"This will be the high point of my day. It's all down here from here." Kevin Spacey in American Beauty
Just got a text message on my cellphone. I don't even know how the hell to send a text message. I didn't even know I could receive a text message, but here is the thing. It's in Spanish. I don't speak spanish. So the odds are its a wrong number. But there is a part of me that wants to call just to see. You know, some glimmering of hope. I have no idea of what. That there is some spanish guy that I can't remember giving my cellphone number to pining for me? It could be one of my students sending me the message as a trick. To see if I'll call.

Very depressed lately and filled with anxiety. Thinking maybe what I need is another job. But here is the problem. I never wanted to be a person who was all about their work (think of Annette Benning in American Beauty ) That was the one thing I was sure of growing up with a mother who was a hospital administrator and a father who was a doctor. I never wanted to be one of those people who put everything on hold for their career. More and more people are putting more and more on their jobs and less and less on their personal life. the idea asking a spouse to give up a gopod job is near villanous in this day and age, but I would be willing to do so. I have always been willing to sacrifice anything for personal relationships. And yet here I am, without even enough friends where I live (I have friends all over the place) to go see a movie with, or just hang out in the park and have a coke and snipe and bitch and do all the things I used to do even two years ago. I was always willing to sacrifice everything for that. And yet here I find myself being all about my job. Having no other choice. I have no real life outside of this university role that I play. And the worst part is, its not even a good job. And I'm going to have to go back to school to get another one. And this, of course, brings up all sorts of insecurity issues with me.Can't one thing be simple? Just one? I'm sick of not being able to sleep because of anxiety and depression. I'm sick of barely being able to function. Always being behind on grading. Always worried what to teach the next day because I don't have the energy to plan ahead. I just want to be able to have one thing be easy. Even if its just sleeping.