"That was incredible. Even my teeth feel relaxed." Loser

Barely have energy to type. That boy just wrecks me every time. I am so tired and sore and yet completely relaxed. Happy happy satisfied little bunni (attempts to twitch tail but falls over with the effort). Yes so D and I went for drinks last night (always a mistake, he always gets me all liquored up before he takes advantage and then he says that I'm a bad influence because I let him sleep late-as if I can control the boy) and then frolicking in my apartment. Ok so just to go against all of you bunniblog is uptight about sex critics, I'll give you some details. D. has two natures. At night he likes to be dominating. He is one of the few people who can actually make me feel inexperienced. He was the first person, actually now that I think about it he is the only person, to tie me up. (The first time I got loose too easily-now he brings longer rope-last night I had a bitch of a time getting free-for a while there he just sat on my bed watching me struggle) but during the day he is very sweet and snuggly and in terms of sex very normal. he is like me in this. One of my former friends talked about the fact that at night I was definately trouble, but then during the day it was like the night never happened. He was shocked at how innocent (compared to what I can get up to at night) I look the day after. But D is always very sweet during day (hard to reconcile with the man who ties me up naked and pulls my hair) which makes me wonder is it just me? Is it that there is some special tenderness for me, after all D. knows me from when I was so sexually inhibited I wouldn't get on top , or is that is simply how he operates? D. has said some things in the past (D., although he totally rejects this claim, used to call me the devil, as he said I was the best argument for sin ever made) like in january he said, "You are the most irresistable person I have ever met...why is that?" (I haven't a damn clue-On that same occassion he also said that I was strangely nice to him in fact too nice) And what D doesn't accept is that I feel the same way about him. And D. just damn fucking hot. And I'm not just talking about the high cheek bones and the hazel eyes, but the whole punk attire, the chained wallet, the hobnail boots, the gas station attendant shirt. The whole quiet rebel thing.(Think Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer-shut up it's a good show, and suprisingly there is a lot of significant symbolism in the show-really) That whole bad boy with a heart of gold thing is really attractive.

And I can remember D. from when he was twenty and I was twenty three. I can remember those days when we just lie in his apartment, with the fan on, naked under a sheet on a matress on the floor. The window would be open, and we would hear other people's radios playing that awful rap remake of the Police's "Every Breathe You Take". He would take me so many times that I could still feel him, the motion of his hips, for days afterwards. My hands memorized every part of him in those long days,the high arch of his rib cage, the nubs of his bones, he was built like grey hound in those days. the days where sleep and sex blended so much that after a while everything simply seemed like a dream. And I remember the doorstep where we sat the very first night we met and watched the sun rise. And I remember that he almost stood me up for our first date, how different would things have been if he had. And now I am one of the people who has known him the longest. And I do have one trait that seperates me from his other friends, and this he acknowledges. I am the one person who knows they are going to die. And I know this is not the worst thing that will happen to me. D and I both understand that. But how I miss that girl I used to be back then. And part of what keeps the two of us together must be that in being close to each other we can back to those people we used to be. D. was happier then, not as jaded, and he is beginning to miss the boy he was, the sweet thing he used to be. In the mornings, he is like that boy again. I wake up ll entangled in him, my leg thrown over his hip, my head resting on my shoulder. I look to wake up and feel his breathe against my neck, his arms wrapped around me. The moments I have with D in the mornings are the few occassions that I feel safe anymore, the few moments when I feel that something, anything has gone right in the universe. It is always a fight not to tell him that I love him. That he cares for me is clear (he has saved my ass on many occassions and one of the only reasons I am alive right now is that many times D. dropped everything to come over and watch a movie with me or just sit and listen to me babble) but he won't let me get close enough to love me. Or at least that is how things seem to me. But if D. ever asked, I would drop everything and move to Bora Bora for that boy. Of course, that's a totally safe comment for me to make since he would never dare ask.

My lips are swollen, bruised, bitten. I am sore, and my nipples are going to be rock hard for the next two days. I would like to say this. Until D. I was never a fan of tongue piercing, but I was REALLY WRONG ABOUT THAT because a man who knows how to use a tongue stud is a rare and fabulous gem. Trust me ladies, it will be a night very well spent.

But how I love that man of mine.