Why I love my friends

I have a friend from grad school who calls me up every six months or so, talks to me for three hours, says we should get together, and then doesn't return my calls for another six months. He ( let's call him Blue) recently called, and I was regaling him with my latest tale of rejection.

Bunni: OK so this guy is tellin' me about the last time he almost cheated on his fiancee. He is hitting on me by using his last failed attempt at infidelity. But what happened was he was talking up some girl and he got her number and he had the affair already planned. You know it was done. And then he found out that while he was talkin' this girl up that his fiancee was in a car accident on the way home from Sherwin Williams because a paint can exploded in the back of their car. And this is how he knew he shouldn't cheat. The lord had this paint can explode in the back of his car. But now a year and a half later he has seen me and he again feels the need to dip his brush in someone else's pot, and where is the lord and his pyrotechnics? Nowhere. So apparently the lord is ok with me as an adulteress.

Blue: Jesus man, why do you even put with these tools? Listen you gotta be like the pentagon man. You gotta have an open no tool policy. You gotta say to these mother fuckers straight up, "No fuckin' tools. And I'm not just talkin' about the screwdrivers and the hammers and the obviously dangerous shit. I'm talkin' about you better not come near me with even toe nail clippers because I will shut your ass down."

Bunni: But the thing is I need to be distracted. You know, I need to go out.

Blue: No, see this is where women get things wrong. They think if they just spend time going out they are going to feel better, and so then they waste all of this time and energy and effort on going out with these fucking idiots. And then you get pissed because you've wasted all this time and effort and energy on fucking morons. No way man, save your energy.

Look, I know where you're at. You look around and you see all these weird ass couples together and you think how do they pull that off? I mean, I see it at the art openings I cover. You see some disgusting motherfuckers. And I'm not talkin about just embarassin', I'm talkin' about totally disgustin'. I mean, I don't want to think of these cats as fuckin' mammals. And then you see these fine beautiful women practically showin' off their birthcanals they are so into these guys. If I was ever sober enough, it would probably boggle my god damn mind. And I could see that and think 'That's just awful. People are ugly, and ridiculous, and worst of all fuckin' stupid.' But you know what I see when I see that? I see hope man. I see fuckin' hope. Because if the disgsustin' motherfuckers of the world can get love, we can all get love. We all got a piece comin' to us.

Bunni: Alright oh wise sage of love, who can not even manage to seduce the chick at work he's been writing love poems to for the last year, when is it coming? When is my love coming?

Blue: I don't know. Cause that shit is not like christmas. You can't put it on the calendar. But you trust me, it's comin'. Meanwhile stop fuckin' around with these tools. We gotta go out man, You gotta save your energy for when we go out.

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