Most people forget that Gremlins was indeed a Christmas movie. Gizmo is an early Christmas present for Billy played by Zach Galligan who also starred in Gremlins 2 as well as Waxworks 1 and 2. (It may surprise you to know that Zach still acts, but he does and is appearing in Hachet 3.) Also in a small role is a very young Corey Feldman as a tree delivery boy, Judge Rheinhold as a yuppie jerk, and for all you Breaking Bad fans Jonathan Banks as scaredy cat Deputy Brent. The premise is simple: Billy is given Gizmo, a mogwai, and instructed about three rules. Billy must keep Gizmo
 1. from bright lights, which hurt him, and sunlight, which will kill him
2. water which causes him to reproduce
3. eating after midnight, which spurs a transformation from fluffy cuteness to green scaly nastiness

Predictably Billy fails rules 2 and 3 and thus the town is overrun by psychotic creatures until Gizmo
and Billy manage to save the day by killing all the gremlins. Gremlins alternate being flat out homicidal, particularly Stripe, to cartoonishly silly. Particularly in the pub scene you have Gremlins imitating humans-flashing, breakdancing, cheating at cards, but not actually doing more than scaring the bartender (Billy's love interest played by Phoebe Cates). It's surprising given the popularity of Gremlins (remember the days when you couldn't drive on the highway without seeing a Gizmo suction cupped to the indoor of a car? I do.) that it only spawned one sequel. It inspired many knock off including Ghoulies and, particularly, Critters. While Gremlins only made it to two, Critters made it to four and managed to feature the talents of Leonardo Dicaprio (three) and Angela Basset (four).


Gremlins manages to be movie that not only holds up surprisingly well, it also manages to balance scary and funny moments. It's not quite an American Werewolf in London, but there are some real scares and the death of Stripe is particularly gross (I mean that in a good way). But wait, isn't this supposed to be about Christmas? Yes, it is! The movie offers Christmas-y goodness like Billy's mom crying while watching It's a Wonderful Life, but more importantly it is filled with lots of moments for those of us who get down on Christmas-from a Gremlin's head being tossed in the fire like a yule log to Phoebe Cates talking about how her father died on Christmas coming down the chimney.

Basically, it's a great movie and you should watch it.

Now as you notice I have a lot of viewing I have not written about and I'm going to fix that so generations to come can also enjoy some weird Christmas viewing or at the very least my reviews of weird Christmas viewing. However, tonight I am getting my happy ass to holiday karaoke to rock Santa, Baby.

But don't give up on me yet, there will be 25 reviews here soon. Mark my damn words.

Labels: christmas, christmas movies, horror christmas movies

I know I was going strong there for a bit, but last week was the last week of classes so the big push to get papers DONE for the last class (I made it) followed by a petite cat crisis and then a large holiday crisis: my uncle Dan passed away. This makes Dan the second relative to die close to christmas in the last five years. See why the christmas spirit is so difficult for me?  Doesn't help the other one is my grandmother so my mother is already in the wallowing in sadness portion of the holiday.

Dan was a larger than life character. He had a huge booming voice that preceded him, but he was always jovial and welcoming. Long before he'd enter a room, I'd hear him calling out "Is that Bunni and Mere Lapin? C'mere you." And he'd hug us and give us kisses on the cheek. I always associated Dan with Christmas because he and his wife would host a huge christmas party on christmas eve with drinks, games, a huge food spread, and an appearance by santa with gifts for the young children. Some of my relatives remember seeing me spotting santa in the snow outside Dan's house. He bought a jukebox in the 80s, which had christmas songs like Jingle Bell Rock, a song I still associate with him (and strangely had just bought a version of it off iTunes three days before he died).

Dan's house was a short walk through woods from my grandmother's former house. I remember many times loading up with gifts and merely walking through the snowy woods towards the sounds of laughter and Christmas songs coming from his house. The day after Christmas all the kids would get together and play games-Trivial Pursuit usually-or sing karaoke. It was the one time of year, I saw that side of the family. In recent years because of Dan and his wife's age, his daughters took over hosting. Same party, same food, same guests, same spirit, just a different venue. His one daughter would jam every inch of her house with Christmas decor right down to the toilet paper (no joke). I got tired just looking at all the things she set up on her mantle-houses, angels, snowmen, santas, elves, reindeer, presents... I hope this will not kill her Christmas spirit in the future.

Sadly, after my grandmother died three years ago, my mother and I didn't venture back to visit on Christmas Eve. With Nana gone, we had no place to stay that night and so instead we made our Christmas at my mother's house. While it's obviously more comfortable and easier than a three hour drive to stay at a hotel, I missed those parties and seeing my relatives. I was going to bring up to my mother visiting next year-that perhaps I would rent a car and go out there on christmas eve for a bit. Not the most practical plan, but I missed them.

Unfortunately, even if I do, Dan will not be there. Dan, I miss you, but I'm singing Jingle Bell Rock for you. I will keep the Christmas spirit alive in your memory as you were always such a generous man.

I will be posting new movie reviews and dating stories soon, but hopefully you understand that this will take a while to work through. In the meantime, if there is a relative or friend you haven't seen in a while, make plans to go see them for the holidays if you can.

Labels: christmas, death, loss, mourning

Generally, I am against remakes. There are, however, always exceptions and the remake of Black Christmas is such an exception. I'll actually be discussing the remake BEFORE the original due to a screw up at the rental shop. I asked for Black Christmas and received the remake instead of the original so I'm afraid tomorrow will be a bit of repeat business.

The original Black Christmas, released in 1974 the year of my birth, is largely considered one of the first slashers. As such, one can not criticize it too heavily for not being so creative in its murders. It's a more naturalistic slasher relying heavily on the danger is coming from INSIDE the house. This is probably because it's based on a series of actual murders that took place around Quebec during Christmastime.


Part of the trickiness of a successful remake is capturing the spirit of the original while updating the work to 1. take into consideration technological advances 2. address the media savvy of the audience. Thanks to movies like scream, current audiences are very savvy about the elements of a slasher (the survivor girl, the dangers of sin) unlike audiences in 1974 when slashers were just emerging as a genre.



One of the first things about that should capture audiences about this remake is the cast. It features Michelle Trachtenberg (best known as Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Mary Elizabeth Winstead (The Thing remake and Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter), Katie Cassidy (The Nightmare on Elm Street remake), Oliver Hudson as the dubious boyfriend Kyle, and the fabulously talented Andrea Martin as the den mother.



The movie opens with 3 murders in quick succession, which makes the viewer wonder how the movie will keep up the pace. Yet it doesn't disappoint. The pace is fast enough that one is willing to forgive kitschy touches like a killer christmas-y Rube Goldberg machine. Unlike the original, the movie takes full advantage of all the dangers of the season like candy canes, creepy clauses, and christmas lights .I won't go into anymore detail lest I reveal too much of the surprising creativity used to dispatch the cast. One touch I particularly liked is the use of christmas lights to lend a saturated color palate reminiscent of Dario Argento. Argento, a fan of deep red and green colors, would surely appreciate a film that uses strings of Christmas lights to produce the same unsettling effect.



One of the things that usually tips me off to a quality film or tv show is the attention given to set dressing. This film had one shot early one which was a whole horror story in itself. Billy, a chronically ill young man born to toxic parents, sets out a tray of cookies and milk by a letter for Santa. On the same tray sits a cup filled with cigarette butts (his mother's) who goes on to taunt him that "Santa Claus is DEAD." This brief moment alone totally encapsulates Billy's childhood: a child attempting to hold onto some hope in the face of a cruel and selfish parent.
One of the most successful aspects of the movie is its focus on the destructive nature of family. While Christmas is supposed to be a time to appreciate family, its more often about re-opening old wounds, attempting to be pleasant with estranged family members, or coping with loneliness. The movie emphasis this point with a cast filled with estranged sisters and daughters as well as destructive and selfish parents. This is the true horror of Christmas, and the movie exploits it to the hilt.

The film goes onto to use a rather clever system to recreate the tension from the original in terms of the killer being from within the house with mobile phones.


One of the main weaknesses of the movie is that the director LOVES to over utilize extreme close ups on objects that will be relevant: door knobs, computer screens, and phones amongst others. Yes, you should let the audience know that this will be a key plot point but you don't need to close up on an object every ten minutes. The only person who does that well is Edgar Wright, and this is not directed by Edgar Wright.

In addition, the movie lacks a denouement. It starts at a breakneck pace and ends just as quickly without giving the audience time to really survey the destruction, which would reinforce the true basis of horror of this film, which isn't actually about murder, but about the destructive nature of families particularly during the holiday season. Taking a few minutes to drive that point forward instead of ending the moment the killing does undercuts the real potential of this movie to transcend slasher and use it as tool to reveal the real terror of Christmas.



Still and all, if you come home from Christmas shopping and want to see some spectacularly seasonal deaths, I highly recommend this movie. I wouldn't watch it while eating milk and cookies though....trust me.

Labels: black christmas, buffy the vampire slayer, christmas, christmas movies, horror christmas movies, remakes, slasher

So the last two years, I've had trouble with the Christmas spirit. I thought this year for the 25 days leading up to Christmas I would watch an unusual Christmas movie or tv show episode, Some of these, of course, are more conventional than others, some are a bit of reach, but they all involve the spirit of Christmas in some way so...

Today's selection was Stalled 

Labels: british comedy, british zombie movies, christmas, christmas movies, horror christmas movies, zombie movies, zombies

Before we go any further, I want you all to know that while I mock, I try to do so with a genuine hope that should someone with low social IQ stumble upon this blog, he (or even she) will realize that instead of creating a positive first impression, he (or she) is coming off as Rapey McStalkersons.

The beauty of online dating is you don't even really have to be funny. All I have to do is offer myself up and then wait. Kind of like fishing. With dynamite as it seems there is no shortage of men who don't quite get how to create a unique first impression without coming off as...well...terrifyingly desperate.

Today's offering:

Hi You look mahvelous dahling.  Did you know that if you toast 'chin, chin,' to a Chinese host, it's okay, but if it's a Japanese host, you just said, 'penis?' You probably already know that, but I know you'd do the same for me. Happy holidays. Will that be a vegan or omniveran one for you? I'm attending a Chinese wedding banquet but the host is a Japanese friend so, 'no chin, chin.' At least not for me. :-) See you later alligator. My name is btw.

Now the play by play:

You look mahvelous dahling.  

He kicks off with a reference to Fernando Lamas, a recurrent character on SNL played by Billy Crystal in 1985 . So he kicks off with a joke that is 30 years old. Way to date yourself, old man. 

Did you know that if you toast 'chin, chin,' to a Chinese host, it's okay, but if it's a Japanese host, you just said, 'penis?

He manages to work the word "penis" into his second sentence. Now true, he couches it in the "here's some fun trivia you might know" but really, out of all the trivia in the world, he HAD to pick penis trivia? 

You probably already know that, but I know you'd do the same for me.

Tell you penis trivia? How about the word "penis" is Latin for "tail" as in you probably have a vestigial one.

Happy holidays. Will that be a vegan or omniveran one for you?

I'm planning on eating the souls of men. It's a time honored tradition carried out by the women of my clan. They are also less calories than pumpkin pie.

I'm attending a Chinese wedding banquet but the host is a Japanese friend so, 'no chin, chin.' At least not for me. :-)

Not content to break one cardinal rule, he manages to get marriage AND penis into his very first email. In addition, he gets marriage AND a penis reference IN ONE SENTENCE. Truly an admirable achievement.

See you later alligator.

Really? We finish this off with a grade school salutation? From penis to playschool in two sentences. This guy is a neo-Freudian's wetdream.

My name is btw.

Hard to believe he almost forgot to tell me his name in this carefully crafted patchwork of awful.  

 


 



If Romeo and Juliet had been written today, Juliet might have mused on her FB page:

What’s in a dating screenname? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So RomeoMontague1570 would, were he not RomeoMontague1570 call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes	50
Without that screenname.

Obviously one of the first way I can judge a potential cyber suitor is by their screenname. For example, this morning, I received an IM from CaptAmerica. Needless to say, it's very exciting to get a message from a name that invokes such an iconic presence. Unfortunately, the message I received "Hi. How are you?" Talk about a huge let down! If you give yourself a screenname like that, you're setting a very high bar for yourself. I'm EXPECTING someone who will blow my panties off with the power of a single message.

There are plenty of ways to capture your spirit without engineering a surefire disappointment. For example, my online screenname isn't JessicaRabbit because DAMN is that a bad idea for any number of reasons. The point is, much like when you select a holy grail, pick your screenname WISELY.

Labels: cyber dating, date, dating, online dating, screennames

So I'm internet dating again and as such I have a terrible stories to share.  But this is just going to be a little warm up to remind you of what is out there in wide world of internet dating.

Two weeks ago I joined OKCupid because my friend VideoGeek insisted I get back into dating and my other friend Semmelweiss found her husband to be there. I put up a profile, answered some questions, and the men started messaging me. Many of the come ons are pretty pedestrian-telling me I'm beautiful, great eyes, nice smile, seem like a cool chick. Nothing spectacular until I received the following. This is what I received word for word.

No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided I want to wrap your legs around my forehead and wear you like the crown you are my lady :P (what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your skin looks like it is crafted with Aphrodite's DNA). Oh forgot to introduce you to myself (got busy wearing pool floaties so I wouldnt drown in your beauty) I am Faraz and I am just a little bit more awesome than kim kardashian's butt(needless to say I am a mean twerker)...Lets have a cup of something delicious and some beyond fantastic conversations which would include but not limited to robbery, horror movies and diet coke! If you can handle it, that is. :D  

Now, let's take this a part a little bit at a time.

No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided I want to wrap your legs around my forehead and wear you like the crown

So apparently I am an accessory to be worn to indicate his accomplishment. This is reinforced by the fact that he and he alone decides to use me in this fashion. My desire is irrelevant. Which is good because already I want to rip this guy's spine out of his body and wear it as a sash.

 you are my lady

Oh, am I? So after being reduced to a mere object NOW I've been elevated to a human being, albeit one who belongs to you, even though you still haven't bothered to ask for consent. 

 :P


Included to indicate he's joking so if I object I can be relegated to one of those humorless feminists who take everything too seriously. 

(what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your skin looks like it is crafted with Aphrodite's DNA).

Am I the only person who got a "Buffalo Bill" vibe from this question?

Oh forgot to introduce you to myself (got busy wearing pool floaties so I wouldnt drown in your beauty)

That is not all he forgot.

I am Faraz and I am just a little bit more awesome than kim kardashian's butt(needless to say I am a mean twerker)

Needless to say there are few sentences that are more terrifying in the English language. 

Lets have a cup of something delicious and some beyond fantastic conversations which would include but not limited to robbery, horror movies and diet coke!   

Diet coke because I'm chick, right? That's all we drink or so does this basement dwelling, never probably talked to a real woman think.

  If you can handle it, that is. :D  

My little misguided lotus blossom, there are so very many things I can handle.But just because I CAN handle them doesn't mean I should. Like I could probably get some protective gear and handle some sewer rats. But I'm not gonna. You fall into sewer rat territory. 

Much like Remo Williams, the adventure begins. Gird your loins. 
 

Labels: cyber dating, dating, online dating