Inspirational Quote of the Day:
Russel: I meant it when I said I love you.

Claire: And what better way to say I love you than to suck your professor's dick

-Six Feet Under

The Collander/Centrifuge Theory of Dating

So I went to this thing tonight at the 92nd st. Y called date bait. Essentially date bait is the collander theory of dating which is if you put a whole bunch of single idiots in a big room nad make them circulate really fast at least a few of the idiots will be flung together. In this theory instead of the spining action seperating elements they actually combine them-mainly because the elements in this case, people, are really dizzy. Dizziness is a key element in meeting other people, which is why drinking is usually such a large part of the dating process.

This theory is very different from The Investment Theory of Dating. The investment theory comes much later in the relationship. Generally the way the investment theory goes, and we all know someone who has done this (probably ourselves truth be told) where after a long period of dating and effort and so forth you realize that this other person just isn't going to work out. But you have put so much time and effort into him (her) that you are just not willing to let go. Now any financial adviser will tell you that this isn't sound behavior, that because you've sunk so much money into a losing stock that you should continue to lose money instead of selling your stock and investing what's left in some other company that hopefully has a future. Or maybe just holding onto your savings for a while into a good deal comes along. But no there you are reading the Wall Street Journal every day hoping against hope that your little crappy stock that has been losing money since the day you invested will suddenly shoot off the charts and you will end up on the cover of bride magazine. ( Is there a groom magazine?) But eventually the stock crashes and you limp off to your next investment.

So back to the collander theory. So date bait is the epitome of the collander idea. You put singles in a small area and force them to move around (like electrons, kind of) and eventually they will collide and hopefully form new chemical compounds. (Perhaps this should be renamed the elemental fusion theory of dating-unfortunately I know absolutely nothing about science so anyone have input about that feel free to shout out at the bottom of the entry.)

So here is the slow and excruciating account of my first date bait experience. You walk into this room-this bland big room and you get a number (ie Liz 008 or Gary 047) and put on a tag with your first name and number on it. (I guess the name is there to make you feel less like a prisoner? or perhaps a diary cow?) So everyone stands up and talks about themselves for a minute. Now this is very much like AA, not just the whole get up and talk about yourself, but the whole energy of the place...no alcohol just bottomless cups of coffee, the nervousness, the desperation, the desire to find someone you can identify with. I have never actually been to an AA meeting or any kind of support group, I'm just sayin' that from what I have seen from Fight Club and other films that feature support groups, an AA member probably would feel pretty comfortable.

Now the talk about yourself for one minute is deceptively simple. Most people say you ask a person to talk about themselves and they will not shut up. This is true, but in this kind of forced setting with the tension so high it is really hard. I wasn't so bad but i was clearly nervous. And like some of the other people who went after me commented on (including the guy I matched with) I was really nervous to talk in front of people even though I shouldn't be. (Ok wait they commented they were nervous not that I was nervous-get it?) But the first timers are clearly identifiable from "the pros." The first timers are like "Hi um, Carol 025, I was raised in New York. I just came here tonight cause it seems like it would be fun. Um, I speak Spanish. I like to hang in the park. And, uh I have two cats.I uh just like meeting new people?" The pros were like some old drag queen doing Barbara Streisand at a piano bar (all of this with LI or Brooklen accent) "Jen 031 So I can't hang with a guy who doesn't like sports. If you don't like sports, don't even bother to talk to me when we mingle. I have two dogs, they are my babies. I love these dogs like my own children. If I had children that is, which I don't, but I love children. I love my dogs more, but if I had children I would love them more than the dogs. I mean I'm into everything here that everyone else is into, hanging out, going to movies, drinking beer, sunning in the park. If you're a smoker, don't even bother."

So then is the mingling, which made me YEARN for liquor. Let me tell you there is a very good reason for meeting people at bars. Bright lights and coffee are NOT conducive to helping people meet. Because you are HYPER AWARE of yourself and so is every one else. You already in this very uncomfortable situation. (I'm sorry but sitting in a room full of single people talking into a microphone about yourself for a minute is not pleasant. It ranks right up there with wisdom tooth removal and visiting the gynecologist.) So then I am mixing and not all that many people are coming up to me. I talked to all of four people. Yes FOUR. But the first guy walked up to me and started talking. I am not going to say that much about him because I don't want to get too invested since we haven't gone on a date, but he put me down as a match.

Then there was Rob. What to say about Rob. Rob was a 24 year old former actuary who is currently unemployed and lives in LI. He is also extremely nervous and has almost no social graces, which would account for presence at date bait. Rob had a kind of a Bill Gates energy, one of those ultra cocky geeky guys that make me nervous because I still believe they are the type to blow up the world just because they didnt get a date in high school. (Very Dr. Strangelove of him) He told me immediately that most of the people there were not in his age range, he is 24. So I told him mine and he graciously admitted that was OK. (I was secretly hoping it wasn't.) So finally I manage to extricate myself from Rob and who is there but this guy Paul, the mad robe flasher (see archives). Paul is another socially clueless individual. After failing to call him back or email him for a week, he basically sent me an email demanding that I make my rejection of him overt, which I did. Does this stop Paul from trying to hook up with me at date bait? Not in the least. So two out of my four encounters (actually five now that I think of it) were scratches. But I got one match (better than none!) And so we have exchanged numbers and we shall see how centrifugal force works in the dating world. I actually have a good idea for a first date with. I think I shall take him to the next Moth slam. If I go, I shall be sure to report it here.

In other news I was sick, which accounts for the total lack of entry for yesterday. As a result I missed the much dreaded department retreat. It is one of the rare occassions on which I am glad that I am prone to illness. GO ILLNESS. There are many other things to report but I must finish grading student papers ( for which I am sure there will be an extra surly entry tomorrow).

And for those of you who made it all the way through this entry, here is a little line to make you smile:

"I think people who talk in metaphors should shampoo my crotch." Jack Nicholson As Good As It Gets