The Divine Miss P, also known as my cat, is a rather engaging conversationalist. No, I do not think she actually speaks to me, but she has a a very expressive face. And trust me no one does effortless disdain like a cat. The French only wish they were so good at it.


The other night my cellphone rang while I was in bed. My cat and I were in our regular configuration. She was stretched out at my feet looking away from me, as if to guard me from harm or more likely to prevent burgulars from taking her cat food. She was unphased by the conversation. After I hung up the phone, Isaid to P "I own him." Generally when I speak of men in terms of real estate, it is not a good thing. It means that they have so failed to impress me with their, well, whatever it is men are supposed to have, that I have successfully objectified them to the point I can visit any torture I wish upon them without feeling guilty. My cat opened her yellow eyes wide, "This is supposed to be a good thing, I take it?"
"Well, yes, I could use the ego stroke."
She narrowed her eyes, not closing them, "What the hell is the point of this little exercize? You know this won't last."
"How do I know this?"
She rolled onto her back pointing her toes "Oh, puh-lease the guy doesn't like cats, and you know that means things won't last."
"How does his allergy to cats doom us?"
She rolled onto her side again slowly flicking her tail. "OK let me make it simple, if you had to choose between men and cats, you would choose cats because how many times A DAY do you say you hate men? And how many times have you EVER said you hate cats?"
This is a point. I have never for the record said that I hated cats or even a specific cat. Perhaps dislike, but never hated a cat.
She started to close her eyes again. "Let's face it. If I was a man, I would be the perfect guy for you. Ok so neither us is into the lesbian interspecies thing. The universe is a cruel place. All these men you keep looking for a stand in for me. I mean Ivan was just a cheap hairless P imposter with a cock. Christ he wasn't even that much bigger than me. And incidentally the next time you decide to evict me from my sleeping spot can you show a little more taste."
"Don't start with me. You liked UDR."
She cast a look of disdain over her shoulder. "Oh you would have the bad taste to bring that up."
"Alright well you don't have worry about this one because he's allergic. He won't evict you."
"You know, sometimes I think there is no point talking to people. Then I talk to you and I know it."