Because life only makes sense backwards...too bad we have to live it forwards
-from Thirteen Conversations About One Thing

Part of the reason I've become so depressed is because of my job. When you teach rhetoric and logic for living, it's easy to lose your sense of joy, of surprise. You begin to realise how easy it is to simply categorize things, how easy it is to see things coming.

Part of the reason I had such a good time friday night goes back to my happiest moment-that one I've written about in Las Vegas. It was surprise and the wonder of it.

Sitting and watching the hot argentine guitarist ( who am I to hold a grudge?), I realized coming to the conclusion I have-that there is no G-d or fate or destiny that acts lose their meaning. People always so it was meant to be and so forth. But once you remove fate from the equation it just becomes a series of missed opportunities, a series of failures, of almost hads.

But on friday, there was still surprise, there was still fun.

There is still confusion.

Knowing the right thing to do in a certain moment is so hard. Once you eliminate religion, it's even more difficult.

Take the situation with Ton Ami. Was there a "good" conclusion that situation? Was there a way for that to end well? And even if there was, was there any way for me to know that in the moment?

Or take this situation now, where I go and sit and watch Argentine guitarist. Is telling him that I want him the right thing to do? If he wanted me, wouldn't he have done something by now?

Isn't the truth that I would rather live with a long drawn out maybe, rather than a definitive no?

I wish I could get this guy. Perhaps my friend Smitten will help me out.