My friend Dina from college used to call me up and talk at me for three hours and hang up. He was gifted at the fine art of the phone monologue. One time I remember particularly well, "You know, I tried to write about drugs, but you know man ass is the wellspring for me man. It's all about ass. I just can't write about drugs. I tried that whole Memoirs of an Opium Eater shit. Hell, I even ate fucking opium in Hong Kong, but really nothin'. But man I can write for fucking days about ass man fucking days."


For me the wellspring isn't ass or drugs, it's breaking up, which may account for why I've been left by so many different people in so many different ways. So I bring you this piece cut from the archives about more creative ways to break up with someone:


I stumbled on a website today My Cat Hates You Dot Com. There is a MERCHANDISE SECTION-and I thought to myself "I hope they make greeting cards." Wouldn't that be absolutely excellent? You send someone some frilly looking birthday card-on the front flowers and rhymes and then on the inside it's all black and in big red letters it says MY CAT HATES YOU. Then I thought the really untapped market here is break-up cards. I mean we all have that one ex who deserves a particularly nasty break-up. One of my friend's from high school said his favorite mean fantasy break up was to send a girl a postcard reading "Welcome to Dumpsville-Population:You P.S. I'm gay." I like the more sophisticated "I'm hope you're up on your history because that's what you are about to become." Or if a guy break up with you and says "We can still be friends," respond with, "Yeah, your lips can become friends with my ass on its way out the door." But back to the break up card-I would love to send a guy a card that's all black and on the inside there is a pciture of a pissed off cat and in red print it says "It's you, not me-I didn't fake orgasm, I faked interest-I wouldn't even bother stealing your cds, and MY CAT HATES YOU."