"And I believe that the battle of the network stars should be fought with guns" Steve Martin on the Original Saturday Night Live (a monologue entitled "What I Believe")

Man: Are you a fuckin' lawyer?
Woman: Depends on who I'm with.-Other People's Money

Lord so much has happened so much that I want to write about but like an autistic who wants to be hugged yet can not stand it at the same time, I don't want to write about this "stuff" and I do all at the same time. There is the whole thursday, friday, saturday situations to write about, but really it is the same story to different variant degrees: I go out and meet some guy who I feel some sort of connection with and then he is utterly disappointing in his predictability and/or lack of genuine interest or I go out and I have fun with my friends, but at the same time I feel seperate from them. The loneliness is ever present. It is becoming something that I don't even question. I don't even have men to focus romanctic fantasies about. According the Freud, happy people don't dream, but how unhappy are those who have given up dreaming because of the futility, that there is no point in even dreaming. I still dream of eric from time to time, he has haunted my dreams far more than my father did after his death. Even when I slept I could not escape, even now, even now there are moments. I come across pictures, half written letters, restaurants. Last nightSweet and Lowdown was on tv. We watched that movie together and loved it. We were supposed to see Curse of the Jade Scorpion together. It never happened. I do not know if he has seen the film since. I did. One night it was on pay per view. I was staying inside, as I did often then, and watching movies from my bed. I couldn't sleep even with four clonazepam, a sleeping pill, and two coronas in my system so I decided to buy it, to show him in my own sad way that I could do this without him. So I watched it. It wasn't a great film. I was glad I was only half awake and yet I wondered about the conversation that we would have had about the film (the style, some of the ideas) after all it was with me that he saw the film Sleeper. Even now I find it so hard to write about. I feel the tightness in my chest. Writers have one of the highest incidents of alcoholism. Although, according to some research, as many as one in twelve Americans is an alcoholic (and there many different types or gradation of alcholic-functional, binge, etc. etc.), one in three writers is an alcholic. Certainly if you ask a person for the name of an alcholic writer it is certainly easy for them to recall at least one(Hemingway is usually the first one that people will name, but the list is long even off the top of my head: F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charles Bukowski, Dorothy Parker, and Tennessee Williams). But it true, what Ring Lardner Jr says in "I'd Hate Myself in the Morning" that writers are probably partially alcholic to help them deal with the darkness that they must draw upon for their works. (Lardner also wrote his first academy award winning script at 26-doesn't that make me feel good about my life).

The idiot professor, as I have come to think of him (I should come up with a better name-perhaps pseudo Buddha doesn't have a good ring to it maybe Kerouac II after his failed novel-well not yet failed-about Kerouac) came into the computer lab to thank me for everything. Of course I haven't heard from him since wednesday which means that A things were going well with Liz the wonder mutt B that because things went well he was afraid to talk to me because he thinks that I won't approve. As if my approval matters. As I always tell him listen you are the only one who has to live with every one of your acts. So there fore, if it is ok with you, it doesn't matter what some one like me, who has a limited exposure to you, thinks about you and your decision making process. Although to some degree I understand, this guy I was talking to at Fitizie's this weekend, Justin, (not the Beast a different Justin-The Beast has not called back as anticipated). Damien (you remember the anti christ I mentioned in last week's post) came in and was talking to me and part of the reason why I was so cool to him was because I worried about what Justin thought of me talking to an idiot like Damien (and yes he is an idiot). It's strange that I would care more about what Justin thinks of my behavior then what I myself think of my behavior. But then again isn't that just another symptom of low self esteem?

I should of course give a proper description of everything that has gone on, but I'm not quite in the right mood yet. Also I have manyother things that I need to do first. I also am seriously contemplating the eric letter posting which I need to work on. Maybe I will post sections and take votes. Of course previously when I have looked to my viewers for feedback they have disappointed me. So now you can tell me what you think I should do. A nothing and allow eric's graduation to go by unremarked and unaddressed B send him a letter/email C post an open letter/email to him here and then send him the link D post the open letter/email here and then not send him the link E some as yet unthought of option. If you have a write in vote or any opinion of any kind or wish to know why I would even after all of this contemplate contacting him, haven't I been rejected enough? then feel free to write me some feedback. Or send this page to your friends and ask them what they think.