"You who know me....remember and suffer." Musetta from La Boheme

Depressed. You know fow a few days there I was doing really well, but I didn't write about it. And I didn't write about it for a reason, that is I knew it was only a false start. It happens every few months, suddenly I start to feel better, I start to feel like a norml person. I'll be walking down the street smiling and thinking things aren't so bad. I decide to do things to try and change the situation. And then after about five or six days (sometimes a little longer) comes the crash. I almost hate it when I start to feel better, because I know the crash is coming. It's just a damn tease. Last night I'm in Fitzpatrick's (for all of you nyc blogger fans on friday and saturday night why not head to fitzpatricks and see if you can spot the bad bunni herself in the flesh? or should it be in the fur?) and, this is going way back, so you remember Alex of Gerry and Alex fame? No, quick refresher, I hung out Alex a long time ago (about a year ago) and things seemed to be going well and then he never called me. And then I met his roommate. And then there was um an incident. And predictably neither of them EVER called. I've seen Alex in F's a few times since they moved in March and most of the time, its beena blow off. In fact, the last time he brely acknowledged that I exist.

Now there is a girl who is part of the F's regulars. Let's call her Mary. Actually Mary, not her real name, but close is Jewish. She is overweight, wears no make up ever, isn't that smart or a gifted conversationalist, and puts little effort in her appearance. I find out that she is "sort of seeing Alex." Now I know not to put faith in bar rumors, particularly when a girl is putting them forth about herself, but it did ring true. She talked about him dragging her to plays that his friends wrote. OK here I am, I love going to the theater and I would love to go with Alex and I'm being ignored over THIS CHICK? She gets to go with Alex to see shows and I have to settle for kissing a plumber who wants to argue that the smoking ban violates taxation without representation! (What the hell is being taxed except my patience?) I mean, have I been putting all this effort into my appearance for no good reason? Should I have never bothered? And what about that I am smart and I know about writing and can talk to himabout his work. does this mean nothing? I mean there I am at F's looking great (In fact the only reason I went out last night was that I looked great and I felt obligated to do something about it.) and I'm being ignored. I end up chatting to a woman who works in pharmaceuticals (sp?). She keeps telling me that I'm beautiful and that I shouldn't settle for less. How can I settle for less than what I have? I don't even have anyone I could settle for less with. Lady, you need an offer first. Right now I couldn't give myself away with a free cellphone. Now, what the hell am I doing WRONG? I mean I meet these guys and they can't believe that I don't have a boyfriend and they wonder what is wrong with me and I wonder the same damn thing. What the hell am I doing wrong? Any ideas out there? Pointers? Something? On one level I want ot think it's the way I look because I'm so, let's say, eye catching, unusual, but then if its looks why go out with unattractive girl. I guess the answer could be at least she is conventionally unattractive. I guess I could think that he is going out with her because she is so not a threat to his intelligence. But somehow I have to think that it is something. Mary has dated men from F's, this isn't the first time. Why do they call her back and not me? And I'm talking about the guys I just give a number to? Do I have a reputation? And if so, it seems that a reputation should be something that can be changed. After all, I was in a terminal depression. My behavior at that time should at least be tempered by the fact I was totally deranged. I'm different now, as exemplified by the fact that I have been barely kissed since the second week in March.

Ok so at this point I am going to write a little bit about what happened on friday night. I went to the movies as I said with friends including the maintainer of The Jig is Up!. There was another guy there named, um, Al. I met Al about a year ago through some other friends of mine. I didn't really think much of it when I met him. After all, I was ina big pack of guys who ll had girlfriends. I kind of assumed he had one too. But he didn't and he still doesn't. He's cute. (Then again at this point Steve Buscemi is cute. Don Knots, even dead, is beginning to look good.) In the movie Identity, we sat next too each other. During the film we sat with out shoulders pressed against each other. I know its sad that I have gotten to this point of interpreting elbow presses.But it was nice, to have that kind of simple human contact, a warm press. I missed it. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing a movie wih someone pressed next to me. So then my friend Ty and Al and I went to DT-UT, short for Downtown Uptown for coffee. They stayed until almost midnight. This was a suprising turn of events since Al lives apparently in a bad neighborhood and Ty lives about an hour and a half away. Al talked about this girl that he went out with for two years. He told us the whole story. ( Which, since the relationship only last four months, was not a particularly long story.) But one thing he made a point of talking about is that he is very shy and that she made the first move by kissing him. He went on to talk about how much respect he had for that and how much he needs a woman who is let's say aggressive.
Now both Ty and I talked about it when Al went to the bathroom, and we both thought that this was a serious hint for me (writers, conversation can't just be conversation, there has to be subtext, nuance, and most importantly intent) to do something. Beyond that he told this story about this girl I met three weeks ago named Irene. Apparently he was about to ask Irene out when fate intervened in the form of a girl named Tanya. When Al found Irene again she already had a boyfriend, and now I guess their friendship has reached the stage that the whole dating idea can not be revisited. But the point of the story he was telling is that if he knew then what he knows know (oh the cliche) he would have excused himself from Tanya and run after irene. I said, well at least you learned and the next time you will do that. Unfortunately I didn't learn. I shoud have done something, found an excuse to give him my phone number or something ridiculous. But I didn't. I'm a loser. And now I'm sitting inside on a gorgeous day being depressed in my pathetic apartment with no hope of ever getting a boyfriend.

"In the immortal words of Socrates, I drank what?" Val Kilmer in the 80's classic Real Genius