After me, no grass grows

Miracle Gro is my ballroom teacher, whom I have always been attracted to, and now, I have to love. Last night I was in a terrible mood and I was hangin' out on F's because I saw a friend of mine in there and I look and at the end of the bar I see Miracle Gro. So I said to my friend who was tending the bar "Send the guy at the end of the bar a drink" one of those corny movie things I have always wanted to do and never found a chance to pull off. Well, he beckoned me over and we had this big conversation.

Miracle Gro has had a great deal of emotional turmoil. I won't go through the details, out of respect for him, but basically two years ago, his wife, who was his professional dance partner, ran away with his best friend who was another dancer. Miracle Gro tried to continue competitive dancing, but his heart wasn't in it. He was so depressed that "The only thing I had to live for was my dog. Really.I knew that I had to stay alive to take care of her because it wasn't fair that she should suffer."

"But" he told me last night "After me, no grass grows. Now her career is dead. She is trying to compete and she can't even qualify. When we were together, we were fighting for first place at Nationals. She knows she made a mistake, but it's too late." So I told him his experience confirmed my own theory, that basically pain is garaunteed. If you want someone to suffer, just wait. "No, don't wait" he said "Just focus on yourself. Don't even think about that other person."

The other thing I like about Gro is everytime I put myself down, he very seriously says "This is not you talking." I said "What do you mean, this isn't me talking?" "You do not really believe this. This is something someone else has said."

"Listen, when I was competing you know what they said in every single review of me? I was heavy. Heavy, Heavy, Heavy. I was competing against people like sticks. And I always felt bad. But now I look back and realize who cares if I was heavy? I was the better dancer, I was winning the awards. That is the problem with Nicolas (current head of the studio) he is too concerned with appearance. What people see. Tell me why is it you think you are such a bad dancer?"

"Well because I have this idea of what I look like. This image in my head. But when I see the video, it always looks awful and disappointing so I figure that's what every one sees when I dance."

"Do you know I have a whole wall of videos? How many times do I watch them?"

"Never?"

"Once. And I hate all of them except the last comp. I ever did. That's the only one that makes me think it's ok. But I go through the same thing. I think this is the way I look, but then I see in the video no. But really that's not what people see."

It made me feel so much better to know this guy who is fabulous dancer has the same problem I do. Basically, I am afraid to feel good about my dancing, which is ridiculous because in the end who cares? It's not my job, still I guard against it.

Later, when I was talking about my teaching related depression, he told me, "Look, your students don't want to learn, that's not your problem. You're a good teacher. I can tell, but really your students have to want to learn. And that's not your problem."

I just love this man. Love him. And I promised him I would help him with his computer. Oh yeah baby, love the technology.

But my favorite Miracle Gro moment happened a few months ago. We were dancing in the ballroom, and he said "Look you do so well those people are watching you."

"Maybe they are watching because I look awful."

"Bunni, no one watches something that long unless they enjoy it."

"Maybe they enjoy the awfulness."

He pointed to head and said simply "Time to take out the garbage."

Dance teacher and good therapist. The man is such a catch.