And now for a new stylistic impulse it's bunniblog stream of consciousness style

On the way out of the ballroom Edi (short for Eduard the Russian version of Edward) has the bluest eyes he is from Siberia not until I started dancing with the Russians did I ever want to see Russia or Siberia I find myself sometimes looking up pictures of Russia on the net looking for words like "teatr" so I can ask them if Iam saying it correctly Tony Riccio I believe the first person I knew from high school to die (class of '92) and I believe the first casualty of the class of '92 went to Russia many times when he was in high school my high school actually taught Russia Tony claimed that he survived on MacDonald's there that the food was terrible Tony would actually die in Russia although none of us knew it then he was murdered strangled and hung out his window although it was supposedly a robbery there were rumors that it was done by the government although I hadn't talked to Tony for years so why the government would want to kill him is beyond me we all felt the loss though I remember coming to visit Laurie my best friend during new year's eve (what year was that 96?) and Ziner, who always protected me from all of the drug abuse going on around me-Ziner who had wanted to go out with me, but for reasons he could never articulate never asked-although I suspect reason number one was fear of rejection and reason number two was to protect me from guys like himself-which considering what I later discovered about his drug use he was one of the only people I ever met who admit to shooting up horse tranquilizers he took me into the living room and told me that Tony was dead that he had been murdered I had found out that Lauren Klatzkin who had the same birthday as me lauren who had bright red hair and a voice like she had been gargling with hot asphalt had gone into the hospital for routine tests and then died suddenly that night in the hospital apparently she had cancer but what killed her was a blood clot just a random sudden death there were so many other things I was going to write about when I started this I was going to write about my walking home that I feel fat all the time lately last year at least I felt I was a sexy beast I barely eat at all but I'm not losing any wait I mean so far today I've had a croissant a bagel with cream cheese and a cup of soup ( two cups of tea and a lemonade to drink) you want to tell me that is even close to 2000 calories a day? I don't eat fast food or anything friend of any candy or chocolate ok so I eat carbs, but c'mon I should be losing weight of course part of it is my ass and thighs are actually all muscle from dancing but on top of everything else where I used to believe I was damn sexy now I simply believe that I'm ok and that it's mainly the way I dress I so want to smoke been wanting to smoke since monday but I have resisted the urge Fitzpatrick's is now an overwhelmingly popular place since it has decided to flout the smoking ban when I walked by at eight fifteen all the seat at the bar were full which on a tuesday at eight is like a miracle I've never seen it like this even mark has decided to come back and work at Fitzpatrick's I saw him on the street today he looks awful so pale its' hard to believe that last year at this time he and were hanging out like every week that we occassionally slept over at his place-even in the same bed-although in a perfectly platonic way platonic of course doesn't mean the same thing it initiately did but in this case there was nothing romantic or sexual or sensual at all going on but still its wierd to think that we were such close friends and he borrowed books and we used to have conversations about all kinds of things and now he won't hug me or even talk to me for that long to be sure he was interested in me but I wasn't going to get involved any way now Fitzpatrick's is the popular plce to be and I hate it I liked it being a neighbor hood place that I didn't have to worry about getting a seat or fending off the drunken hordes on a god damned tuesday I'm so exhausted time to go to sleep although perhaps I should go to the deli first and get a snack something light christ of all things on top of it all now I get to be fat