"Because there are no whores in England, just a great mass of unlucky women." Heather Graham as Mary Kelly (generally considered the last victim of Jack the Ripper) in From Hell

Ok so I just had a long phone conversation with a friend of mine from college, and he said the same thing a great many people say about me, "Oh you're going to be fine, you just don't know it yet. I never worry about you." Now is that because I pretend to be really well adjusted or is it because there is some part of me that I don't know about? Do they know I am afraid to get the mail? That I live in fear almost all the time? That I can't sleep and barely eat? Do they have any idea of the anxiety that I am plagued with? And that doesn't even begin to deal with the depression and the sleeping disorder. Or is it me that isn't seeing something? Is there some confidence? Some ability to survive that I'm just not witnessing. I have these moments of what I think are well adjusted self esteem. I look at myself and think I'm smart I'm attractive I'm funny (no really). But then I think of the fact that I haven't been able to get boyfriend. Not that there aren't men that want to be my boyfriend, like Paul the mad robe flasher and Mark (who, until the fireman proposed, was the quickest man to ever propose his undying love...on our second date he said to me "I'm crazy in love with you" to which my response was, and I feel quite rightly so, "You don't know me" and he said "Well that's why it's crazy" to which I thought "no that's why YOU are crazy" he lasted about two whole months, amazingly, he was also notable for definately being one of the ten worst lovers I've ever had-and let me tell you that is quite an accomplishment-I mean this guy almost qualified as his own form of birth control he was so awful ) So then I think maybe I have an overinflated ego. But then the Beast was always telling me that things are going to be harder for me because I'm smarter than most people. (Coming from the Beast this was a massive compliment-the Beast's intelligence frightened me) But you see the men I want, like the Beast, Chris D., and the latest one John they are all beyond reach-for reasons I don't know-and if I'm so fabulous why can't I get these men? Is that I'm self defeating? Or is it something wrong with them? (Yes, well, something has to be wrong them because when have you every known men to turn down hot sex with an attractive girl? The correct response is never unless you are me.) or is it some combination of the two. What the hell is it?