"I don't want to kill you, and you don't want to be dead." Danny Glover in Silverado

Why is that I can't live like other people? Why do I have such a hard time doing things like going to the grocery store or buying light bulbs? Why does it take me three weeks to do things that most people do in twenty minutes? Why am I petrified, mind you, petrified of getting my mail? Why? I can remember when I could actually teach at my kitchen table, tutor people there and serve tea, now its buried under papers and uselessness. When I was with Eric I was so much more functional. And that Kay, that self has to be in here somewhere, why can't I find her?

For the last two weeks I've gone on something ridiculous like seven dates with something like four different guys (some men didn't even qualify for a first date), and I feel lonely and awful. And its not like there is a shortage of men who don't want to seriously date me. Take this email for example from a guy after just one date with me:

You have a beautiful smile and I'm sure no one would've noticed if you're eyes were bugging out from back of the cranium - though that would've been freaky. I'm not surprised you're seeing someone and I appreciate the honesty. Always looking to widen my circle of friends, I'd love to get to know you better; so whenever my commute from hell (actually, cycling to & from New Brunswick & Somerset in Jersey then to & from Penn to home) gets me in at decent time, I'll call.

Summer re-runs are horror in themselves (yes - i'm full of cliches), but I hear Rob Zombie's "House of 1000 Corpses" is frighteningly ghoulish.

btw, is Plato's Symposium your summer reading? I was in a limbo on what to read - flipping couple of pages here and there then shelving it [even through my physics book - duh - still don't get it] - until this. Reading the intro on an online version grabbed my interest and I think I'm saved - thanks.


A nice email, a great email, smart, flattering, but not simpering, but not an attractive guy and in person the conversation was basically ho-hum. Is it me? Am I not that attractive that the really hot guys just want me for a ride and maybe some stimulating conversation? No it can't be that because I see far less attractive, but more "normal" looking girls getting hit on all the time. Are my standards to high? Is it wrong of me to want an attractive guy who is also intelligent? I'm not looking for Einstein Pitt here, but is it impossible for me to ever hope of snaring both?

And you know what the worst thing is? If Eric had never happened I would have a boyfriend by now. I mean I went out with Scott for two years and all I did was cater to his needs and he never even told me he loved me. TWO YEARS. I commuted to upstate new york just to see him every fucking weekend for two years and not a single I love you. Ok I was going to break up with Scott anyway because he was becoming a mysogynistic racist, but if it wasn't for eric I would be able to settle. But I remember what it was like with him. From that first moment on there was just the perfect bliss.

There is supposed an ancient Greek saying that those beloved by the Gods are damned. The reasoning goes this way. There are only a couple of ways that an affair between a mortal and a God can work itself out.

1. Most of the Gods had very jealous Goddesses for wives. For a few moments bliss you might find yourself transform into a fern or a burrow. The upside here is that in your new form you won't be able to fully understand the horror of your situation.

2. Say the wife of your particular God isn't that possessive. How long do you think a mortal can hold the attention of someone divine? Just about long enough to have a cigarette after. Then you get to spend the rest of your life knowing the perfect bliss you can never have again. Do you think you could ever have a man touch after you have touched by divinity? Do you think you contain you revulsion long enough not puke on him because ofhis humanity? And you know he doesn't even remember you. Doesn't even miss you, as you grow old thinking of your brief moment of happiness.

3. In some rare cases the Gods did occassionally fall in love with humans. Dionysius held his mortal wife as she lay dying in his arms. But even in this case, the end is grim. The Greeks didn't believe that the afterlife was pleasant. They believed that it was simply grey fluttering monotony, not even a job to keep one distracted. Just aimless wandering. So you get eternity to again contemplate the celestial bliss you will never know again. If your lucky, you God will commemorate you with a constellation, not that you'll ever know it-the dead don't see stars.

Can you tell how depressed I am? Please shout out. The guy I really like called monday and I called him back and he hasn't called since then. Please let him call. That's all I want ONE DATE this weekend. And if I can't get a date, I can at least get ONE COMMENT PLEASE.

Can you tell how depressed I am by Eric's lack of noticing my existence. The graduation really depressed me. I don't know what I was expecting, but something. An email, a postcard, a phone call. Something. Anything. Any kind of acknowledgement that I exist in some form would be appreciated.

In the words of the film Trick "Am I bitter? Absolutely."