Salt + Old Wound
Several years ago, I was friends with an older man. I referred to him here as Notorious B.I.G. He was actually the father of one of my favorite bartenders. Anyway, one night at the bar I met Notorious B.I.G., and we got to talking about Richard the Third. He was apparently so impressed that he talked about me to his son often.

To make a long story short, B.I.G. and I became friends. We would often have dinner together at the place on the corner and discuss politics, history, the media, and other ideas. It was invigorating to actually be able to talk to someone who could thoughtfully discuss these issues and over time I became attracted to him. It was truly an intellectual attraction. I enjoyed being able to talk to him and be with him. He made me feel less alone.

Anyway, we were friends for about 2 years. During part of this time, I was seeing someone. Still, I was fairly clear about my attraction to B.I.G. My friend, while he acknowledged being attracted, said there was no point because 1 he was too old for me and 2 he didn't have time for a girlfriend. The idiot who I was dating broke up with me right before thanksgiving meaning that I had to run the gauntlet holidays to commit suicide by single. I was truly heartbroken and B.I.G. knew that I was becoming very depressed.

Now, admittedly here's where things get bad. Close to my birthday, B.I.G. called me to have dinner with him. I was having drinks with a female friend when he called. I explained I was with a friend, and he said to bring her along.

So what happened next? B.I.G. proceeded to hit on her in front of me by talking to her about how concerned he was about my mental wellbeing as if I wasn't there. So there I am at a table-and he's using my depression to hit on her while acting in a way that would only aggravate my feelings of worthlessness. I decided to go home. I mean, I could at least protect my own feelings, as he didn't seem to have any interest in doing so.

The next day my female friend told me that she agreed to go dinner with him. They became a serious item, and I stopped speaking to both of them. I stopped speaking to him because I didn't want to be friends with a guy who cared so little about protecting my feelings. I communicated with her in a distant way for awhile until it became clear that I couldn't be friends with her if I wasn't going to be friends with him.

Now ALL of this happened 2 years ago. I see them, as all of us live in the same hood, but I've never spoken or even waved at them in all that time. As I said, B.I.G. and I used to hang at the same resto all the time. There were other regulars, including one with whom I still see there and sometimes chat with. He knows all the parties involved, but not what happened really.

Last night, the reg and I happen to being chatting and he tells me that he has spoken to BIG about me. BIG claims he wants to be friends with me again. I keep saying that I'm not interested, but the reg, not knowing the whole story, keeps pushing the issue. Apparently, BIG deeply misses me.

Who wouldn't?

In college, they called me the boomerang. Even when men left, they would come back-somewhere between 3 days and 2 years later. I'm a rare person. Sometimes, it takes a while for a man to figure that out, but he eventually does and comes back.

Me? I'm rarely, if ever, interested.

So this little episode has the effect of opening up an old wound just to pour salt on it.

I'm still so pissed about it I decided to write the following letter to him as I no longer have any of his contact info.


Last night ***, one of the regulars from ********, told me that you had brought up my name and said you would like to be friends with me again. Now this disturbs me for a few reasons. One, if you would like to be friends with me, you should bring it up with directly me and not involve other people. I don't like having to defend my choices esp. to those not in the know about what happened. I'm sending this as a letter because I value privacy and don't wish to speak through third parties.

Two, I think I've made my stance perfectly clear. I was very hurt by your behavior several years ago and don't wish to be friends with someone who cares so little about protecting my feelings. Nothing has occurred to change my mind about the validity of that decision.

Finally, I long ago made my peace with what happened. I don't want to revisit it, and this whole episode has been akin to opening an old wound just to pour salt on it.

If you ever valued my friendship, leave me alone and don't talk about me with ***.


So what do you think blogosphere?

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Brava for you. There's no reason to let "friends" that treat you like crap back into your life.
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