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Down With Love: An Anti Valentine's Day Rant

"Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap." -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Not entirely true. Valentine's day actually pre-dates Jesus. Like most Christian holidays, Valentine's Day was originally a Roman holiday called Lupercalia. Although there are slightly different ideas about the origins of Lupercalia, it is clear it was a Roman holiday associated with wolves. The Romans were not particularly known for their warm and fuzzy holidays, and it seems that this one was no exception. One of the details that almost all agree upon is the voluntary whipping of pregnant women by half naked men wearing goatskins. The women were eager to be whipped as it alledgedly ensured fertility and easy childbearing. Not exactly the type of thing you want to put on the front of a greeting card, but it gets points for creativity.

"Don't threaten me with love, baby." -Billie Holliday 1

So Valentine's Day originally started as a cruel holiday, and it continues to be a cruel holiday. I can't tell you how much restraint it has taken for me to listen to women talk about their Valentine's Day weddings, their romantic weekend get away plans, their hopes of diamonds or jewelry, even their smug assurance that someone will say "I love you" to them and maybe even mean it and not kill someone. If I have to make a choice between being whipped by a guy in a goatskin and having to suffer two months of people reminding me how lonely, pathetic ,and unlovable I am I don't even have to think about it; I'll take the whipping. *

"Am I bitter? Absolutely." -Trick

If I sound like someone who is bitter about Valentine's day to you, you're right. Last year I spent Valentine's day in my local bar with only Howard the odoriferous lawyer and Capt. Ron as my companions. I didn't even get a call from my gay husband. (The next day I found out that he spent Valentine's day in the ER due to a lung infection.) Even when I have had boyfriends on Valentine's day, for the most part, the day still sucked big moose cock. I could give you the list of horrifying Valentine's day tales but really what would be the point? If you would like to refresh your memory, you can go here or here. ( Incidentally, if you follow the first link, there is a picture of Texas T and Irish Eyes. They are now married and despite the fact that last year at this time Irish Eyes was told he had three months to live, I saw them just a few days ago at the Lion's Den. Mind you nine days after Irish Eyes and Texas T met he gave her a gold claddaugh ring on Valentine's Day. There is no justice. None. Just in case you were wondering.)

"When a man loves a woman, he will do anything for her except continue to love her"- Oscar Wilde 2

The good news is that I am not alone in my hostility towards the holiday. It seems the internet is full of fellow Anti-Valentine's Day agitators. One blogger came up with a list of potential Anti Valentine's Day merchandise . You can investigate fascinating Anti Valentine's Day statistics, like 15% of American women send themselves flowers on Valentines Day, at the Anti-V Day forum. There is no shortage of t-shirt vendors who will help you advertise your particular take on the holiday. You can while away the day enjoying Anti Valentine's day sites like Anti Valentine's Day Central, or cruising the links of the unfortunately now retired Anti Valentine's Day Page. You can send your single friends cycnical e-Valentine's from NerdElite or Saw II (now available on DVD). Curl up on the couch and watch any assortment of non-romantic films like Zombie Honeymoon, Swimming With Sharks, The Valentine's Day Episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, My Bloody Valentine, or an American Werewolf in London.

"If you break up with somebody you better turn your radio off for at least two or three years because there are radio stations whose sole existence is to make lonely people commit suicide" -Richard Jeni from his special "Platypus Man"

The well prepared Anti-Valentine's enthusiast can still generate a fairly decent soundtrack for the day. A suggested curmudgeon's playlist would probably include: "Girlfriend in a Coma" by Smiths, Tom Lehrer's "Masochism Tango" or "She's My Girl", The Reverend Horton Heat's "Bath-Water Blues" or "Where in the Hell did you go with my Toothbrush?", Bobby Darin's"Down With Love", Judy Garland's "I Will Come Back", Adam Sandler's "Somebody Kill Me", and any "love song" written or performed by Sam Kinison.

So there you have it. Everything to help you survive one of the most sadistic holidays ever invented and just remember as Lily Tomlin says, "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

*It seems some enterprising individuals have heard my plea and actually have tried to revive Lupercalia.

1 and 2 Quotations courtesy of A Curmudgeon's Garden of Love edited by Jon Winokur
This post is a reprint of post that was originally posted on February 13th, 2006.

Labels: bad valentine's days, bitterness, loneliness, origin of valentine's day

Bad Bunni posted at 2/13/2007 08:05:00 AM |

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