Paris Diaries: The Rules
Before we go any further, I should probably share with you The Rules by which I live when I am in Paris. They are very simple, but here they are.

1.Do what you want and fuck whatever anyone else thinks. This means if you wake up and don't feel like going to Louvre, but want to just traipse around discovering little side streets, you should do that because you can not fuck up Paris. No matter what you do it will be an adventure of delight and discovery.

2. Since most drinks are as expensive as wine and coffee, you shouldn't bother with anything other than wine or coffee. Hard cider, a drink favored by the Bretons, is also acceptable. Water should be purchased at a supermarchette, where it is the cheapest. If you do order a cocktail, it better be a Kir Royale and not a Long Island Iced Tea.

3.No cellphones, ipods, discmans, or internet usage. The point of going to Paris is to be completely in the moment with sensory distraction. I don't want you to be in Louvre answering phone calls saying, "Yeah I'm in the Louvre on the Da Vinci Code Audio Tour. Can you hear me now?" Telephone calls from your hotel room are permitted as one must check on the cat sitter. Cameras are also permitted as long as you look at the object first and photograph it second. Do not simply look at things through the viewfinder.

4. No audio tours of any kind. This is especially true of movie themed audio tours.

5. No dieting of any kind. You can order and eat whatever you want.

6. Never use the hotel dining room, even for breakfast. Go out and have croissants and coffee even if it just at the cafe across the street.

7. Only sleep with men who have a limited knowledge of English. This way if you blow him off and later change your mind you can always excuse it as a misunderstanding.

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