Confession Time
So metafilter has finally written about this so I can come out of the closet and admit it. I watch the Pick Up Artist.

I know I know it's shocking to believe that I who spend many up curled up with Dante and Flaubert would waste my time watching this, but well. Let me explain.

When I was in college, I was friends with a guy named Dave. Dave was a benevolent doofus. He wasn't smart, charming, funny, attractive, talented or rich and so even though Dave was a benevolent doofus, he didn't do well with girls. Add to the fact that Dave hit on every woman who stood still next to him long enough and did it in a really "Wow, look at how long I've been hanging out in my mother's basement playin' D and D'" kind of way and you can understand why Dave had trouble getting a girl.

Dave had a childhood friend named Colin. Colin had waist long hair and that olive complexion that has just a touch of the exotic to it. He changed his name to Amadeus or 'deus for short. 'Deus was a ladies man, and when he came to visit I finally had the chance to witness it in person. Dave's girlfriend, Vicky, a dance major who had a great body but the intelligence of a bag of hammers, fell for him. They spent the weekend in bed together. I know because I was her roommate. Anyway, 'Deus would often call for her and if she wasn't home proceed to hit on me. I personally found him fairly disgusting even before he slept with his friend's girl, but after I wanted to shower even after talking to him on the phone. (Vicky got her just desserts when 'Deus bedded one of her friends in her bed, while she sat in the living room tearfully. Dave broke up with her and now seems to have a lovely girl.)

What amazed me was how much the long hair and the silly name worked on chicks. When I saw Mystery of the Pick Up Artist, I thought "My god, it's the same plan." So I wanted to see how this might actually work on women since it didn't work on me at all.

I have to admit I'm still at a loss for the most part (how does one dress like Orville Wright as envisioned by Willy Wonka and still pick up chicks?), but he has some moments. Mystery teaches his little dorklets "sets" and openers" like "Do you floss before or after you brush your teeth?" or "If a girl with a boyfriend kisses another girl is it cheating?" What's interesting about these sets is they begin with a question that does have a conclusion written into, thus placing the focus on the other person and allowing an open response.

Now while I don't agree with sets, and most of them especially the flossing question seem ridiculous to me, the asking of questions is a brilliant lead-in. Often men begin talking to me by asking me what I'm reading. This is a great opener because it shows interest in what I'm doing without judgement (ie "Why are you reading the Inferno? Isn't that boring?"). The conversation can then move on from there.

I was reminded while reading the metafilter comments of a conversation that the Doberman told me about a long time ago. A male regular at the Lion's Den had been rejected by a girl. He bemoaned how he spent so much time trying to get her engaged by talking about various topics that he was interested in or deemed important. He extolled his past as a playwright and talked about his time abroad. However, she rejected him. His male cronies all ponied up stories of attempting to sweettalk women and failing miserably. Art, travel, politics, movies it seemed these women just weren't impressed by any of these vastly important topics. Essentially the discussion came down to "What's wrong with this women that they aren't totally floored by my vast knowledge of these essential topics?" Finally the Doberman walked by. One of the cronies said, "Hey Doberman, you've got a girlfriend. What do you talk about to impress a girl into a date?"

And the Doberman said, "Whatever she wants to talk about."

It's a brilliantly simple lesson and yet it seems that there are many men who have yet to learn that basic idea.

Maybe we can get him a TV show. "How to talk politics and get a girlfriend with your host the Doberman." But the minute he starts wearing eyeliner, I'm gonna pretend I've never heard of the guy.

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I need advice and after reading this I think you may be able to help me. I do not have any problems getting girls, NO I do not get the most attractive girls but I do get cute girls and I want that to stay that way... I dont trust really hot girls, I have a couple as freinds.
I do have the problem of hooking up with girls that apparently have issues and I just stick right on working with the girl. My freinds all call me a jiglown (not a very good one apparently,read above) , not a player, I love the girls I date.
Ok so my question is how do I just get a girl for a longer than one month duration? What am I doing so wrong that brings the girls that dont want a long standing relationsuhip?
Well considering my dating history I'm not sure if I am the one to ask, but I'll give it a go. But first I have some questions:
1. Why don't you trust "hot" girls enough to date if you consider them acceptable as friends?

2.Why haven't you asked your female friends for advice(or have you gotten unusable advice from them)?

It's hard for me to say considering how little information I have to go on, but I would say your question contains the answer. You pick girls with "issues." I'm guessing you mean issues with trust or maintaining long term relationships. One big problem in terms of dating (for both men and women) is we encounter people who say things like "I don't want a serious relationship" or "I often have short intense relationships and then vanish." For some reason, some of us think "I can change that." We ignore these statements,and then are hurt when the inevitable occurs.

If a girl says she has a habit of short intense relationships or trust issues, take her at her word and don't date her. As for what brings the girls who don't want a long standing relationship, it seems you are attracted to them, thus you draw them in and silently communicate to others your disinterest. I'm willing to bet there are other girls who would like a relationship who you have eliminated for some reason or another.

Men also tend to be rather clueless when it comes to subtle hints of interest from women. There may be women who want a relationship with you and are too shy to make it obvious to you. Thus you go after the women you can't have and the women you can have stand in the shadows and watch silently waiting for the moment you come to your senses.

But that's all on very little information, so I could be completely wrong. Anyway, good luck. I hope that helped.
LOL ok first, yes I have been called clueless and my freinds have looked at me asking why I didnt hit on so and so... a few times, lol.
Second- I have asked girls advice before and my freind Kate (noothing romantic there) that lives in NY, she is pretty good but honestly the rest either talk about what the guy can buy for them or what they can do if he doesnt. NO THANKS.
I really dont have any freinds that I can go to with a question like this... LOL I would not hear the end of it if I did, lol.
Honestly, you did pretty good at reading me though. I have had short relationships but I am just ready for a long term and one that does not include fights every weekend, I pay alot of attention to my freinds.
I am glad I asked you though, you are pretty good and I really enjoy reading your writing. I dont know if I am looking for guidance, just someone to talk to that is having like problems and can express themselves.
You ever feel like the reason that it doesnt work is because you just
havent met one worth it. It is always great at the first then after awhile you ignore things so you can be with that person? Then if you look back it is like a cold chill goes down your spine.
LOL that last is my own "moment of zen"
According to Jill Soloway (one of the writers of Six Feet Under) a relationship doesn't really start until you think "This is never going to work out." In fact strangely most of my long term relationships were with people I began the relationship by thinking, "Well, he's not gonna last in the long term. He's just a quick fling."

On the second round of your comments, one thing I have to say is this: a relationship is never effortless. Now you have to balance that against "I am increasingly turning a blind eye to an exponentially increasing pile of big problems." In the first case, what dooms the relationship is the idealistic expectation that the fun easy stage will continue indefinitely. And it won't. Fun and easy all the time just isn't possible. (I have the opposite problem. I don't trust fun or easy things and thus unnec. complicate relationships.)
On the other side, some people ignore ever surmounting issues that will eventually doom the relationship. When I was far far younger woman, I dated a man who had difficult issues which multiplied like bunnies. Finally after two years of me trying to rationalize his ever increasing needs and ignoring certain other irreconciliable differences, I broke up with him. The difference is knowing problems that can be worked through with effort, issues that won't change significantly but aren't THAT important, and deal breakers. Most young 'uns believe "love will conquer all" even the deal breakers.Those of us who have loved and lost know to love wisely not too well.
Most yung-uns? LOL you are only 32, your page said it, LOL If I admit "you are older" at 32 than I am not going to enjoy me being 31 and I kind of like it. I know before you think to yourself "he hasnt figured this stuff out yet?" I traveled during all of my 20's. I never had a chance to work some of the kinks out of "how to find a proper woman"
I agree with the people denying things and problems surmounting, I just dont want them to ruin my happiness, I know things get bad but are they really bad enough to make the other person incredibly miserable?
I dont have the "love will conquer all" syndrome, I have the "lets be adults and realize what we can do to make our lives happier and what we cannot, so that we dont worry about the ones we cant when we are supposed to be enjoying ourselves"
I have this neighbor and she is pretty cool but she wines all the time, her electricity was shut off last week and she wined all about it for two days... then when I talked to her this weeekend she had went and got herself and personal trainer... I had to walk away before I mentioned how retarded that was. then she wonders why she doesnt have a guy...
She probably would but everythign is woe is me.
I know relationships are hard but that is what makes them worthwhile sometimes.... right?
I just noticed that these posts are from like 2003, thank you for responding. I have to ask, did that guy ever call you back? If he didnt, have you had more luck?
OK now I understand what you are referring to. Yes the woe is me syndrome is particularly aweful. I've had some friends (male and female) like that and eventually I just let them go. As someone who spent some ignoring how miserable she was in order to be in a relationship, I agree with your point entirely. If the other person seems to bent on ruining your happiness than friend or lover, you're probably better off with out them.

Sorry about calling you a young'un, but I spend all day teaching 18-22 year olds and so I often feel like everyone is younger than me. And as for figuring it out, I know guys in their 60s who still haven't figured women out. Freud once said trying to understand women was impossible and he was the father of psychoanalysis.

I am confused about your comment regarding when I posted. I posted this morning (Sept 16th 2007), which is what you are commenting on. You might also be commenting on older posts, but I haven't seen it.

And I'm also not sure what you are referring to when you asked if the guy called back?
Here is the site that I went thru.
I hope that explaines it better, the dates below the post.
I get called young from everyone but my best freind so dont worry about it.
If it is not to personal, you are a college teacher/professor?
Not only did he never call, but I actually completely forgot about him until I reviewed the archives you mentioned.

Don't worry I still cope witht he men not calling problem but at this point I just accept that no matter how well or poorly things seem to go there is no logic to when men will call and when they will fall off the earth.
I really did not mean to bring up any bad memories. I think that I have advanced firmly into the sad stage, I promised my freinds that the next girl will be for real and not just for fun... now my gay freinds are trying to set me up, It is actully kind of funny watching them talk about it. They flap their wrists all around calling everyone bitches. It is almost worth it, LOL.
SO then patch in the story of then to now if you dont mind, I tried to see if there was any posts after but I didnt find anything.
You are pretty cool for just being a bunny and all, LOL.
Nevermind I found them.... I particulary like the one about the party with the ex there... it sounds like he was the woman of the relationship. I dont know why those never showed up before but thank you for writing and I REALLY enjoy reading your view on things. I do have to admit though through reading some of your inputs that I feel the same way with girls alot, so YES guys do feel the same way, LOL.
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