"Every once in a while, you have to look around and say, 'What the fuck?'"- Wall Street as quoted by my high school geometry teacher

Let me see if I can recount the horror and the pain and the utter dpression of these two days. Ok so I'm dealing with the whole Eric graduating thing. That's right I MENTIONED his name. Last week was his birthday (22), and then thursday to meet rich and company I had to walk through union square the place I've avoided since september 2001. It was the place where Eric and I first kissed, and he first told me he loved me (in front of the Barnes and Noble on 17th street). There was a statue there where was sat and kissed the first night we met each other. When Eric decided to leave the statue got torn up (some symbolic events in life are too perfect) the statue has been restored but not my relationship. He is graduating soon and I will lose the ability to know where he is. I can't help thinking "how can he do this?" How can he graduate with out a word to me? After all I did for him? After all we meant to each other? How can he just vanish? And not wonder what happened to the girl he thought he wanted to marry? On one level I want to send him some sort of letter (I've been thinking of posting it here instead of sending it and therefore getting some sort of satisfaction) and on the other I never want to see him again. I want to tell him to leave. I don't care where you go, just get out of my city. I was here first. You know how you were always afraid you were going to move back to Las Vegas? Have a nice trip. I'll be you the U-Haul truck. It's a big world-go live in it. Of course, that was the grand irony of what I had done, he was worried when I met him that he was going to move back to Las Vegas. And then I sold him New York. Like a total idiot. As Ashley Judd says in the film "Somebody Like You" (which I have indavertently watched 8 times thanks to HBO showing it night and day-and yes I find Hugh Jackman attractive, but they could alternate it with X-men.) "What is that they say about the love of a good woman? If given freely it's sure to turn around and bite her in the ass."

Then on top of that remember the prof. I mentioned all those weeks ago about having the serious relationship problem? Well, his beloved sent him the "i want to pick up my stuff" email. Did I see that coming? Did I call it? Now after all the advice that I gave, does he even take me out for coffee as a thank you? No he vanishes until he has relationship problems and then he's hanging out in my cubicle, he's calling me at home (I had to cut him off for Six Feet Under-a girl has limits). But its all about him. Yet again I play the psychotherapist. This guy is sitting in his office and I'm giving him advice which I preface with "Like all the best advice it's extremely simple and yet utterly impossible to do" and then I say "You have to move on and do other things." Now when I wa sin his position I was rolling around on the floor, totally incoherent with heartbreak. And he says to me "Do you know what you are asking me to do?" Do I know? Yes, absolutely. In fact, I know better than you do because I've been living here for two years. I couldn't read for three months, and unlike you, I didn't even have people who were willing to listen to my nonsensical ranting. Well, initially I did, but then after a while people got bored, people wanted me to be better, and clearly I am not, but I can pretend to BE better. My favorite is when people say "Oh I didn't know." I'm like "Listen I was drag assin' around the office for five months hiding in my cubicle crying, clearly not sleeping or eating at all and you didn't notice? People what was ai supposed to do? Advertise in the Sunday New York Times?"

Lord I have to go to therapy, but I'm having a lot of issues. But then we already know that.