Dag nab it I just wrote this big post and then I got kicked off and its gone. And I don't want to sit here and type the whole thing over again. I'm in a bad mood today. Partially because I'm still sleep deprived from tuesday night. I suppose that is the sign of a good night out (two or three days of recovery) and I'll be going again tonight with the people from the computer lab (please see the I can be with them but not of them post-perhaps this will change-or will there always be some sort of boundary?) My apartment is a wreck and on some levels I'm getting worse. The depression is on some levels getting better. I mean, do I look more well adjusted? yes. I'm not drinking every night like I used to (in fact aside from this week I usually only go out once a week if that-of course I didn't go out at all this weekend so that's why tuesday was "an acceptable loss") But I am more worried about myself > ihave less hope than I did last year and I'm beginning to age. In a few months I've gone from looking young to looking ym age. It's the depression that is aging me, but I don't know what to do about it. last year at this time I had hope of getting of the depression, I was in therapy and on medication and going to the gym. Now I'm still in therapy as I have been for seven years, but I show no signs of getting better. And I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of fighting for everything and always losing ground. Maybe it is time to beat a retreat. Maybe it is time to gracefully surrender, with some sort of honor and dignity. Because I have done so many things I'm ashamed of in the desperate hope of feeling better and nothing works. I've tried behavior modification, the gym, dancing, shopping, being out of the apartment, doing things I want to do (the cruise etc) nothing is working. There are so many things that worse that dying. People keep telling me I'm lucky. right, I'm lucky because I lived. I'm lucky to have survived. And I want to tell these people there are so many things worse than death. I should know because I've lived throught a lot of them. And I'm tired. I want something to come easy. Something to cheer me up. And the first person who says "buck up little camper" is going to be smacked.
Told you, bad bad mood.

Inspirational Quote of the Day:
Woman: How do you live with yourself?

Man: because no one else will do it for me. Other People's Money