saying who isn't talking about the war? And I can answer that question right now, all of my students. Until the speech at the Academy Awards they would talk about episodes of the Real World or about the latest Eminem video, but I didn't hear a peep about the war. Occassionally one of my students calls Bush an idiot and everyone agrees and moves onto the next topic of conversation like will J. Lo and Ben Affleck last? To combat this ignorance about current events last semester I had the last class of every week be current events day. Each student had to present an article to the class. They had to explain the important points of the article, and why it was important for the class to know about the issue. They loved doing it. And all of us learned a lot. The odds of getting them to read a whole newspaper were slim to none, but having the whole class teach an article (like 2 to 5 min an article) basically was the same as having them read the Sunday New York Times. Of course the presentation aspect made it more entertaining. But how sad is it that in order to get my students to even be aware of improtant news (internation, national, and local) I had to resort to a tactic that my teachers used on my classmates and me (and yes the proper pronoun there is me and NOT I-trust me) when I was in the seventh grade. That's right i had to resort to something that my middle school used to do. If I thought I could handle grading a currents events quiz every week I would do that too. And, hell, I'd give them one of those identify the country quizzes that so many of our high school students failed according to National Geographic. But I teach at the college level. What the hell is happening that my kids can make it to college and not know that you do not spell the word through thru. On the last exam I had some classic spelling blunders including dissension spelled disanchon-mandate turned into madate (as in the classic "Well madate is so hot that I fry eggs on his ass") another teacher got the word confusement (as in "much to the confusement of the teacher"). I have a student who on her exam kept writing impacting/impactful. Like I could choose between the two.

Can you tell that I'm in a bad mood? I'm in one of those anxious angry moods. I'm waiting for it give way to depression. AT this point, I'm not sure which is worse. Is better to be angry? Actually, I'm filled with anxiety. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I just want to like leave all my stuff here and just change my name and move to Bora Bora. Or San Pedro, where they don't even have cars, just little go carts. I think that would be the best place for me.

"Game over, man. Game over." Bill Paxton (who is not the same as Bill Pullman) in Aliens

"This will be the high point of my day. It's all down here from here." Kevin Spacey in American Beauty
Just got a text message on my cellphone. I don't even know how the hell to send a text message. I didn't even know I could receive a text message, but here is the thing. It's in Spanish. I don't speak spanish. So the odds are its a wrong number. But there is a part of me that wants to call just to see. You know, some glimmering of hope. I have no idea of what. That there is some spanish guy that I can't remember giving my cellphone number to pining for me? It could be one of my students sending me the message as a trick. To see if I'll call.

Very depressed lately and filled with anxiety. Thinking maybe what I need is another job. But here is the problem. I never wanted to be a person who was all about their work (think of Annette Benning in American Beauty ) That was the one thing I was sure of growing up with a mother who was a hospital administrator and a father who was a doctor. I never wanted to be one of those people who put everything on hold for their career. More and more people are putting more and more on their jobs and less and less on their personal life. the idea asking a spouse to give up a gopod job is near villanous in this day and age, but I would be willing to do so. I have always been willing to sacrifice anything for personal relationships. And yet here I am, without even enough friends where I live (I have friends all over the place) to go see a movie with, or just hang out in the park and have a coke and snipe and bitch and do all the things I used to do even two years ago. I was always willing to sacrifice everything for that. And yet here I find myself being all about my job. Having no other choice. I have no real life outside of this university role that I play. And the worst part is, its not even a good job. And I'm going to have to go back to school to get another one. And this, of course, brings up all sorts of insecurity issues with me.Can't one thing be simple? Just one? I'm sick of not being able to sleep because of anxiety and depression. I'm sick of barely being able to function. Always being behind on grading. Always worried what to teach the next day because I don't have the energy to plan ahead. I just want to be able to have one thing be easy. Even if its just sleeping.

"All knowledge comes slowly, and, if it comes, it comes at great personal cost." Paul Auster In the Country of Last Things

Home now and depressed. I get so sad when I'm on my own. When I'm out during the day, I'm fine, but then I come home and I think about everything that is wrong with everything that is wrong with my life and I just cry. I just wonder what the hell I think I'm doing. I can't even accurately describe this kind of overwhelming hopelessness in words. Watching Six Feet Under tonight Claire was talking about having this evening when you get a glimpse of what is possible, when not everything seems like such a mess. I remember the last time I had a moment like that. I was in Las Vegas, the last time I was there actually, and I went to a birthday aprty with E's mother. E wasn't even there because he had to work that night. So there I am at this birthday party in this elite room at Mandalay Bay. There was a terrace. We went out there at twilight and watched the sun set. And it was like you couldn't tell where the stars ended and the lights in the city began. It was one of the very moments when it seemed like everything was possible. I remembered looking out at the night and thinking "If any one had ever told me that I would be happy in Las Vegas. That I would be in this city at all, never mind happy, I would have told them they were crazy. And now here I am." In that moment I really believed that everything was possible. That was three years ago. And I haven't been happy since.

"Men should be like tissue: soft, strong, and disposable." Madeliene Kahn (as Mrs. White) in Clue

back at work. Meeting today. Always have anxiety attacks during staff meetings. I'm not sure why, but something about them provokes seirous anxiety and I end up with heart palpatations for the rest of the day. I have been suffering from intense anxiety lately, just about money and housing. I was remembering something that happened to me right after I graduated from my master's program. I moved into this apartment and I didn't have a bed, or any furniture, or a phone for two weeks. I would go home and right in my journal by candlelight-it was a very Thoreau like existence. But of course I was freaking out because I didn't have a bed or even more disturbing a phone. My friend Stephen had a graduate non fiction reading and I went. I met one of my old college friends there, Phil, who is wildly successful despite the fact that he admits to being an alcoholic. (Admits very cheerfully in fact.) So Phil was at this reading and he asked me why I was so stressed out and I explain to him that I'm sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor. I have no chairs, no tables, no rugs, no bed, no phone, no lamps. And Phil looked at me and said, "Enjoy it. Look at this way, this is the only time in your life when you won't have a bed." I laughed at then, but he was right. So far it was the only time in my life without a bed. I am trying to keep that advice in mind.

In other news, I am very proud of Michael Moore for at least taking a stand last night on the Academy Awards. Everyone else was giving those vague easily approved of "Let's pray for a quick and peaceful solution." It's so vague. I mean, what side are you on? Either go for the gold and give an actual opinion or don't bother to say anything at all. So I totally support that Michael Moore was brave enough to go up to the podium, with all of his fellow documentary feature nominees, and clearly state his position. All these actors making huge amounts of money terrirfied of making even the least inflammatory comment. I remember when Ewan MacGregor made the mistake of saying that the making of the first Star Wars prequel was incredibly boring (in fact I think he said it was the most boring film he had ever worked on) and the public was horrified. Public re-action was intense that after that whenever MacGregor was asked about the comment his press agent instructed him not answer (as was evidenced in an interview show where I actually heard the press agent say, "Don't answer that question." I'm sorry I don't remember which show I saw it on). Back in the day actors were told by studios how to act in life, including who they could date and where they could go. They had to keep their public personae in keeping with their film appearances. Although the system seems to have been abolished, it has simply shifted from the responsibility of the studios to tell stars how to act, to the reponsibility of the stars themselves and their respective press agents. But what is the point of having freedom of speech, if you are too afraid to use it? What the stars fail to acknowledge is that it is the people who are brave enough to say what they believe that get all the press. In my class this morning was anyone talking about Nicole Kidman or Chris Cooper? No, they were all talking about Michael Moore, even the people who didn't know who he was, or why he was receiving an award. So these actors terrified of using free speech don't realize it is what we want them to do. As one of my best teachers in college used to say "Don't worry about safe art. Some one will always make it. There will never be a safe art shortage. You have to aim to fail. You have to aim to crash and burn because it is only when you risk that much that you say anything interesting. I would rather watch an interesting failure." I'm with him on that. I would rather somebody have the guts to stand up and say what they believe and get booed off stage then try to bend their opinion into the least inflammatory comment ever.

Woman: I've never been so insulted in all my life.
Groucho Marx: Stick around, it's early yet.

Watching the Academy Awards, seriously hung over, which I think is the only way TOO watch the academy awards. Didn't even grade all my mid terms this week. I'm such a slacker. Must give all my attention to the telecast. But it is depressing watching it. I remember watching it as a child and having my parents tease me that one day I would be there. They believed that. I don't any longer. Freud thought that depression was caused by reality intruding upon fantasy. In his ideology then depression is caused by the loss of something that was never had to begin with. How we mourn our dreams, and miss the death of the things we really have.

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