Ok so yesterday was wierd. First, I called this guy that I'm kind of seeing in a way maybe. Ok I don't know what is going on with him. I met him about three months ago and we see each other about once a week for what I call conversation and sex. (Usually more sex). It started off like it could have been going in a relationship direction. Like we went out to dinner and stuff, but then it trailed off mainly into us hanging out at my place or his. In my mind I have a nickname for him, the beast, although he is closer probably to a werewolf. I remember the first time we went out, he was utterly laid back. At the end of the date we were sitting on this park bench looking at the river. I was actually beginning to wonder if he was attracted to me because he hadn't even put an arm around me. We talked about a lot of different things. What it is like to watch your friends just give up on themselves and resgin themselves to awful lives. And then suddenly he attacked me. I don't mean it in a bad way. It was just all of the sudden he was not only kissing me, but was totally wrapped up around me. It was like 0-60. Laid back guy all of the sudden in passionate embrace. But I really don't know where we are in terms of how he thinks of me. Am I his grilfriend? Am I just some chick he likes to screw around with? I haven't a damn clue.
Last night we talked on the phone for a long time while he was in the lab. It's strange. Apparently when he was 23 he was engaged and had a house and the whole thing. He is just so detached from the world outside his lab, I couldn't see him like that. We talked about it for a bit, what happened, why he left. I guess I thought he was always this detached and yesterday I found out, to some degree, his detachment is a choice. He consciously rejects, at least for now, the whole "normal life" plan (marry, house, kids) and yet he talks about wanting those things sometime in the future. This is a difference between us. I want it, but I don't seem capable of finding it. My friend Ty keeps asking me if I could see myself married to the Beast. I told him I don't even know if I'm this guy's grilfriend, how the hell am I suppose to know if I want to marry the guy? And besides the answer should be no because I always said I wouldn't marry a doctor. I remember what life was like with my father, an orthopedic surgeon, and I never want to repeat that experience. I don't want to be second to someone's job. And with the beast that's exactly what would happen. By his own admission the lab is basically the majority of his world, the one thing he is truly passionate about. I don't want to come in second to a tray full of protein samples. I already have enough self esteem problems.
Well that was the first part of the evening, I find that I don't have the strength to report the second part of my evening so you will all just have to deal with the suspense until tomorrow.