"All knowledge comes slowly, and, if it comes, it comes at great personal cost." Paul Auster In the Country of Last Things

Home now and depressed. I get so sad when I'm on my own. When I'm out during the day, I'm fine, but then I come home and I think about everything that is wrong with everything that is wrong with my life and I just cry. I just wonder what the hell I think I'm doing. I can't even accurately describe this kind of overwhelming hopelessness in words. Watching Six Feet Under tonight Claire was talking about having this evening when you get a glimpse of what is possible, when not everything seems like such a mess. I remember the last time I had a moment like that. I was in Las Vegas, the last time I was there actually, and I went to a birthday aprty with E's mother. E wasn't even there because he had to work that night. So there I am at this birthday party in this elite room at Mandalay Bay. There was a terrace. We went out there at twilight and watched the sun set. And it was like you couldn't tell where the stars ended and the lights in the city began. It was one of the very moments when it seemed like everything was possible. I remembered looking out at the night and thinking "If any one had ever told me that I would be happy in Las Vegas. That I would be in this city at all, never mind happy, I would have told them they were crazy. And now here I am." In that moment I really believed that everything was possible. That was three years ago. And I haven't been happy since.

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