Say Good-bye to All of This

Well there's been a lot of veiled references here to things that I can't talk about, things that I was silent about on the behalf of another individual, Ma Belle Ami or rather Ma Ex-Belle Ami ( for french speakers that is pretty friend). I was being silent here because he asked me to, because he didn't want his girlfriend to find out what really happened here.

And because I am who I am I did it. I was silent. I wanted to write about here, but I didn't. And there was a part of me that came to like that, that it was just between us. Something that was apart from her.

And then, and then, and then.

I suppose I should start from the beginning and then when I get to the end stop ( the Mad Hatters advise to Alice on how to tell her story). Let me just give you the short short version. I met Ami when I went back to visit my old high school, I was 19 and he was 15. He liked me, and it was clear that he liked me. And I liked the attention, but I was very conservative and so the flirtation between us also disturbed me a great deal.

What exactly happens next eludes my memory, but basically we started to email each other when I was 22. I was getting out of college, I was totally lost, I didn't have a job, or a direction, I was living in my mother's house in upstate new york. We used to im all the time and talk on the phone. When my favorite teacher killed himself, Ami was the first person I called. There was flirtation, but honestly my biggest fear was that what had happened with many of my other male friends would happen here, he would fall for me and I wouldn't want him in the least. So there was this drifting that became complete silence. Originally I thought I initiated it, I got a boyfriend and went to grad school, but Ami thinks he started it when he got his girlfriend.

Well he was much luckier than I was. I left grad school and my boyfriend two years later ( at least I got a degree from grad school) and I took up with Eric. Another fabulously huge mistake.

So why not make one more?

Around last september, Ami started imming me again. It's not coincidence that it was about this time his girlfriend went to grad school far away. Now see he could get angry with me for posting all of this, but you know what screw him. The nice thing here is I don't have to worry about that anymore. Somebody give me a lighter, I'm going to burn this bridge.

I was lonely and needed friendship and so we immed frequently. I flirted with him, but I wasn't as fearful as before because I figured if I didn't really want him he had his girlfriend so the friendship would be secure.
What I didn't see coming, not until things were already set in motion, is that I would want him. See that's where it all went wrong.

When I went on the cruise I saw him for the first time in almost a decade. I got off the boat being depressed feeling rejected, the whole Damocles faux engagement and Volta just had me so down. And I violated my own golden rule, never make serious decisions when you are depressed.

We had booked a hotel room together for three days ( mistake #2) and we had joked about fooling around, but at that point really neither of knew what was going to happen. Well actually I did. The last day I was aboard the ship I told my friends "Well I'm just glad I'm going to meet this old friend of mine. I'll just use him for his body so the vacation won't be an entire waste." The morning we were supposed to meet I called him and told him I was going to be so happy to see him I was going to lick his face like a dog.

I should say at this point that what I had been told was that the relationship he was in was open ie as long as it didn't threaten his connection with his girlfriend it was ok to go outside of it. So as far as I knew, I was ok. And I didn't think I would want him enough to threaten that connection, assuming I did want him at all.

We met at the hotel, an hour later we were in bed. Apparently half way into undressing I said to him "Listen, if we aren't going to have sex, just tell me now." He didn't say anything.

And we spent the next three days locked in a hotel room together. We were that obnoxious couple that never come out of the room. I mean short of obligatory raids for food ( and seeing that awful horror movie) never left. I will say this, he did redeem my faith in the erotic powers of semetic men ( although I should also say like myself he isn't "fullblooded"-he is also like me still by judiac law a jew). So all you other Jew boys out there make sure you write him a nice thank you note for that.

It was honestly, the happiest three days I've had since Eric left.

And then, and then, and then.

But see here's the problem. I got romantically attached. And once that happened, it was over, the friendship is gone. Because there were only a finite number of outcomes, and none of them were going to be good for me.

Now was it the sex? No, not at all. If he hadn't have touched it still would have ended the friendship. It was the way he looked at me, and the way he took care of me, it was the way he made me feel, and that didn't have anything to do with the sex.

Really.

Trust me I can seperate sex from love, but what this was, well I can't seperate what this was out from love, romantic love that is. So basically there was only one option: he would eventually become mongamously committed to the girlfriend, and I would feel rejected.
And I knew it. I saw it coming, but I what could I have done to stop it. The only other possible out come is if the committment to the girlfiend had happened after I met someone else and became involved with them. And that just wasn't going to happen.

But I am getting ahead of myself. During those three days, I told him his girlfriend was lucky to have him. "Says the girl who he is cheating on his girlfriend with" was his response, which was the first time I was aware this was off limits. Secondly he asked me not to blog about it, he wanted it highly veiled, and to the point I wouldn't be able to write about it at all. So I didn't.

But here is where things get bad. He knew. He knew that my feelings had changed. He knew. And if it was smart, if he cared about me then the way he said he did, he would have walked away then. Because from that point on, his destiny was sealed. I turned a friend into just another man I'm not good enough for, another rejection, another man I have to resent.

I went home and everyone knew something had happened. I was happier, lighter, easier, more hopeful. And Jin mde the mistake of feeding the fantasy. Of telling me such things were possible. I didn't believe it. I knew what was coming, I just wasn't expecting it quite so fast.


A month after I got back he went to visit girlfriend. During this month,before he left, he kept me up all night talking on the phone and IM. He wouldn't talk about romance, but I flirted with him hard core. ( He did spill a little bit on one occassion-come on admit it). He talked about being lonely and being used to the sound of my voice. He used me. He won't fully cop to it, but he did. If really didn't want to encourage me he wouldn't have called. He would have been distant. But clearly, self indulgence won out.

And then he came back and he immed me and sure enough he and girlfriend decided to be monogamous. Fabulous. But what triggered my rage, what gave me my righteous indignation was what he said after he told me.

"So I guess we got in under the wire."

and then later, when he was still clueless by how hurt I was "What? You're not going to stop talking to me now that I won't put out."

And that's what did it. That's what brought the wrath upon him. The characterization of what we did just being about sex. So I was a mess and I went on my bad date. I've been a mess all weekend. And today I stayed home from work. I was such a mess I couldn't go in and I havent' ben able to do a fucking thing. And this is why. I received the following email last night ( I've abridged this letter to take out any reference to the girlfriend as she has no idea that my connection to him might led to her appearance on a blog-I still have SOME sense of fair play):

I've managed to be colossally insensitive, haven't I. I was blind. I
interpreted your letters to mean that you felt much as I do: I care for you
dearly and I happily remember our physical intimacy, and I wonder what may
have happened between us under other circumstances. But I never meant to
suggest that I intended to leave *. Now I see that your feelings for
me extended beyond the closest of friendships into hope for a serious
romantic future between us. I realize this too late, after what I thought
was a casual remark has been taken as a rejection.

(That he wonders what might have happened if indicates that not all of his feelings are that of friendhsip-that's if you take that line seriously, which I don't-to me that's a "and here's your lovely consolation prize-things might be different if..." But the other problem here again what I said before whether you miss happiness by an inch or a mile-you missed it- and doesn't matter if you would have made it in some other slightly different parrallel dimension because we have to live in this one.)


This is strange to me because I think of you so fondly that I don't feel
that I want to push you away. The responsibility of setting limits in our
relationship is mine because I'm the one with other entanglements, and
that's all I felt I was doing. There's been sexual tension between us
throughout our friendship, so that since we were together and enjoying each
other so much, and since it was at the time permissible in my relationship
with *, it seemed natural that we indulge our carnal selves. It is no
longer permissible, so I pointed this out.

Um, right cause a comment like "We got in under the wire." really it ia just pointing something out. And by the way, regardless of entanglements, it is not yours to set limits on what was OUR friendship. As it involved both of us, we both can set limits thanks.

My physical desire for you has not diminished - in fact it's grown stronger
now with the tangible imprint of your body, tantalizing memories of your
sensual manifestation - nor will I ever tire of your conversation or your
company, but my situation has changed, and not because of you. The timing
was poor and leads you to a false impression; you were not some kind of
experiment for me to learn what I wanted. I knew what I wanted then and
it's no different than what I want now. I wanted you then and I want you
now. I cared for you then and I care for you now. I say "care" because
I'm too cowardly to say "love", which I fear seems to throw in your face
the difference between how I love you and how you'd like me to love
you. But I do love you, and I always will. You're an important part of my
life, and I don't ever want to lose your friendship. I have been
deliberately standoffish about making plans with you because I knew *
and I were at a crossroads and I wasn't sure what might come of it. I'd
love to visit you in New York, I just don't want you to think it'd be like
Ft Lauderdale. Well, it'd be close, but without the sex. Plenty of
affection, massages, eating together, cooking together, sightseeing,
picnicking, even cuddling - so long as it remains PG. I don't know that
you want to see me again any time soon, but for what it's worth I miss you.

Rereading what I've written so far the letter seems stilted and
uncomfortable. I guess that's about how I feel. I meant this to be a
handwritten mailed reply and I began it that way, but I'm impatient. I
needed you to know how I felt right away. I don't know how to talk to you
now that I've hurt you. I felt that I had your trust, and now I've
oafishly mishandled your feelings and become another one of those men
who've let you down. I feel ashamed. My feelings for you have always been
sincere - I never meant to use you, to trifle with you. I want you to be
happy, but now I may have botched any happiness I could bring you.

If you still never want to speak to me again, I understand. But I don't
like it. I miss you too much to just let you go with a shrug. I'll be
here if you want me, if you ever want to talk. I really hope you do.

And if this was a movie, this would be where Meg Ryan says "And you say these things and make it impossible for me to hate you Harry. And I hate you Harry, I really hate you."

Yep it's all my own damn fault. He even admitted that this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt him. And it's going to hurt me either way. If I continue the friendship, well then, that's like hugging the blade to your heart. I'm always going to feel rejected and resentful. And If I cut off the friendship, well then I'm left without emotional support, which I clearly need. HE HAS HER, he doesn't need me.

And that pisses me off too. Don't me keeping me up half the night on the phone if you have a girlfriend, that's her fuckin' job. Talk to her when you are lonely and can't sleep. Let me focus on the one thing, the only thing I have left, my hateful, underpaid, utterly annoying job. You don't get to have everything, and leave me with nothing-which is the exact situation I am in now.

And the worst part, the very worst part, is exactly like Eric, he would be the one I would call about this, he would be the one to console me.

Not any more.

So I've helped yet another man realize his goals of monogamy. Fabulous. I get a phone call today that my former roommate, V, who went down on everything and the titanic while she had a girlfriend is getting married. L. this dork I went to college with is getting married. My insane friend from childhood is getting married. Hell, this drug using tattooed photographer friend is getting married ( this week actually) and I and I and I can't get a date with a single guy to save my ass. I can't get even a regular gig with a guy who does have a girlfriend, but what I can do, is I can help men get serious about their women.

That's what I'm here for. The Ancient Greeks believed the key to happiness was to know your place. Well I know it now. Right next to the toilet. ( the garbage can)

Bad Bunni posted at 7/21/2003 06:08:00 PM   |  

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