Of Threesomes and Detachable Arms
So last week, I got my hair done. As always dealing with gay hairdresser left me feeling fabulous and sexy and I wanted to go out that night. So I proceeded to text every person I know in NYC.

Everyone was busy. Sigh.

In light of this, I decided to go to dinner at this tavern by where I live. I often having working dinners at the bar as many other people do. The regulars have a kind of loose community there so even if I'm there alone, it's likely someone I know will be there and at least there will be some pleasant chat. So I'm sitting at the bar enjoying a salad when this guy proceeds to hit on me with subtly of a water buffalo. I don't mean he was crass, but from the moment he walked in he focused only on me. Which I found kinda weird because there lots of attractive single women around, but he was decent looking and pleasant to talk to so, hey. Not bad. We shared an order of dessert and he walked me home. I admit at the doorstep there was some canoodling, he took my number, and walked away. I firmly expected never to hear from him again.

Last Friday night my phone rings. I was in the middle of watching this hilarious horror zombie road trip rom com type deal planning on having an early night and hitting the farmer's market in the morning. But this guy called and asked if maybe I would like to meet him for dessert and I thought to myself, "It's Friday night. You have no other plans this weekend. If you don't go meet this guy, tomorrow night you'll be lonely and whiny." So I said "Give me 20 minutes to freshen up and I'll be there." Exactly 20 minutes later, I walked into the tavern where we met.

It was unexpectedly dead.There were literally only 6 people at the bar-a group of 3, a group of 2, and a single man near the end of the bar. I figured the single man was my target until as I walked by the group of three my "date" turned around.

Part of the reason why I had ignored the group of three was this: it was composed of 2 girls and a guy and one of the girls seemed very friendly with the guy. Basically not the scenario I was expecting. The girls seemed put off by my presence and didn't acknowledge me at first, instead trying to draw my dates attention by asking him questions. When it became clear this tactic wasn't going to work, they shifted and began talking to me-where was I from, what did I do. The "friendly" girl revealed unprompted that she was a Columbia grad and her friend a Harvard grad. So now the name of the game was intellectual intimidation, which didn't work either. Partly because I'm well educated myself and partly because having worked at some reputable institutions of higher education, I know you can be brilliantly book smart and still have the functional intelligence of a brain damaged grape.

So basically I knew from the moment I walked in no matter how this played out, I was walking home alone that night. What happened next was, admittedly, surprising.

Friendly girl turns to me and says, point blank, "Is this your boyfriend?" Which I say "No." I mean, honestly, this was technically our first date so no, no he wasn't. She then turns to my "date" and says "I'd like to ask you out on a date. Nothing fancy, just a casual dinner and drinks." Uncomfortable silence. "I'm sorry I'm just sick of waiting for guys to ask me out."

Now my "date" could have, before I arrived, pawed off these girls by saying he was waiting for someone. He didn't. So I knew from second one he was off the list. You invite me out and 20 minutes later you're ensconced in conversation with 2 women and you haven't mentioned that you invited a woman to join you? You're fired. But you're fired out of a cannon when a woman makes a play like that and your response is basically to smile and not answer. The correct response is to politely decline and indicate that you're already with someone ( ie me).

At this point I began to laugh to myself that only this shit happens to me. The other girl, silent and serious, walked up my date and whispered something to him very intensely before walking to the bathroom. I look at him. "She's a philosopher. She told me that you can only focus on this moment and to remember everything. You have to admit it's deep." Maybe to a puddle, but not to my mind. The serious girl returned only to announce she was leaving. Apparently she had received a booty call (or intelligently had gone to the bathroom in order to fake one) leaving me with friendly girl.

At this point, my date began asking to go back to my apartment. Under no circumstances was THAT happening. Standards, I has them. If he had been upfront with friendly girl, I would have considered some kissing on the couch, but as it was it seemed like he wanted to save her for a rainy day and enjoy me while the weather was lovely. I explained that I had been indoors all day and was enjoying my tea. After all, it was actually not that late so why not enjoy a little of the nightlife in NYC?

He put to me again that he wanted to go back to my place a few times and I, again, explained that I wanted to finish my pot of tea in a leisurely manner. After these few exchanges, friendly girl got even more flirty and aggressive. Because I'm me, and I already knew what my outcome was for the evening, I really didn't care. I was now involved in the situation as a writer, not a social entity. I just wanted to see what would happen.

Friendly girl puts out that she would invite my date back to her place except that she has a friend staying on her couch and she lives in a studio so they wouldn't have privacy. Cue my date asking if all of us can go back to my place and "just watch a movie." I say no. He asks a few more times specifying that "There will no sex, no funny stuff." I explain I have a small one bedroom apartment. I only have room for two people to watch a movie. No joke. He keeps pushing. At first I thought it was funny and predictable, but then I started getting genuinely angry. The 12th time I said no in 3 minutes, I was not amused. He went to the bathroom at which point friendly girl said she would gladly bring liquor and drugs over to my place if I could host.

And this is where I lost it.

I said, "Let me get this straight. You're asking me if you can bribe me to come back with you and the guy who called me and asked me to come out tonight so you can fuck him in my bed." She kind of jerked back and than said, "I'm only asking this once. If the answer is no I won't ask again."

People, you can not write this kind of comedy. You have to have truly fucked up karma as well as a morbid sense of curiousity and just let it wash over you.

So I said, "No." At this point, I received a text from a male friend downtown. He's served as a white knight for me on more than one occasion so I explained that I might need his presence to help me out. As we texted, I turned away from them as they began discussion my lack of cooperation and alternative plans. Ten minutes later, without saying anything, they both left. The barrista came up and asked what happened to my friends. I smiled at her and said I only knew the one guy and not well at that. She looked at the door and then leaned into me, "He won't be the same after spending the night with her" gave me a pointed look and walked away.

I had one more cup of tea by myself and walked home. I curled up with my cat and watched the end of the movie which ended with the hero predictably getting the girl, even though he was dead and his arm kept falling off. Considering the men of nyc, I'd gladly deal with that as long as they had something vaguely resembling decency and did actually care for me.

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