Courtesy of the long lost love of my life, the man who vanished

Minnie Driver in Grosse Point Blank

What is it about me that makes a man turn into Houdini? ( Could it be the shakles at the bottom of the fishtank? I wonder)

What the eye sees, the mind believes
Harry Houdini

There is something in me that makes men vanish. Something about me that makes men think they don't have to break up or leave me a note or even a postcard "Can't see you anymore PS it wasn't your fault." They just stop calling.

Now I'm not talking about after two or three dates. I'm talking about men that I've dated for months. In at least two cases, a guy I dated for 9 nine months suddenly vanishes without even so much as an email saying "It's over." I mean take thirty seconds out of your life just so I don't have to sit by a non ringing phone for the next month pondering if you've been taken hostage by commitment phobic pygmies or are trapped under a large piece of furniture with your cell phone just one tenth of an inch beyond your reach.

And my guess is you'll never hear from him again
Kevin Spacey in the Usual Suspects

Israel's been distant and wierd all week. I had a serious crisis on friday and so I called him and had the following conversation:

Bunni: If you re going to break up with me, do it now.

silence

Bunni: You are not going to break up with me, are you?

Israel: If I wanted to break up with you, I would have done it by now. I wouldn't plan and wait. I would already be gone.

Bunni: Right.

And then he doesn't call for three days.

Now I know men and women think differently, but this is a lot of strain to be putting a "relationship" the third week in. In fact, at this point it's like not having a boyfriend ( I don't hear from him or see him) but with more emotional stress and rejection issues. And with the past men who have vanished, I'm beginning to wonder. My friend Ami and I had the follwing conversation about it today.

Ami: first, don't pin all your hope for love on one man

Bunni: I'm supposed to call the harem back?

Ami: second, take the good stuff from him as a sign that you can still meet someone great

Ami: third, don't give up on him yet, he might suprise you yet

Ami: no, i wouldn't call them back

Ami: you were in a rut, it's good to shake free of it

Bunni: oh yeah I feel much better now emotional unsatisfied AND sexually frustrated

Ami: fourth, ignore me - i'm just babbling

Bunni: what? were you talking? I totally missed it

But getting back to my theoretical point. I have long believed that there is a special place in hell for people who use text messaging, fax, email, im, or answering machine messages from break ups. Particularly if it is a long term relationship. But still, at least you put in the time to break up, as opposed to the men who vanish, who always leave a question about what happened. I wrote it all down once, the process I go through when a man vanishes. Here is the quick quick version

Phase 1 (the first week) is upset, but makes excuses-work, crisis, etc

Phase 2 understands being rejected but still hopes/fears that something is seriously wrong with him-watches the news and reads newspapers for car accidents, comas, drug overdoses, accidental shootings

Phase 3-begins to hope that he is dead because that would at least not be a personal rejection

Phase 4-he becomes added to passed dating mythology- he becomes a sort of faceless man-because of his absence almost any quality can be projected upon him-he comes a filler, a place holder, a symbol of unattainable desire and also the worst qualities of men

Phase 5 He is replaced by yet another man who doesn't call or he is simply forgotten

The truth is that I would rather be broken up with and be done with it and just move on. I have better things to do with my time, and I like to give the harem a heads up when their services are needed.