Anti-Valentine's Day Redux: Surely Darius the Great Would Sympathize
Now playing: Bobby Darin - Down With Love
via FoxyTunes

I'm tired, sick, and pissy.
Here is a historic peek at how to do, or not do, V-day Bunni-style.

From 2007: Dating Should Never be Like Filing Your Taxes

I know in the past here we have kidded around with having a dating Bunni application (which I think I need to reinstate including such questions as "What would most effectively describe your attitude towards watching a film with subtitles? A. That's OK as long as there is some hot sex scene during which I can rest my brain B Movies are supposed to be light entertainment, not a reading comprehension quiz C Uh, you think I can read? Wow, that's cool.") I have received courtesy of MySpace a Valentine Application which I have been requested to fill out.

I dunno, but to me it seems like something only slightly LESS exciting than filing my taxes. My personal favorite question, "Have you ever broken my heart?" Um, well if you didn't notice, probably not. I have decided to "make my own" Valentine Application. Feel free to have fun with the format.

This is the " Valentine Application."

Everyone knows there's at least one person on myspace that you want to be your Valentine. Here's the application for that special someone. Let's see who replies back with the following filled out.

Area 1:
Please provide positive answers.
Do you Drive:
State You Live In:
May I Call You:
Single or Taken:
Would You Date Me:
Kiss On First Date:
Will You Send This Back To Me?:

Area 2:
What would you do if I...
I made a move on u:
I kissed you:
I lived next door to you:
I started smoking:
I asked you on a date:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got into a fight and you weren't there?
I asked u out?

Area 3:
What do you think about my...

Area 4:
Have you ever....
Lied to make me feel better?
Wanted to kiss me?
Wanted to kill me?
Broke my heart?
Kept something important from me?

Area 5:
"X" marks the spot
[ ]Kiss me..
[ ]Hug me..
[ ]Date me..
[ ]grab my ass..
[ ]Kill me..
[ ]fuck me ...
[ ]Love me..
[ ]Hate me..
[ ]Hold me..
[ ]Lie to me..
[ ]Hurt me..
[ ]Sing with me..
[ ]Dance with me..
[ ]Grind with me..
[ ]Cuddle with me..
[ ]Let me make a move on you..
[ ]Make a move on me..
[ ]Watch a movie with me..
[ ]Get me a B-day gift..
[ ]Let me borrow your car..
[ ]Be there for me..
[ ]Buy me a drink..
[ ]Bring me around your friends..
[ ]Give me a massage..
[ ]Drink kool-aid with me..
[ ]Take advantage of me..
[ ]Hangout with me...
[ ]Take care of me if I wasn't feeling good..
[ ]Hold hands with me..
[ ]Do something incredibly sweet for me..
[ ]tell me you love me

Bunni's Valentine Application
Please provide positive answers.
Religious Affiliation:
Social Security Number:
Degree of Education Achieved:
Psychiatric Diagnosis (Please use the DSM-IV R):

Area 2:
What would you do if I...
quoted an obscure 12th Century text:
did an interpretive dance about my feelings:
set fire to my place of employment and ran:
called you at 2 am and asked you to get pink bunny peeps:
asked if you wanted to see a movie with subtitles:
introduced you to an attractive friend of mine:
edited your Ph. D thesis:
gave you my phone number:
sought the aid of a life coach:

Area 3:
What do you think about my...

Area 4:
Have you ever....
Asked for a phone number for a woman even though you would rather go through dental surgery than call her?
Been hospitalized for psychiatric reasons?
Attempted to skip out on bail?
Thought that seeing an Elvis impersonator would be really cool?
Held a hostage longer than 2 years?
Tasted male tears?

V-Day 2006: Down With Love

"Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap." -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Not entirely true. Valentine's day actually pre-dates Jesus. Like most Christian holidays, Valentine's Day was originally a Roman holiday called Lupercalia. Although there are slightly different ideas about the origins of Lupercalia, it is clear it was a Roman holiday associated with wolves. The Romans were not particularly known for their warm and fuzzy holidays, and it seems that this one was no exception. One of the details that almost all agree upon is the voluntary whipping of pregnant women by half naked men wearing goatskins. The women were eager to be whipped as it allegedly ensured fertility and easy childbearing. Not exactly the type of thing you want to put on the front of a greeting card, but it gets points for creativity.

"Don't threaten me with love, baby." -Billie Holliday 1

So Valentine's Day originally started as a cruel holiday, and it continues to be a cruel holiday. I can't tell you how much restraint it has taken for me to listen to women talk about their Valentine's Day weddings, their romantic weekend get away plans, their hopes of diamonds or jewelry, even their smug assurance that someone will say "I love you" to them and maybe even mean it and not kill someone. If I have to make a choice between being whipped by a guy in a goatskin and having to suffer two months of people reminding me how lonely, pathetic ,and unlovable I am I don't even have to think about it; I'll take the whipping. *

"Am I bitter? Absolutely." -Trick

If I sound like someone who is bitter about Valentine's day to you, you're right. Last year I spent Valentine's day in my local bar with only Howard the odoriferous lawyer and Capt. Ron as my companions. I didn't even get a call from my gay husband. (The next day I found out that he spent Valentine's day in the ER due to a lung infection.) Even when I have had boyfriends on Valentine's day, for the most part, the day still sucked big moose cock. I could give you the list of horrifying Valentine's day tales but really what would be the point? If you would like to refresh your memory, you can go here or here. ( Incidentally, if you follow the first link, there is a picture of Texas T and Irish Eyes. They are now married and despite the fact that last year at this time Irish Eyes was told he had three months to live, I saw them just a few days ago at the Lion's Den. Mind you nine days after Irish Eyes and Texas T met he gave her a gold claddaugh ring on Valentine's Day. There is no justice. None. Just in case you were wondering.)

"When a man loves a woman, he will do anything for her except continue to love her"- Oscar Wilde 2

The good news is that I am not alone in my hostility towards the holiday. It seems the internet is full of fellow Anti-Valentine's Day agitators. One blogger came up with a list of potential Anti Valentine's Day merchandise . You can investigate fascinating Anti Valentine's Day statistics, like 15% of American women send themselves flowers on Valentines Day, at the Anti-V Day forum. There is no shortage of t-shirt vendors who will help you advertise your particular take on the holiday. You can while away the day enjoying Anti Valentine's day sites like Anti Valentine's Day Central, or cruising the links of the unfortunately now retired Anti Valentine's Day Page. You can send your single friends cycnical e-Valentine's from NerdElite or Saw II (now available on DVD). Curl up on the couch and watch any assortment of non-romantic films like Zombie Honeymoon, Swimming With Sharks, The Valentine's Day Episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, My Bloody Valentine, or an American Werewolf in London.

"If you break up with somebody you better turn your radio off for at least two or three years because there are radio stations whose sole existence is to make lonely people commit suicide" -Richard Jeni from his special "Platypus Man"

The well prepared Anti-Valentine's enthusiast can still generate a fairly decent soundtrack for the day. A suggested curmudgeon's playlist would probably include: "Girlfriend in a Coma" by Smiths, Tom Lehrer's "Masochism Tango" or "She's My Girl", The Reverend Horton Heat's "Bath-Water Blues" or "Where in the Hell did you go with my Toothbrush?", Bobby Darin's"Down With Love", Judy Garland's "I Will Come Back", Adam Sandler's "Somebody Kill Me", Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made for Walkin', The Beatles "I'm a Loser" and any "love song" written or performed by Sam Kinison.

So there you have it. Everything to help you survive one of the most sadistic holidays ever invented and just remember as Lily Tomlin says, "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

*It seems some enterprising individuals have heard my plea and actually have tried to revive Lupercalia.
1 and 2 Quotations courtesy of A Curmudgeon's Garden of Love edited by Jon Winokur

And finally as with all things I end with Paris on V-Day 2005:

"You bitch, you cheated on me when I had cancer."

I know I promised you a post about the end of Paris, but one of my very close friends, one of the people responsible for that first trip to Paris, died on friday morning. I found out when some pompous twit pontificating in my favorite coffee shop at the top of his lungs about my friend's medical history casually announced that my friend had passed away. When the person I was having coffee with told him that maybe this wasn't the best way for me to find out, his defense was "Oh I thought you already knew." Friends, if and when I end up in the hospital please do me the favor of discussing the details of my medical history sotto voce in public. I do not want the entire hearing community to know about when I was on dialysis or taken off a ventilator.
And while I was still reeling from this news, I was also told that my favorite bar, let me say this again, MY FAVORITE BAR, which is something akin to saying my favorite thing to breathe, suddenly closes. People I am a delicate creature. Much like tropical fish, I do not tolerate major changes to my environment. Don't change the temperature. Don't bang on the glass. Leave that wierd little faux scuba guy right where he is.

Needless to say this is not the way I wanted to spend my Valentine's Day. Sorting through a dead man's papers so that when his daughters, who never bothered to visit him while he was in the hospital for three months, finally arrive, they will not have to deal with a mess. I don't even have the consolation of a drink at my favorite watering hole. I mean knew it wasn't going to be a good day, but I wasn't prepared for it be quite this bad of a day.

My general attitude towards love and romance could be summed up by an incident that happened this weekend. Saturday night, when all of us were having a last hurrah at F's, a fight broke out on the street. A girl was pushing her boyfriend. Finally the man hauled off and shoved her into the street. "You bitch," he said, "you cheated on me when I had cancer." Whil V-day is supposed to be celebrating the best that life has to offer, it often brings out the worst in the interest of getting people to spend money. If Hallmark doesn't get your cash, that, most likely, Stoli vodka or your therapist will.

If my friend were still alive, I'm sure we would sit in our coffee place and he would draw pictures of the people there and I would offer my sarcastic criticism of love, I would narrow my eyes at men bearing roses and balloons, I would secretly wish for them to burst or wilt on the spot, and he would go on, acting like he is ignoring the whole rant, perhaps he would play a game of chess with bland lawyer. And in the end, he would tell me to go back to Paris where the men will throw themselves into the Seine for the love of me. He will tell me that perhaps my problem is that my expectations are too high. And then, with his light Alabama accent, he would put his hand on my shoulder and say "I understand. Surely Darius the Great would sympathize."

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