The Keith Richards friday night achievement award: expanded version

See I've been working on cutting down my posts, as I was concerned that they were too wearing on the attention spans of the public. But the public apparently wants details and who am I to deny them.

So here we go. Let's start at the very beginning.

The married guy with the dog used to live around the corner from me. One night, almost a year ago, we sat out outside and had drinks. I was fairly sure his marriage was going to end soon. Just the way he talked about it. Not very seriously. More like the way you would talk about a poorly directed commercial (like 1800 CALL ATT).

WHen I walked by F's, I needed a drink. I was having a bad week what with the argentine guitarist and a long ridiculous fight with a friend, which I won't even discuss. Bad day. I saw a few people I knew and stopped in.

Married man with the dog spotted me and came over. He was ready to jump in my pants right there. He was all about, my apartment has a fire place ( how 70s of him). This is all of two drinks into the conversation and already he wants to take me away from all of this. So I tell him "You know last week I was hangin' with a married man and I'll tell you what I told him. 'There is no shortage of just sex in my life. NONE. In fact, there is a waiting list. Now you want to wait until 2005 just to get a piece of ass you can, but I want an actual relationship.'"

He looked down for a second. "I don't know why you think all I want to do is fuck you? "

Ummmm, maybe because that's all you're trying to do?

"I just think you're fun. And why do things have to be so complicated. Can't they just be simple?"

Well they are simple, you want to sleep with me and that's not what I want. That's simple.

So when he finally got it through his head that I wasn't going to fuck him, he asked me what I was up to and that's when the birthday party came up.

Now I haven't been hanging with gay men as much as I have in the past. But here is the irony, even though all I do is hang out with straight men I have less of a shot of getting a date than I do with the gay ones.

Now I wasn't really dressed for an evening of fabulousness. I was wearing a sweater and jeans, but you know I was like, they're gay, who gives a fuck. It's sad. When I used to go with gay men, I'd get all bedecked. Now I'm that hag who shows up in a sweater in jeans. Well, at least it was a Betsey Johnson sweater.

So off we went down to the Slide.

Now in the cab ride over, married man with dog tried to re enact a scene from 91/2 weeks. He is all trying to feel me up. I have to admit all this week I wanted to be kissed. That's it just kissed. So I said how much I love kissing, and this guy put his heart and soul and his camel tongue into it.

But it was fun.

We get the Slide and there is Dorian Gray and the Birthday Boy who looks like an aging Captain America and and Mr. Village People with a handlebar mustache ( who used to be married man with the dog's boss). And we are having cosmos and being fabulous. There is this woman, an Australian named Fiona, who comes up. And married man with the dog, let's call him SuperFreak, introduces her. Mr Village People says "Did you ever sleep with SuperFreak?"

Superfreak: Yep, one night, we were about as hammered as we are now, and I banged the shit out of her.

Fiona: That' not quite what happened.

Superfreak: Admit it.

Fiona: I don't want to talk about it.

Bunni: C'mon, tell me the truth. Is he any good?

Fiona: No, no let's just talk about something else.

Superfreak to Bunni: She's just upset because she got emotionally involved, but really, it was great.

Bunni nods, not believing a word.

Fiona's re-action upset me. I wasn't sure if she was embarassed by how superfreak was acting or having to admit to having sex with him among friends, but the intensity and the upset of her reaction seemed more like something serious. I wondered if maybe it was something else. Superfreak had hinted at being into SMBD in the cab. I told him if he was looking to dominate, look elsewhere. My stackheeled, lace up, knee high boots bow to no man.

Not now, not ever, and certainly not in the back of a cab.

But I was wondering if maybe Fiona had a bad experience. Which warned me off of Superfreak.

Superfreak, meanwhile, is standing next to me trying to fondle my bum. He walked away to get us drinks and Mr Village People says to me "You know I've never seen Superfreak affectionate towards a woman in public before. You must be very special. How long have you know him?"

So I explained that I've known him a year but only talked to him a few times. I also added that he has always been very affectionate towards me.

Mr Village People also adds that Superfreak gets serious ass. Like a public toilet that boy is.

Interesting.

So we head off to karoake.

The way to the bar is long and so to help me out the last two block Dorian Gray carries me on h is back. It makes me think of the black out. Sometimes I love being small enough to be picked up and carried by drunken men. I suppose it is the cavewoman in my soul.

Superfreak wants to be all on top of me, but I am about having a good time on my own. Dorian Gray and I sit next to each other, Superfreak is on the other couch. We are singing, the gay men insist that I sing something so I do Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" which anybody can make sound decent. They all sing with me. We are drinking tequila shots under the table. We are dancing around and substituting lyrics.

It's also at the karoake bar that Superfreak picks up Elvira.

Outside the karoake bar, Superfreak tells me he has decided that we should just be platonic friends.

Um, making a decision implies you have some power. Which you don't, because I'm the one who is just out to have fun, you are the one who wants hot pussy on a paper plate.

So we head to Standard. At every stop we lose people. Now it's two gay men from Cali, Superfreak, Dorian, and me. There is a great band, one of the band members tries to get me to hear him play at an after hours place. Between his accent and my martinis I can't understand where it is so I keep smiling and nodding.

Finally Elvira wants to go. She goes out and then Superfreak goes out. Then Superfreak comes back in, then Elvira comes back in to find Superfreak.

Superfreak whispers to me "I bet you thought you had big boobs."

Straight men are so dumb, as if I care if chicks have bigger boobs. Besides, I got the better body, the better mind, and the better self esteem.

Oh and did I leave out, the better sense of fashion?

So, I'm like "Hey they are bigger." So Superfreak is like "She let's me touch them." I was like "You know, you want quality man you have to put in time and effort. You don't walk into Le Cirq and demand a steak right then. These things take time. You want easy access, you sacrifice quality."

He finally goes with Elvira. Mr. let's just be friends.

Dorian and I go back to his place. We sit on the roof of his building and talk about our childhoods, our families, his siblings.

We go downstairs. We have beers and we snuggle under the blankets.

The next day he has to go teach people. We pull on clothes and jump into a cab. I get off at my place and immediately fall into bed. I recover in time for my date with Mr. German Philosophy.

As I said, sometimes, I really love New York.