So metafilter has finally written about this so I can come out of the closet and admit it. I watch the Pick Up Artist.

I know I know it's shocking to believe that I who spend many up curled up with Dante and Flaubert would waste my time watching this, but well. Let me explain.

When I was in college, I was friends with a guy named Dave. Dave was a benevolent doofus. He wasn't smart, charming, funny, attractive, talented or rich and so even though Dave was a benevolent doofus, he didn't do well with girls. Add to the fact that Dave hit on every woman who stood still next to him long enough and did it in a really "Wow, look at how long I've been hanging out in my mother's basement playin' D and D'" kind of way and you can understand why Dave had trouble getting a girl.

Dave had a childhood friend named Colin. Colin had waist long hair and that olive complexion that has just a touch of the exotic to it. He changed his name to Amadeus or 'deus for short. 'Deus was a ladies man, and when he came to visit I finally had the chance to witness it in person. Dave's girlfriend, Vicky, a dance major who had a great body but the intelligence of a bag of hammers, fell for him. They spent the weekend in bed together. I know because I was her roommate. Anyway, 'Deus would often call for her and if she wasn't home proceed to hit on me. I personally found him fairly disgusting even before he slept with his friend's girl, but after I wanted to shower even after talking to him on the phone. (Vicky got her just desserts when 'Deus bedded one of her friends in her bed, while she sat in the living room tearfully. Dave broke up with her and now seems to have a lovely girl.)

What amazed me was how much the long hair and the silly name worked on chicks. When I saw Mystery of the Pick Up Artist, I thought "My god, it's the same plan." So I wanted to see how this might actually work on women since it didn't work on me at all.

I have to admit I'm still at a loss for the most part (how does one dress like Orville Wright as envisioned by Willy Wonka and still pick up chicks?), but he has some moments. Mystery teaches his little dorklets "sets" and openers" like "Do you floss before or after you brush your teeth?" or "If a girl with a boyfriend kisses another girl is it cheating?" What's interesting about these sets is they begin with a question that does have a conclusion written into, thus placing the focus on the other person and allowing an open response.

Now while I don't agree with sets, and most of them especially the flossing question seem ridiculous to me, the asking of questions is a brilliant lead-in. Often men begin talking to me by asking me what I'm reading. This is a great opener because it shows interest in what I'm doing without judgement (ie "Why are you reading the Inferno? Isn't that boring?"). The conversation can then move on from there.

I was reminded while reading the metafilter comments of a conversation that the Doberman told me about a long time ago. A male regular at the Lion's Den had been rejected by a girl. He bemoaned how he spent so much time trying to get her engaged by talking about various topics that he was interested in or deemed important. He extolled his past as a playwright and talked about his time abroad. However, she rejected him. His male cronies all ponied up stories of attempting to sweettalk women and failing miserably. Art, travel, politics, movies it seemed these women just weren't impressed by any of these vastly important topics. Essentially the discussion came down to "What's wrong with this women that they aren't totally floored by my vast knowledge of these essential topics?" Finally the Doberman walked by. One of the cronies said, "Hey Doberman, you've got a girlfriend. What do you talk about to impress a girl into a date?"

And the Doberman said, "Whatever she wants to talk about."

It's a brilliantly simple lesson and yet it seems that there are many men who have yet to learn that basic idea.

Maybe we can get him a TV show. "How to talk politics and get a girlfriend with your host the Doberman." But the minute he starts wearing eyeliner, I'm gonna pretend I've never heard of the guy.

Labels: dating, the pick up artist