The Depressive Obsessive

Talking to Jin he though it might be theraputic for me to write out an imagiend dialogue between eric and myself

Eric: Hey
Bunni: ( mumbling ) hey
Eric:I see you smoke now
Bunni: On occassion. I see you do too.
Eric: Every day.
Bunni: Well?
Eric: You doing ok?
Bunni just stares
Eric: Sorry, just thought...
Bunni: Why don't you tell me what you want?
Eric: Well, I just thought, I thought I would tell you, I just wanted you to know that you did help me. I've been realizing how much you did for me. I just came to tell you that.
Bunni: Did you think that would help? Did you think I would feel better to know that my ruined life served some purpose?
Eric looks down
Bunni: Funny, you always put more faith in the power of words than I did. Words mean nothing without actions behind them. You come here and say I helped. You appreciate what I did, but you don't offer to return the favor do you? You don't offer to help.
Eric: I don't know how I could.
Bunni: The guy who knew me better than anyone and you can't come up with one thing to make my life better? To help me? That's just an excuse.
Eric: I can't think of something that would make you feel better that I am capable of or that would hurt you more in the long run.
Bunni: So you can be blameless as well as useless.
Eric: You know it hurt me too.
Bunni: It was your choice.
Eric:I miss you sometimes.
Bunni: I'm honored.
Eric: When does this end? When do you finally stop with this?
Bunni:It doesn't. It never ends.
Eric: So you just give up?
Bunni: Why not? You did.
Eric: I didn't give up.
Bunni: You were going to leave me a fucking note after two weeks of not feeling ok? That's you're idea of fighting the good fight?
Eric: I'm young. I wasn't ready for that. You knew that.
Bunni: Yes I did. And you remember in the beginning when I told you I didn't want anything serious? When I fought against YOUR desire for a serious relationship? When you needed me it was all about commitment and the minute you didn't you packed up your stuff and left.
Eric: I tried to be friends with you.
Bunni: You tried to have everything you wanted without any price, without any cost. All you lost was my good conversation, but in the end look at you. You benefitted. And you come here and offer me what? Not even a card.
Eric:Why do you do this to yourself?
Bunni: Why is it any of your concern?
Eric is silent.
Bunni: You walk back in here nd suddenly I am to believe you are the soul of concern. What are you really trying to accomplish here?
Eric: Would you believe I am trying to make things better for you?
Bunni: And what was your master plan? Show up?
Eric: I didn't know. I still don't. You act as if this wa what I intended. You think I don't want you to be happy?
Bunni: I think if you do, it's just so that you don't have to feel guilty.
Eric: If that's what you think of me, why do you still want me then?
Bunni: Why does a drug addict want a drug they know is dangerous?
Eric:Was I all that bad?
Bunni: Worse.
Eric: Then you should be happy to be rid of me.
Bunni: Should and are-two very different things.
Eric: So there is nothing I can do.
Bunni: Save my life. Find me a better job. Help pay for my apartment. Get me a boyfriend.
Eric: Why don't you do that?
Bunni: Don't you think I've been trying but when you have a sucking chest wound that is infected it's hard to find the will to get up in the morning. I mean so much to you, prove it.
Eric: I can't.
Bunni: What a shock. And you know the sad part, it won't ever hurt you, this heartlessness of yours. It will hurt those around you, but not you. You will see the destruction but always convince yourself that you did your best or you weren't at fault.
Eric: I am hurt.
Bunni: No, you just think you are. No if you were hurt it would show in your face. It would age you, like it has aged me. I would be able to see it, to recognize it. But there really isn't any point in this.
Eric: But you did get good things from our relationship too. I was the only one who benefited.
Bunni: What ever the gain, I payed for it ten fold. I came out in debt, not owning the house. Don't say anything more, just leave. You can at the very least handle that.
I go to bed now.