A Million Years Ago Tonight**
**This was originally written for my ex-boyfriend while we were dating. This is what happened a year ago today. What a difference a year makes, eh? The comments about editing, which I left it, are from the original draft and are quite prescient considering. The title comes from a song that I sang in acting school called "The Night that Nothing Really Happened."
For me to
write something like this, I actually re-experience the memory. My
memory is very vivid and so it’s literally like going back in time and
reliving something. In fact, when I went back to edit this I noticed I
slowly shifted from past to present tense as I got further into the
piece. The more I immerse myself in the memory, the more it becomes the
present. While this may sound wonderful, in reality, it’s very
depressing. It’s one thing to experience a moment while you’re living it
not knowing the outcome, it’s another thing to go back into a memory
and re-experience it knowing what will happen next. For example, if I
relive a memory of my ex-boyfriend. When I come out of that memory, I go
through losing him all over again.
kept looking at my body that day. You had looked before, quickly, but
generally you kept eye contact. I honestly didn’t think you were that
attracted to me until that afternoon. You kept taking long lingering
looks down my body, my breasts, my spine, my ass. I was supposed to have
a date that night, but I had a bad feeling about it, so I liked the
attention. It made me feel sexy even though I wasn’t trying to be. We
sat and talked as we always do, and you made me laugh.It distracted me from my anxiety about the date.
my date, predictably, cancelled at the 11th hour. You invited me to
your place to watch movies. I knew I shouldn’t go. I had been drinking. I
was upset. These are things that do not make for good decision making. I
left and almost got home and realized where the night was going. I
would go home, get more upset, go out, get trashed, get more upset, wake
up the next day with eyes swollen shut crying and depressed. Or I could
go see you. I called and went to see you.
remember walking into your apartment. I hadn’t known what to expect,
but it was beautiful. I sat on the floor of your man cave and picked out
a movie. I was nervous about it. I wanted it to be something we would
both want to watch, but you weren’t helpful in that regard at all. You
wanted it to be my choice entirely, what I wanted. I picked Snatch and
went into the living room. You brought me a globe of wine, which I
probably shouldn’t have had.
first, I was sitting straight as I always do. In acting school I was
the only person who never got yelled at for poor posture. All those
years in a back brace made me sit up straight all the time, but the wine
took hold of me and after a time I found myself reclining on the couch.
I was so relaxed, dreamy and content. This was actually much nicer than
the date. Finally you took my hand. It was the first time you had
really touched me. Your hand was so soft and warm. It was sweet.
Innocent even. I knew I should pull away, but I was so relaxed, so
happy, it felt so good and it was just my hand after all.
a while, you kissed me. I think I was as surprised as you were that you kissed me. It was a soft hesitant kiss. Gentle. No one had kissed me like
that in years. It was a sweet kiss-vulnerable. But the second and third
were passionate, hungry. You pulled me to you, I could feel the strength
in your arms, like feeling them wrapped around me, pulling me closer.
You commented that I was a good kisser that you knew I would be. I don’t
think it had occurred to me that you ever thought of kissing me before.
I could feel your hands exploring my body caressing my breasts, my ass.
I was surprised by how willing you were in your passion. Then, you
suddenly came to, said “I can’t do this” and we went out on the balcony
to talk. I loved the view. I hadn’t had a view like that since grad
school. It was pleasant out on the balcony. I expected you to ask me to
leave, but you didn’t. I knew that you would kiss me again, that you
wanted to kiss me again.
laid down on the couch, and you started to kiss me, you pulled me onto
your lap, your hands pushing my skirt to my waist. I was wearing a thong
so I was basically half naked. You took my shirt off and ran your hands
over my skin. You started to pull off your pants. I was surprised. I
didn’t think it would go beyond kissing. I told
you we could just lay on the couch and kiss, but now you were committed
to taking me to bed. You stood up to take me to the bedroom and I asked
you if you were sure. You grabbed my hand and pulled me back into your
got me naked quickly. I lay on the bed
while you got naked. Then you were standing at the foot of the bed
completely nude, me lying there waiting. In that moment, I was
terrified. I was terrified of what you would think of me for doing this,
that you would hate me, that we wouldn’t be friends anymore, I was
terrified of what you would think of my body, that I would be a
disappointment in bed. I was even terrified of you. I didn’t expect you
to be so well endowed and I was worried it might hurt. I was terrified
that you didn’t really want me, that I was just a placeholder for someone else, someone absent. I was terrified of myself, how much I wanted
this to happen, how much I wanted you to want me. Then you came towards
me on the bed.
wrapped your arms around and me whispered “Anything but missionary
position” twice. I wasn’t sure why. My first thought was you wanted some
sort of exotic sexual position. I mean, of course, I’m kind of a
fetish-y looking girl, that’s why men want me, so why not? You pulled me
on top of you, and I was surprised how easily we fit together. There
was no pain at all, just pleasure as I rode you while you explored my
body with your hands, on my waist so you could thrust deeper inside me,
cupping my ass as my breasts brushed against you. You even spanked me a
few times. Even though you didn’t enjoy it, I was surprised how hard you
spanked me. Most people start light, but not you, you gave me a
pleasant spank from the beginning. I could feel my skin tingle
you put me on my back. I was worried. This was the position you didn’t
want and I wanted please you, to be what you wanted. But you were so
much deeper that way, I brought my legs up as far as I could and lifted
my hips with each of your thrusts so you could go even farther. I could
feel my orgasm beginning to rise within me. I was surprised how easily
you could get me there. Usually it takes weeks before I allow myself to
go that far with a man, but I trusted you already. I could make a
choice. I could stop it if I wanted to, or I could let myself go. I let
myself go. I wanted you to feel me come. And soon I was, bucking and
screaming and gushing.
In those moments, I was entirely yours. Not just my body, all of me.
I came, still trembling, you rolled off of me and came. I remember
watching the ropes of come spurting from you, how hard you came. I was
impressed. I had given you pleasure, which is what I wanted.
a moment, you went to the bathroom to clean up. I lay unmoving on the
bed. Again, I was worried. Worried you would ask me to leave. Worried
what you would say now that the moment was over. You came back to bed. I
could tell you felt a little nervous, awkward. I reached for your hand
and pulled it over me so you were cupping my breast from behind. I love
that position. You immediately curled around me, both of us relaxed now,
enjoying being so close. It was even more intimate than the lovemaking.
I could feel your breath on my neck. I felt safe and content, and I
fell right to sleep enfolded by you.
I slept fitfully. My earrings kept stabbing me, but I was afraid to
take them off in case I forgot them. Finally I took them off. Later I
was thirsty. I didn’t want to disturb anything in the kitchen so I took
one of your vitamin waters from the dining room. And after that I was
hot. Your body generates so much heat that lying next to you I kept
waking up sweating and throwing off the covers. You would wake up and
cover me back up. I didn’t want to disturb you, but finally I said
something and you turned on the AC. But every time I woke up, you would
reach out and caress me or snuggle me. I remember in the night, you got
up to watch tv for a while. You asked if that was alright, which was
sweet. I said yes and immediately fell back to sleep. When you came back
in, you snuggled against me. I could tell you enjoyed coming back to
curl up with me, enjoyed how I sleepily and instinctively snuggled into
your arms. Every time you reached for me re-assured me and I would fall
the morning, I woke up with my head on your chest. We were entangled in
each others arms and legs. You gently put me on my back and kissed my
breast while your hand explored between my legs. You found how wet I was
already and took me. Again I was worried about the position. I wanted to please you. But
from the moment you entered me, I could feel how close I was to coming.
Again I was surprised how easily you could get me to that point. I gave
into you entirely and came again, gushing over you. You came soon after.
We lay under the covers for a bit talking after that. I wanted to spend
the whole day under there with you, kissing, snuggling, making love,
talking, napping. I knew as soon as we got out of bed this would be
over. You wouldn’t do it again.
you had a funeral to go to. I picked up my earrings and started to get
dressed. As predicted, while I was still naked you started to tell me
how you were sorry but this couldn’t ever happen again. I smiled and
said I know, even though not a woman alive wants to hear that when she’s
naked and only just stopped trembling from love making. Still, I’m used
to it. I got dressed, careful to erase any trace of me.
gathered up the sheets. You were nervous. I was sure you were going to
freak out about this evening and not want to see me ever again. I left
you in the elevator. I walked out with my head held high. I’ve learned
that much from my mother. Never, ever, show shame even if you feel it.
Let the doorman think what he wants, I had a lovely night so fuck his
judgement. I stood outside in the sun and put on my sun glasses feeling
sexy and happy and alive and even though you told me this could never
happen again, I walked all the way down to first avenue just in case the
morning staff of dorrians was there so they wouldn’t see me walking
from the direction of your apartment in my clothes from the day before. I
went to my apartment and napped for a bit.
you don’t know is that night I did go on my date. He was young (25),
tall, blonde, seemingly nice, however, I walked out on him. He had some
terrible political views and instead of doing what I would normally do
and just smile and nod and wait for the date to be over, I decided he
wasn’t worth my time and I just got up and left. I went home and to
sleep. I was supposed to see you the next day. I wasn’t sure I would,
but I hoped so. I was looking forward to just being with you and
talking, which is precisely what happened.
And then a week later, you kissed me in the sun in Central Park. Never has a way of coming around far too soon.
Labels: ex-boyfriend, heartbreak loss, sadness, sex
Bad Bunni posted at 10/01/2012 11:18:00 PM