"I give you these fifteen" drops tablet "ten, ten commandments"

Mel Brooks in History of the World Part One

Filled with anxiety, I am turning to you my readers for help. See I don't believe in G-d or fate or destiny-so I have to rely on the same principle as Todd TV-that basically a bunch of random people will eventually come to the correct conclusion, we hope.

Basically here's what's going on. You know the situation with Israel, he was being wierd and distant. I was feeling like he knew he "had" me, and that also maybe he was reconsidering dating me and was using work as an excuse to hide his ambivalence.

Now if I was a smart well adjusted woman, which I so clearly am not and he already knows this, I would have said "Fuck him" and gone on with my weekend without even aknowledging that anything was going on.

But as I have just admitted, I am not a well adjusted woman. In fact, I don't think I can even see well adjusted on a clear day. Even mildly disturbed is a bit murky.

Now, true, there were lots of mitigating circumstances, including my identified previous relationship history and a huge crisis which occurred on friday. His behavior, I still maintain, is highly suspicious.

But on the other side, I can see where he would view my behavior as indicative of serious mental defect, which let's face it, it is, and I never maintained I wasn't. ( I never said "Nope I'm totally well adjusted." I don't think I could even try to maintain that one with a straight face.)

So I am at an impasse. I am filled with anxiety. There is a side of me that's like "Well, so much for that." And there is the side of me that really wants him no matter what.

And which side to listen to ? And which side's advice should I go with?

I was talking to the Mistake today ( married twice) and she, in a shocking act of selflessness, bought a copy of the book the Rules. Now I've read the Rules, and I have even been lectured about the Rules in a Psychology of Marriage course.

Now according to the Rules I should create longing and desire by acting like I could care less. Just be like "Well, that's great, I have to go."

My impulse, and admittedly I have that jewish guilt going on, is to think I did something wrong and apologize and be subservient.

But I still have a lot of rage about how he was acting. And I still maintain that his distance and so forth is serious cause for concern.

So I have no idea what to do. I do really like this guy and up until last week I had a great time.

Damn it.

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