Bunniblog

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Fear Not

Recently I got an email from Blogmonkey, AKA my sockmonkey, complimenting me on my audioblog, but voicing concern about, well, let's use the technical words for it shall we? Suicidal Ideation. Actually that post doesn't make the threshold for suicidal ideation because I didn't actually say I was seriously considering suicide. Most physicians make the distinction between someone actually at risk for suicide and "dramatic comments" by asking the patient if he/she has considered how to commit suicide. If the patient, a la Dorothy Parker comes out with very specific thoughts ie Well, I have my father's gun and I figure I'll go into the bathtub so as to minimize the mess, then the patient will most likely be put on suicide watch as a real risk. On the other hand, if the patient talks about a general desire not to live anymore, but doesn't have any specific ideas about how to kill him/herself, although psychiatric intervention should follow, the patient is not considered to be at risk for an actual suicide attempt and voicing suicidal thoughts is considered in this case to be more of an attention seeking ploy than a genuine expression of intent.

For the record, I generally suffer from chronic depression known as dysthymia. Dysthymics must meet the general criteria for a major depressive episode more days that not for a minimum of two years. In addition, I have suffered from four major depressive episodes. In the span of a normal life, two to three major depressive episodes is considered normal. Some psychologists believe that dysthmia is actually a way of protecting the patient from major depressive episodes or in other words the patient maintains a low level of depression in order to avoid a serious crash that might come after real happiness. To make it simpler, to eliminate the real low and you eliminate the real high, but at the expense of having a much narrow emotional range. When you consider how low the "real low" can get, dysthmia can be a real deal, protecting the sufferer from suicidal depths even at the expense of happiness.

Now, I want to make this absolutely clear. I am in the midst of my fifth major depressive episode. I don't know how long it will last, but the severity is clear. (The last time I began to have symptoms this severe I went on medication for half a year. I am considering that again.) But in all the depressions I've had, even the very worst when Eric left and every day was running the gauntlet of the 200 ways to kill yourself on the way to work and all I wanted to do was die and put an end to the pain, I have never EVER acted on that impulse. I have seriously considered it, but the truth is, and I know this, I can not ever act out that impulse. As I recently told someone concerned about my health, I didn't get to be this age by being an idiot-when I am really at risk, I have always taken appropriate action.

So if you want to be concerned about my self destructive tendencies, ie that I might get myself fired from my job, then you have justification-if you want to be worried about my emotional wellbeing, which is crap, you have justification-but if you think that I am going to attempt to throw myself off the Staten Island Ferry a la Spalding Grey, well, you are wasting your energy, which if you're bored is fine, but just be aware that I am not at risk for that particular behavior. Unless, of course, there is a way to commit suicide using only blue margaritas and coldstone ice cream. Then, I am in big trouble.

Bad Bunni posted at 7/23/2005 01:50:00 PM |

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