"Men should be like tissue: soft, strong, and disposable." Madeliene Kahn (as Mrs. White) in Clue

back at work. Meeting today. Always have anxiety attacks during staff meetings. I'm not sure why, but something about them provokes seirous anxiety and I end up with heart palpatations for the rest of the day. I have been suffering from intense anxiety lately, just about money and housing. I was remembering something that happened to me right after I graduated from my master's program. I moved into this apartment and I didn't have a bed, or any furniture, or a phone for two weeks. I would go home and right in my journal by candlelight-it was a very Thoreau like existence. But of course I was freaking out because I didn't have a bed or even more disturbing a phone. My friend Stephen had a graduate non fiction reading and I went. I met one of my old college friends there, Phil, who is wildly successful despite the fact that he admits to being an alcoholic. (Admits very cheerfully in fact.) So Phil was at this reading and he asked me why I was so stressed out and I explain to him that I'm sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor. I have no chairs, no tables, no rugs, no bed, no phone, no lamps. And Phil looked at me and said, "Enjoy it. Look at this way, this is the only time in your life when you won't have a bed." I laughed at then, but he was right. So far it was the only time in my life without a bed. I am trying to keep that advice in mind.

In other news, I am very proud of Michael Moore for at least taking a stand last night on the Academy Awards. Everyone else was giving those vague easily approved of "Let's pray for a quick and peaceful solution." It's so vague. I mean, what side are you on? Either go for the gold and give an actual opinion or don't bother to say anything at all. So I totally support that Michael Moore was brave enough to go up to the podium, with all of his fellow documentary feature nominees, and clearly state his position. All these actors making huge amounts of money terrirfied of making even the least inflammatory comment. I remember when Ewan MacGregor made the mistake of saying that the making of the first Star Wars prequel was incredibly boring (in fact I think he said it was the most boring film he had ever worked on) and the public was horrified. Public re-action was intense that after that whenever MacGregor was asked about the comment his press agent instructed him not answer (as was evidenced in an interview show where I actually heard the press agent say, "Don't answer that question." I'm sorry I don't remember which show I saw it on). Back in the day actors were told by studios how to act in life, including who they could date and where they could go. They had to keep their public personae in keeping with their film appearances. Although the system seems to have been abolished, it has simply shifted from the responsibility of the studios to tell stars how to act, to the reponsibility of the stars themselves and their respective press agents. But what is the point of having freedom of speech, if you are too afraid to use it? What the stars fail to acknowledge is that it is the people who are brave enough to say what they believe that get all the press. In my class this morning was anyone talking about Nicole Kidman or Chris Cooper? No, they were all talking about Michael Moore, even the people who didn't know who he was, or why he was receiving an award. So these actors terrified of using free speech don't realize it is what we want them to do. As one of my best teachers in college used to say "Don't worry about safe art. Some one will always make it. There will never be a safe art shortage. You have to aim to fail. You have to aim to crash and burn because it is only when you risk that much that you say anything interesting. I would rather watch an interesting failure." I'm with him on that. I would rather somebody have the guts to stand up and say what they believe and get booed off stage then try to bend their opinion into the least inflammatory comment ever.