Bunni on the fine art of online dating profile writing

Actually I was sent a really good profile today on mate.com, but as it has identifying information interwined throughout (there's no way I could edit it out) I can't post it here. But Mo threw down the gauntlet to challenge me what kind of profile I would respond to. Generally the ones that make me laugh or surprise me are the way to go. For example the guy who sent me the message I can't post, it was actually a riddle and the solution provided his email address. I know it sounds hokey, but it was actually very well done ( it took me about ten minutes of sitting and thinking and reading and rereading). It fun and different. I liked that a bit.

One of the keys to profile writing is knowing when to shut up. A lot of these guys go on and on and on and on. I mean, if I wanted to sit and read War and Peace I'd go and read it. Particularly guys who just want sex. I mean, if you just want booty-tell me up front so that I can make a decision and move on. I've jokingly said that basically guys who just want sex should simply post "Have cock, will travel."

I've long been a believer that any woman can get sex, sure she might have to settle for something outside of her own species, but really it's possible. There's an old joke: the difference between men and women is that a man wonders if he's going to have sex at the end of the date, the woman already knows. But getting back to my point. Because the market for male meat is flooded, I would be hard pressed to come up with something that would really peak my interest in terms of a just for sex response. Add to that my doubt of most claims of sexual prowess. I immediately suspect anyone who claims they can "go all night" or that satisfaction is garanteed.

I remember, and I think I wrote about this once, a guy offered me sex in exchange for english classes. My joking response was "I went to grad school, what the hell is your degree in?" He couldn't even offer up some testimonials (I'm assuming asking his wife was out of bounds). Generally, generally the men who are fabulous in bed don't have to advertise for sex. They don't even have to brag. All the men I've been with who have been fabulous, not a "I am the McDonald's of the dating world:Over a million satisfied customers", not even a "You know why my bed has guard rails?" Most of these guys understand that good merchandise sells itself. Why do you think I put up with John Yule showing up on my doorstep? Well, he has a function, and he knows it. I don't trust him for serious intellectual debate or emotional support, but damn the boy has a talent and he understand that. But when I first met him, did he just say "Hey baby I can make you gush like Niagra Falls?" Yuck. No way. He understood the subtle communication of body language. And so did I.

To be honest about myself however, and humble myself a bit, Mo, the truth is looking at the men I date, the profile I should respond to would be the following:

Hi, I'm a very attractive Arayan man who is a brilliant writer/artist, but who is complete incapable of any kind of emotional involvement. Oh sure I could tell you that I have another girlfriend or I just came off of a bad breakup, but the truth is I have the emotional depth of a teaspoon. I can tell you all sorts of complimentary things to make you think that I seriously care about you and call every day for week and then suddenly I'll vanish for a month. Just when you're sure I have totally forgotten you, I'll show up on your doorstep drunk and depressed. I won't even bother to break up with you in the end, but leave you waiting for me endlessly. You will obsess about what you did wrong to make me leave for months, when the truth was I accidentally deleted your phone number from my cell and lacked the energy to look it up on the white pages. I will leave you worse than how I found you, not that I will even think about you when you are gone.

If this sounds like the relationship for you, contact me as EmotionallyUnavailableRatBastard@aol.com.